Need advice, dealing with BOTH parents now.

abc123

Hi Everyone. My Dad (84) has been caring for my Mom (80) for the past 8 years. Like many spouses he is doing everything at home on top of caring for her. Thank God she has been easy to care for. She has become incontinent over the past month. She is wearing depends now. 

My Dad is in excellent health, keeps busy with a few of his hobbies and walks 7 miles every day. On Saturday, Feb 20th he slipped on ice while on an early morning walk. He hit his head on the edge of the bleachers and again upon impact on the side walk. It was 6am and bc it was so cold and snowing, no one else was out that morning. We figured out a time frame from his fitbit. He was out cold for about 15 minutes and it took him awhile to find his way home. He was only 4 blocks from home, THANK GOD. He told me he knew he had someone to call for help but could not remember who. By the time he got home, he remembered it was his neighbors who help him. (I live 9 hours away and the neighbors are a huge blessing.) They brought him to the ER and a cat scan was done. ER Doc told him there was no sign of a bleed or a flow.(What is a flow?) He was diagnosed with a concussion and sent home with plenty of informative paperwork about what he should NOT do. He followed the instructions and the neighbors continued to help him care for himself and Mom. (Stage5/6) I drove in on Feb 24. We have seen a fabulous neurologist, absolutely wonderful! This Wednesday he will have a MRI, an open MRI. I had no clue my Dad was claustrophobic. Tuesday of next week he will have an EEG. He still has his sense of humor, he is still caring for Mom, feeding the dogs, etc. So I'm running around the house trying to beat him to everything. He does sit down to rest when I ask him. Tonight he will sleep in a guest room and I will sleep with Mom, so he can get a full nights rest. Mom is up and down all night long, making messes where ever she goes. But hey, thats alright by me.  

OKAY, if your still with me, THANK YOU! This is where I need advice, guidance, and suggestions. I think this is the perfect time to get a DPOA on Dad and Mom. Also, if I do get the DPOA on them, do I also need to sign HIPPA papers at their doctors offices? What else do I need to do/paper work to obtain,etc.etc.? I want to take full advantage of this terrible situation to ensure I can help them when the sh_t gets deep.  I have a younger sister who has made it extremely clear she will NOT be helping in any way. I also have a younger brother who has a mental disorder making him unreliable, but at least I have him for emotional support when he is able. 

If there is anything else I need to do, PLEASE tell me. I am truly thankful for this website and each and every person here! I'm sorry we all have to be here but it is what it is. And the fact that we are here tells me we are good people! We are a family, we support each other because we care. In my book, thats some good stuff right there!

Honestly, I'm scared. My Dad has always been "the go to guy" whenever anyone had a problem of any kind.  I'm scared he may not be able to be my go to guy anymore. For those of you who pray, please pray for me, that I will be able to do what I must. Please pray that my Dad will still be my go to guy for at least a little longer. 

Sincerely,

ABC

Quilting brings calm

You need a POA that can kick in immediately and stay that way., you don’t have to use it until you need to, but you won’t need an intervening event to use it. Your dad may appreciate you picking up online banking etc. you need one for each. 

You also need a medical power of attorney.  For each. Individual medical facilities may still want HIPPA signatures. 

See if your Dad will add you to bank accounts.  If they need your moms ‘ signature and she can’t give it.... your Dad can open an account with you and transfer money from their joint account.  This allows you to easily pay for stuff from their account and that power remains after his death. A POA stops on death. 

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M1

so sorry for your troubles abc, you are always so encouraging to everyone else! The crisis does give you a big opportunity to plan ahead, and I hope your dad will be receptive to that. I think Victoria is correct that it may help to have an attorney just so things don't get awkward with your siblings later on-I've been there and it's awful. Relationship with my brother did not survive it (and he and my father were both attorneys).

Your dad has already exceeded the average lifespan for American males, so while I hope and pray he does recover, it's time for a serious conversation about their future. Has he made contingency plans or discussed them with you? Would they be willing to relocate? Or is there someone local you can hire? I also hope and pray I have the wherewithal to voluntarily relocate myself in the future so that no one has to do it for me.

Keep us posted please and hope things go well.

Cynbar

It seems like this might be an opening to get some private help into the home. Your dad has been doing a great job and I'm sure takes pride in it, but his accident may convince him to get some temporary help, which may go on to be permanent (with some encouragement from you). He's not getting any younger, and taking some of the pressure off him going forward would be a sensible step. The big hurdle to get over is first allowing outsiders in ---- this current situation could get you over that hump, and be a head start on developing the longer range plan that it sounds like they need.

Azadi

One document that was important to my situation was Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) form which could be useful for your mom.

zauberflote

Abc, praying that all of your dad's "go-to-guy-ness" rests on you. I think it already does but you haven't had time to notice. It might be helpful to his ability to recuperate from this concussion if you offhandedly reassured him from time to time that you've got this, and Nurse Abc orders him to "siddown and shaddup" while you get his dinner. I expect he is bursting with pride for you and just has no generationally-appropriate way to tell you that.

LaurenB

Something else to do is get both of your parents signed up with the online portal at all of the doctors offices.  I have found it a very helpful way of keeping in touch with the providers, seeing their medical records, keeping track of information so that I can print it out and show them when they are confused.  I've also found that the results from the CT scan and MRI were posted to their online portals prior to the doctor's portal.  I got the information a lot faster that way, though I didn't tell my mom.

abc123

UPDATE

Things are going better. We have Mom more situated with the depends.

Dad is very receptive to help and suggestions.

Thank you everyone! You are appreciated.

Emily 123

Great suggestions on here, as always.

Boy, you've had a busy few weeks! While you're having all these conversations with your Dad, do discuss his healthcare wishes as well. If they belong to a healthcare system, then now's the time to get both their living wills/advance directives on file.  It's better to know what his wishes are now rather than not be sure. Many systems have a downloadable template as do many state websites.  

As recommended, get access to the healthcare portal if available, and that's a great place to make sure contact info, POA's, etc., are up to date and on file.

Prescriptions for both Mom and Dad-how filled?  Who does the taxes and where's the paperwork kept?

Cannot emphasize this enough---Know where to find personal email, and account passwords for any online financial accounts, insurance information, etc.  Offer to make another family member's information the 'secondary' contact on accounts or the recovery number.

You can also set up online accounts at the IRS, which was helpful when we had to do contact/address changes.

Good luck!