Control over finances / loss of control

AlyJo

There may be a board for this but I could not find it. 

My DH thinks he should be in control of money coming to him from disability.  He thinks it is play money, not for household expenses.  He wont save it for the time he needs full time care and he gets angry and unreasonable when we try to talk about it.  

We are both on the account that the money goes into so I do have access to it but....the arguing and anger if I touch it keeps me at bay.  He gets defensive (to me expected) and says for me to give him $100,000 and buy him out of the house and he will go take care of himself.  Believe me, in the heat of the moment, when I am crushed and giving up it is tempting do it but he would not have anywhere to go.  He doesn't realize how much help he is receiving from others, mostly me.  

I recently contacted his Neurologist and asked for a letter stating he could not make financial decisions and the doctor replied "We don't like to do that".  First he would not talk to me about it without DH present which causes arguments I can't handle anymore.  Then the doc told me to have a forensic psychological exam but was hesitant to refer me to someone.  When he did refer me the soonest appointment was 6 months out.  I scheduled it but don't know if I will be able to get DH to go.  All that said........

I have POA (2014), HIPPA disclosure authorization signed by DH (2016), Medical directive and Medical POA, the house is in a revokable family trust, locked DH credit bureaus to keep him form getting new credit cards, put parental controls on cables channels that let him make purchases.  I cant think of anything else right now.  This is always an argument.  I don't know how I will pay for assisted care when he needs it because he spent his entire retirement money before he was diagnosed.  As you all know explaining things to him either causes an argument or he is cooperative for the moment and forgets later.

DH is in stage 5 but is sure he is fine to take care of himself until he is unable clean up bathroom disasters or cant put his Cpap on.  This can go on for many more years and I can't imagine how I will emotionally, physically, and financially handle this.  

LadyTexan

Greetings AlyJo.

I went through a similar experience with my DH approximately 2 years ago. He was probably stage 5 at the time. He was very angry and convinced he could care for himself. He wanted me to write him a check for the proceeds of the sale of our home so he could take off on his own.

DH was verbally aggressive and at one point threw me out of our apartment. The caregiver heroes on this forum provided actionable advice. I met with a certified elder law attorney. I explained the situation to the attorney. The attorney and I talked about many options, including (but not limited to):

• divorce
• guardianship
• Medicaid planning

The meeting with the attorney was especially helpful because I learned about the options available. I also sought and received guidance from a social worker who specialized in dementia. I was seeing a therapist at the time to help me process what was going on. It was a very difficult time.

One VERY important thing regarding social security disability is if there is a representative payee and who the representative payee is. The Social Security Administration (SSA) has very specific guidance regarding what the social security  disability payments can be used for. If that is the type of payments your DH is receiving please familiarize yourself with the guidance.

I know this is hard and unsettling. It was very stressful for me. Hugs to you.

AlyJo

Well, when we first got approved for SS Disability the letter stated he needed a representative payee.  When we went to SS office the lady that was assisting us asked him if he could handle his own finances and of course he said yes.  She treated me like I was exploiting him and said he did not need a representative payee.  She just made the decision to change the paperwork even with the diagnosis.  I know how 'representative payee' spending works but do those rules and records apply the same when he does not have that representative?  I will have to look into it.  Thanks for the comments.

Iris L.

AlyJo wrote:

My DH thinks he should be in control of money coming to him from disability.  

  He doesn't realize how much help he is receiving from others, mostly me.  

DH is in stage 5 but is sure he is fine to take care of himself 

AlyJo, your DH has anosognosia.  PWDs with anosognosia truly believe they are fine.  The other members will teach you work-arounds because he will not develop insight.  

Iris L.

ElaineD

This makes me so grateful that for all of our 58+ years of marriage I have managed all of the finances, including buying and selling four houses, many cars, etc.

DH has no interest in dealing with large sums of money, and has no idea what money comes in or goes out.

He does go to the grocery store, and can spend $100+ on snacks, drinks, candy, etc.  We have two entire shelves stuffed with bags of chips.

I don't mind that he does this and I think he keeps buying things because he doesn't remember he already has enough.

I imagine when he can no longer drive, this 'splurging' will stop.  

Regards, Elaine

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

AlyJo

About 2 years ago DH was driving his Chevy Avalanche truck.  He was turning out of the dentist's driveway, person in the right lane waved him out, he pulled into the left lane and hit another vehicle.  He thought it was her fault because she didn't yield to him.  Minor damage.  He got a ticket.  He used to be a Deputy Sheriff so you would think he would understand driving laws.  Just because one lane is clear does not mean the other one is.  We talked about it several times over the next 2 days.  He stuck to it not being his fault no matter how we explained it.

My 33yr old son and I told him he could not drive anymore because he didn't understand driving rules and could not reason out what happened.  We had thought he was a scary driver before and he could only go places he had been many times over the years or he would get lost.  He couldn't follow directions.  We tried before to suggest that he not drive but just got arguments.  We reminded him that years earlier when my 88yr old father refused to stop driving, my husband said he would never do that.  DH said if son and I told him not to drive he would stop.  He was not happy about being reminded.  

He agreed and we sold the truck the next day.  Didn't give him time to rethink his agreement.  I went on line and changed his driver's license to an ID card.  Cancelled him from the insurance.  He has complained many a time that he should be able to drive and it is our fault that he has to get rides everywhere.  It gets heated some times but I just tell him that he needs to take a driving test to get his license, buy a car, arrange for insurance.  If he can do all of those things he can drive.  He wants me to do those things for him and I wont.  

The other thing we talked about was the fact that if he drove knowing he had dementia / Alzheimer's and had a bad accident hurting or killing someone they could sue us for all that we have [house, my retirement, any savings and......] because we 'took the chance'.   It is like driving DUI impaired.  I refuse to lose all that I have because he wants chocolate milk at the grocery store.   Most accidents happen with in a few miles of your home so short trips is not an excuse.

Protect others including children in the neighborhood and all that you have.  

We tried to teach him Uber and that didn't work.  We set it up so that he could tell me where and when he wanted to go and I would order an Uber if I was not going to be available.  He didn't like paying for it.  Couldn't understand that we were not making a car payment nor paying his insurance so that money could be used for Uber.   He did it for a while and then dropped it.

I work for a police department.  We have had people call and report their car stolen only to find out that a family member took the car away and the owner did not remember.   We just put an alert on the address and when they call to report the car stolen we call their loved one that then takes care of it. 

Sorry this post is so long.......Driving is a big deal.  Why could I handle that but cant get him to quit buying things he sees on TV.  Crazy.

OrganizerBecky

Elaine D - this sounds like where my DH and I were about 5 months ago. I did sell his car in December after he "got mixed up" and ended up 35 miles west of town one day. 

I've always taken care of the finances. Now, I either stop at the grocery store on my way home from work or we go together on Saturdays. 

We stopped for gas Saturday morning and he hopped out to fill up my car. I gave him my rewards card because he was confused when I asked if he had his. He tried to use it to pay for the gas. I ended up "helping." 

But yes, when he'd go to the store by himself, we'd end up with 10 packages of sliced cheese and 6 bags of chips, 3 bottles of Dr. Pepper ("for the kids" - they aren't at our house that much).

Good luck.