Moved Mom to Memory Care...

Sunshine days

Hello my fellow warriors,

Well, February has been the month from hell in our family...

After a series of falls with resulting inability to stand or walk at all, and a deep dive in the cognitive department, I was left with no choice but to move my mom into a lovely Memory Care facility that is doing a wonderful job of keeping her safe and engaging her in activities appropriate for those with dementia. The only problem is my usually easy going and adaptable mother has decided that she doesn't like it there and wants to " go home". This is the first time she has ever used the phrase. We can only visit once a week for an hour due to ongoing Covid restrictions ( we were daily family caregivers at her AL facility prior to this) and she is tearful and emotional when we come and it is breaking my heart. She had a beloved cat who cannot live there with her and she cries about him regularly. My question is to anyone who has been through this before, does it ever get any better? Do people ever adjust and acclimate to the situation and just try to make the best of things? I know everyone is different, but just hoping that generally speaking this extreme emotional upheaval will lessen and she may actually be able to embrace and enjoy her life on some level again. I would so appreciate any input you may have. Thank you and may God Bless! 

star26

As you said, that's a big upheaval. It usually takes at least a couple months for someone to begin to adapt to MC, even without the extra changes and losses she's had. That's great that the staff is engaging her in activities. It's possible that she is not as teary and sad when you're not around. You might ask the staff about that. That's a shame about her cat. I wonder if she might enjoy a "Joy For All" interactive cat now or in the future.

Wifeybyrd

I two just put my mom in a memory care facility and she did I want to leave I was told that is normal it was hard to do there was guilt but it was time for her to go I had to do what was right for my family

MN Chickadee

I understand. The early days after the move were the darkest and hardest of my life. It does get better. It took my mom close to 8 weeks to settle in and settle down. Every day before then felt like one step forward two steps back. Constantly asking to go home, so very sad and sometimes angry. I can say that after a couple months she started to flourish there, and in hindsight it was the best decision possible at the time. Do give it time and try to remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is a process that takes time. I know it's painful to watch but hang in there. In MN long term care residents can have a family member vaccinated as an "essential caregiver" who can then come in to provide care and companionship. Does your state have anything like that? Even if not, vaccines are moving along and hopefully you will be able to get in there and spend more time with her very soon. As spring arrives maybe you can spend time with her outdoors. 

My mother was a cat lover, and we recently bought her a Joy for All robotic cat. As much as I was skeptical she absolutely loves it. Worth every penny. The dementia causes her to appreciate the fact that it is predictable, and though I find it a bit creepy she finds it to be a great companion. It meows and she talks back to it and pets it. I would give it a try. 

Dlustig

 I’m in the exact situation with my Mother. She had to be admitted to Memory Care in September 2020. She’s unhappy and wants to leave. She’s constantly packing her things and waiting for someone to pick her up. It breaks my heart. My daily prayer is that she find contentment but I think that’s impossible. 

Hopefully once we have our COVID-19 vaccination, a more personal visitor schedule will be allowed. A thirty minute weekly visit outside is nothing to her or the family. She’s lonely and bored with nothing to occupy her time. 

Please contact me if you’re interested in a phone conversation. 

Donna Lustig 

[email protected]

LicketyGlitz

Oh, Sunshine, I don't have any additional advice to add, just wanted to say I hope this get easier for you both.

And the interactive cats that star recommended, I'e heard from three different caregivers that they made a wonderful companion for their dementia folks. Here's a link to them: https://joyforall.com/products/companion-cats

Sunshine days

Star 26,

Thank you so much for your reply. According to the staff she does perk up when we are not there and takes part in the activities, so I am encouraged by that. They also gave her an interactive cat her first night there and she still has it , but so far hasn't taken a whole lot of interest in it, at least not when we are there....today I talked to her on the phone and she sounded a bit better, and even mentioned the banana bread they had for their afternoon snack. I will continue to have hope.

Sunshine days

Wifeybyrd, 

That is our situation too. There truly was no other option for her other than a nursing home which would absolutely be a last resort....That is the one thing that helps me with the guilt. It was not by choice but necessity. We are unable to provide the level of care she needs now, and I think on some level she realizes this too. It is just so hard ...

Sunshine days

MN Chickadee,

It is so much harder than I thought it would be...on my difficult caregiver days I sometimes felt resentful and like I was really ready for others to take over her care , but I was not prepared for the emotional fallout of it for my mom and myself. I know it will take time, and so look forward to spring and being able to spend more time with her outdoors, etc. as well as being able to just visit ( instead of cleaning and caregiving) and be a daughter again. Thank you so much for your encouragement and opennesss about your struggles with it too. God Bless!

Sunshine days

Dlustig,

Thank you so much for reaching out and I so appreciate the kind offer !  I hope things start to improve with your mom, too! This is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. God bless us all! 

Sunshine days

Thank you so much, Lickety! 

I so appreciate the link and taking the time to reply. It means a lot just to have people read and care enough to respond to a post. I hope things have calmed down somewhat with your mom, too! God Bless! 

Marlene130

I am also in the same situation.  I moved my mother into a MC facility last month.  She calls several times a week wanting to go home or at least leave.  Her story for wanting to leave changes but its heartbreaking when she calls crying and needs to get out (for various reasons).  I just don't know what to do or say.  Right now we are not able to visit because of Covid but hopefully some limited visitation will be comng soon.   According to the staff she does spend a great deal of time during the day out of her room either participating or observing activities.  She eats her meals with others and is very social.   Its just that certain time in the mid-afternoon when she calls panicked and crying.  Its so difficult to handle.  The other evening I had a very nice conversation with mom and it made me feel good.  The next afternoon she calls crying and now I am depressed.   I just wish I knew if there was something I could do to help her.  I am so grateful I found this forum because it helps to know that I am not alone in this journey.

Sjodry

So sorry for you. I had to place my mom 2 weeks before Xmas. It was incredibly hard. One thing that has helped greatly is that I put an Amazon Echo Show 8 in her room. I paired it with my mobile phone. I enabled the device to allow me to “drop in”. That is, she does not need to know how to answer a call. I drop in several times a day to have video calls with her or just check on her.

She has had a large decline and just went on hospice. This enabled me to get “compassionate caregiver “ status. I see her every day now. But I still drop in on Alexa also. If I see her hanging off the bed or something that requires staff attention, I quickly call them. 

Good luck, I hope it gets easier for you.

Sandy

Sunshine days

Hi Sandy,

That is a great idea! I had no idea...! I will have to check it out and maybe my daughter can help me set that up for my mom too!  I am wondering about Hospice too because my mom has had a huge decline as well; both mentally and physically. She can no longer walk ( even with her walker) and standing takes 2 people to assist. This is mainly why she needed to be placed in Memory Care due to the " Perfect Storm" of her legs giving out on her and she was falling, plus her mental status began to take a nose dive at the same time. I just figured it was a natural part of the disease progression. I guess it couldn't hurt to contact a hospice nurse and get some info...God Bless ! 

Sunshine days

Hi Marlene,

I am so sorry to hear about your mom's struggles, too! She sounds a lot like my mom, with the emotional ups and downs. It is SO unbelievably hard to hear them sound so sad...I am glad to hear that she takes part in the activities though and has what sounds like quality time with the other residents. My mom has been too, according to the staff and one of the girls actually told me that they see that frequently, at first anyway, that they seem pretty good when the family isn't there, but then they get emotional when they are or when they talk to them on the phone. I hope you can visit her soon! We are able to go for 1 hour a week which is a huge adjustment for all of us as we used to see her almost daily. I pray Spring comes soon and things begin to look up for all of us! God Bless! 

bbbonbon

As you said, that's a big upheaval

Sunshine days

Hi BBbonbon,

I know, it definitely was. ....

But it was unavoidable. 

Update: We were able to go visit mom today and she seemed a bit better with everything.

Still not super thrilled but seemed more accepting of it....We encouraged her by talking about how soon hopefully, we will be able to visit more often and with spring coming we can go out in the sunshine, and that seemed to help too. 

philipsmom

I'm in that boat, too. Moved mom into MC July/2020. She daily packs and calls to tell me she wants to go home. She is so sad and anxious. Meds had started to help, but then she had an allergic reaction, now we need to find something else. The staff says she participates in some activities, but the rest of the time she is pacing, crying for her husband and wanting to go home. It is so heartbreaking!  She tells me to come over, but I can only go every other week (Covid once a week visits have to be split between my brother and me), I do hope it gets better for you, but we're still struggling with it.

Simplybren

Wifeybyrd thank you for your reply to this. I am currently the caregiver and the past few weeks have been extremely brutal. I feel I am ready for the next level of care for mom  but also fear I will regret it. Physically I can still care for mom but she has deemed me the enemy and the emotional toll is beginning to be too much. I appreciate you sharing your emotions as it does make me feel less alone. 

Thank you 

Marlene130

Phillipsmom I do feel for you because I'm going through the same thing.  It is extremely heartbreaking.  You are lucky you can at least have limited visitation.  I was/still am hopeful that Mom's MC will open soon for limited visits and I hope that will help.  I will have to try Zoom calls more frequently to see if that helps.

Nancy B21

Thank you for posting!  i know MC is in our near-ish future although I am still somewhat in denial.  I miss my mom.  Watching her slowly leave is so hard--but the responsibility is so great that it supersedes the pain--there is no time to grieve.  

This helps with my acceptance of the future.

God bless you.

MPTosa

Hello,

My mother was in a MCF for three years and never gave in - always wanted to go home, was verbally abuse toward me, her daughter. Would berate me when I visited her, would not see my daughter until I got her out. My father finally had enough of her complaining (plus he was terrified she’d get COVID and die) that we moved her back home.

Guess what? She still wants to go home and regularly attacks me verbally.

She wants to go home, back to when her brain worked and things made sense to her. 

icyjazzy

Hi all,

Brand new to this site and I am already seeing helpful discussions.
I am new to this whole dementia thing, as my mother has VD and since it isn't genetic, we didn't see this coming.

She was diagnosed in April 2020, she was 80 and the doctor made it clear she needed 24/7 care.  She couldn't remember if she ate, etc. thus losing weight and she started hallucinating due to the dementia and low B12.  Neither myself or my brother could take her into our home, so I found a wonderful MC for her straight from the hospital and rehab center.
Of course all the red tape to get things settled were high stress for me, as my brother was there for the emergency and has left the real work up to me.  Granted if ever questioned he supports me which is great yet it doesn't help the day to day type stuff.

Like I am reading from others it did take her about 8ish weeks to at least settle a bit, but closer to 4 mos before she started flourishing.
Her lucidity level appears high, however, she will start to loop her stories and discussions, or become fixated on something she has thought of herself.
She has always been a strong woman with lots of narcissistic personalities in her life....of which, she has now become herself in this journey.
She isn't happy where she is at in the sense she thinks I (specifically) and my brother have locked her up.  Fortunately this subject has lessened in our conversations.
She has real control issues and feels like everything is being taken away from her. I totally get it.  Where she is at, they of course encourage the interactions (limited as it is currently) but do not want valuables brought in.  So what is my mom fixated on....her jewelry.
The insurance won't cover it there and the facility doesn't want it there...so I get the brunt of her anger because I am not doing as I am being told to do "after all she is the mother and I am the child" (her type of scolding)....it's wearing on me.
I am doing better as a whole with all the stress this last year brought...the onset of the dementia diagnosis, covid presenting in the world, losing my job due to covid, moving myself 2 times, and thing forced to move my mother's belongings supposedly due to the landlord "selling" the duplex. (fortunately I am working now).  And nothing went perfectly everything had to have a hiccup along the way.
It is all done, but I have to admit, the mere mention of my mother being upset or her deciding to yell at me on the phone, or the verbal dig when taking her to a medical appt outside the facility is nearly more than I can bear.
I have wanted to throw my hands up and just say "f" it and walk away, but that isn't me either.  I don't want to make myself ill trying to help her while keeping her dignity and feeling of controlling her own life.
I am taking steps to help myself with stress, cause this is high, as everyone here understands.  But again...this is tough.  
Thanks for letting it just spew out...I am not sure what I am seeking or what I need to do or even ask at this point. Day by Day.