Father is in denial of mom's Alzheimer's

Painter65

Hello everyone, I'm new at this.  My mother was diagnosed last June with Alzheimer and she lives with my dad.  They are both in denial of this disease, Dad thinks its just old age and Mom just does not remember.  I live 3+ hours away, but I visit at least twice a month.  I was their this last weekend cause my dad had a stent but in his heart and should not drive or climb stairs for at least 3 days.  You noticed I said SHOULD!!!

 He is starting to get short with her. I can hear it in his voice the angry (not all the time) and frustration.  She repeats herself over and over.  She can ask the same question 3 times in an 1/2 hour.  It just breaks my heart that she does not understand why he gets angry with her.  I have suggested several times to my father to get in a support group. I'm at a lost what to do. If anyone has a ideal how to get him to accept her Alzheimer's I'm open to anything.

I do have other siblings, 6 to be exact.  Only 3 of us visit our parents on regular basis, the ones that live 2 to 3 hours away.  That's another conversations.

Maybe I just need to vent and get it off my chest in this group.

harshedbuzz

I am sorry you are dealing with this situation.

I had a similar situation with my own parents. Mom's denial was so intense that she fought my suggestions to have him evaluated for dementia for several years until his cognitive shift prevented him from being her advocate when needed which nearly resulted in her death.

Some things that helped:

1. I think it's important to have some empathy for the spouse of the PWD. The ambiguous loss of a life partner is a very different experience than dementia in a parent- in a sense when one spouse has dementia, their marriage does, too. 

2. One thing I noticed was that dad's medical team and even the PCP they shared put what was best for dad ahead of what was best or even feasible for my mother. One of the best things I did was get my mom her own psychiatrist and talk therapist so she had someone who had her back 100% of the time. Medication helped with the depression and anxiety that were a result of the changes in her life because of dementia.

3. A support group is a great idea. Alas, most of these are virtual near me because of the COVID numbers. I found my mom much more open to suggestions from her caregiving peers than from me. This was especially true early on when she really needed an attitude adjustment because dad could sense her anger and frustration and he made her pay dearly for it. PWD can read the emotional temperature of their caregivers long after they lose the ability for reason and rational thinking.

I went with mom the first couple times to help her get used to her IRL group. I have done tech support now that they're online but it just isn't the same- for one thing, if your PWD lives with you, it might be impossible to speak freely about your feelings or problems you are having.

4. This free download helped my mother understand dementia as it impacted dad's thinking and behavior. I found it helped her be more patient and compassionate. 

Home | Thoughtful Dementia Care (understanding-dementia-experience.com)

5. Your dad may need breaks built into his day/week. A day program for your mom may offer her some socialization and him a break to attend to his own emotional well being. Or he could bring in a HHA to stay with her while he gets out for a bit.

6. It's possible, too, that your dad doesn't have the ability to be as capable a caregiver as your mom deserves and that another option will need to be explored. 

HB

harshedbuzz

ETA: your mom likely has anosognosia. It's a condition in mental illness and dementia where the person isn't able to recognize that they have had a cognitive shift. Their reality is that they are the same as they have ever been.

ebplionis

Absolutely get it off your chest!  My father is still struggling as well, its so hard for all family members since our LO can seem like their old selves one second, and then all of a sudden they aren't within a matter of seconds.  All I can say is what has been SLOWLY helping my father, which is of course not enough, but something.  

He is not the type of man to use a support group, no matter how much it might help, just not his speed.  Maybe in the future, we will see.  For me I approach it as something we are learning about together.  "Oh dad, I was doing some reading yesterday and found something I thought you would find interesting"  "the alz association says xyz, and all this time I've been doing abc, so I'm going to try xyz with mom, and see if that helps"  we try it out together, see how it works with my mother, and eases his burden and he slowly adapts.  This is with simple stuff so far like making sure everything is labeled so she isn't searching for words as often, putting a big clock with day and time on display so she isn't constantly asking what time/day of the week it is.  

The other thing I have to remind myself is that he is living with it 24/7 and for me its just the weekends and odd call.  It must be soooo hard for him, I can't imagine.  As he's not going to a support group, and while family can never be the same (nor should they try) as a support group, they can still be a safe and empathetic ear.  

Good luck, your parents are lucky to have you.

Quilting brings calm

Here is my story and my suggestion: 

My parents are in a similar situation. They are in assisted living so that my dad doesn’t have total responsibility for her. He is just now starting to admit that it’s more than old age.  It’s been 17 months since a health crisis exposed just how bad my Mom was. And it took several months to get a diagnosis while she improved from the UTI.   He doesn’t read or use the computer nor would he join  a support group.  He’s also not one to listen to anyone. I don’t know what the staff at the assisted living facility have discussed with him, but we’ve been to the doctor  several  times and he just kept ignoring what he was told.  I finally had to have the doctor be frank with him.  So the doctor quit pussyfooting around.  He used the word dementia several times.  He told them both that Mom’s brain didn’t work as well anymore and wouldn’t improve.  He told them that they ( including Dad) could not move back  on their own in an apartment. That assisted living was the right level for them.

Since then Dad has occasionally asked if ‘X’ troubling behavior is part of her disease.  I explain that yes it is.  I also explain that she’s not going to get better. He is not ready to believe she will get worse. He’s forgotten people in his past who has dementia.  Although it could also be he never paid any attention to their condition because he wasn’t a caregiver. 

Painter65

Thanks everyone for all the info.  I'm going to send my dad some links and hopefully he will check them out.

Suzy23

Painter65.

Just wanted to say that I am in a fairly similar  situation.  My dad was recently diagnosed and my mom is having a hard time dealing with it, which I understand.   She is refusing support groups, will almost never read articles, etc. So I do all the reading and digest it for her. She still rejects almost all my suggestions but gradually over time I have been putting things in place as best I can from afar. 

I  am her support group. 

I am going to start going to one myself. 

She is struggling between trying not to argue or get mad and feeling like she is having to supervise him constantly and he’s always messing things up. She also refuses the idea of home help or moving closer to me or looking into a facility. So every day while she is coping with the crisis of that day, I am trying to think what will happen 3, 6, or 12 months from now? So I can try to prepare. 

bbbonbon

I am sorry you are dealing with this situation