Mom with dementia wants to date!

Aklife1

My 71 year old Mom who has dementia, early/ moderate stage, wants to date.  She is “boy crazy” like a teenage girl.    Anyone have advice or been in this situation? It’s all she talks about and says she’s miserable and lonely.   We are obviously not going to let  her go out with a stranger or be alone with anyone.

Mint

Oh boy feel sorry for you.  My mom is 84 and likes having male attention.  She has asked a man she does not know to marry her twice, a year apart, still tries to contact him all the time.    She is constantly doing things to get male company.  For example she asks the neighbor man to get her groceries and has me to get her non food items.  Another neighbor man (who she gave quite a little chunk of money to) visits her fairly regularly and tells her all his problems. Wish he would not do that.  She has him to mow one part of lawn and his son in law do a different part so she has contact with both. On and on it goes.  Don’t see this mentioned a lot in here but this has been a big issue with my mom.  This is not my previous mom.  If that man had showed any interest my BIL was going to talk to him about what he would be getting into.  He has shown no interest thankfully so have just had to listen to her.  So sad she acted like a little giggly school girl.  It is also a little embarrassing.

jfkoc

Both of you seem to think that age makes a difference. I assure you that attraction to nor from the opposite sex is not confined by age. A little"girlishness" is not a bad thing. Just keep them safe.a

JJ401

The human need for love does not disappear with age or  dementia. The difficulty is that the person with dementia no longer understands the societal rules regarding relationships.

If you read through past threads, on this board and on the spouse board, you will find discussions of spouses in memory care acquiring girlfriends and boyfriends. It happens at home. It happens in the very best memory cares.  It happens and families get upset. 

I have no solution. I'm just saying it's not unusual. You just have to manage it (if the person is at home) and your reactions (whether the person is at home or in a facility) as best you can.

Dutiful One

I had the same experience with my mom. It was certainly a shock to visit her at the ALF, where I would walk down the hall and round a corner, only to catch my mom smooching with a male resident with whom she developed a "friendship."  She had a huge crush on another male friend, and would sneak like a teenage girl off to her room to chat on the phone with him when I visited. Often I'd overhear bits and pieces of conversation and it sounded like they were "talking dirty" to each other, with Mom giggling.  She would later volunteer information that I really didn't want to hear, like, "You don't have to worry, there's nothing going on between us, because he can't 'do it' ".... Oh, my goodness.  Dementia or not, it was so shocking to hear my mother talk like that to me, as it was not part of who she was prior to diagnosis.  

I really had to get over my worries about this. The man who lived in the same facility with mom was known as "Casanova" and "Romeo" by all the other ladies. At one point he asked me if it was okay if he "dated" her.  So, my husband and I took them out for double dates with us. We went to church, dinner, and to the movies. It was like chaperoning a couple of kids. They would hold hands and sneak little kisses during the movie, and hold hands under the table at dinner.  I went from being disturbed to thinking it was actually kind of cute. I felt reassured that my mom was safe, and eventually things fizzled out as Mom moved on to another stage in her dementia progress. 

sandwichone123

My grandmother hated men all her life--except her late husband, and my dad. Oh, and my brother, and my other brother--always afterthoughts.

After she got dementia and was pretty far along, living in MC, she had a boyfriend, and they'd go to Mass together (forgot she hated Catholics too). I was shocked when I first heard about it. A Mary Kay woman was telling me, "Your grandmother is so cute--she's got this boyfriend--they go to mass--" My grandmother was never cute--not in her older adulthood; she was sharp and a little difficult to deal with, and I wouldn't have wanted to be around if anyone had ever called her "cute."

Once we got used to the idea, we were just glad she'd found something that made her happy. Enjoy what you can.

In my mother's last years, she flirted shamelessly with any EMT that came near.

KawKaw

JJ401 and jfkoc are correct.

My mother also experienced a romantic period during her dementia.

One of the caregivers was her boyfriend, she would say.  She would want his comfort when she was upset.

She told me more than once that she was getting married, and wanted me to meet her boyfriend whenever the two of us were there at the same time.

I was sad that she never seemed to find a forever love during her lifetime.

During her path with dementia, it lit her up to talk about having a boyfriend and a wedding where I would give away the bride.

It was a joyful energy that nothing else could muster.

LicketyGlitz

One of my girlfriend's dad is currently dating a gal with dementia in their senior living community. She is early stages, and according to my friend's dad they are having the time of their lives!