Return Home from MC

StayCalm

This is my first question, but I have been reading this forum for almost a year.  I have read several posts recently about LO moving into MC.  Has anyone moved their LO to MC, then later needed to bring them back home because they could not transition?

Here is our background.  Our 100 year old Mother has late stage 5 Alzheimer and she is Asymptomatic.  She also has macular degeneration, but no other major diseases.  She sees hallucinations, not ones that scare her, but she will get upset if I do not dress right for their imaginary occasions.  She has no idea what she is eating at meals.  She experiences Sundowing.  She does not like it when I try to clean house, fix meals, talk on the telephone, go on the computer, or even sit and pay bills, she wants my undivided attention.  She follows me everywhere in the house.  I have been out without her only a few times in over a year.  She does not make any sense when she talks.  Recently she is having difficulty finding the words that she wants to say and stutters.  Often, she does not know who I am and will ask me where I am. Recently I have had caregivers come in 2 days a week for 4 hours each day

Mother lived with my sister and BIL for 9 years, but she can no longer care for her due to my sister’s health conditions with diabetes and by-pass heart surgery.  Mother moved in with me the beginning of 2020. (600 miles)  I also have health problems including heart failure and arthritis which limits my walking and it is getting worse.  I realize my stress level and mental health is stretched to its limit (The same as all of you reading this.). In addition our 5 year old granddaughter comes to our house 2 days after school and all day Saturday while our son works.  Mother is always angry with her and thinks the child is “out to get her”, while the child actually acts loving and tries to help her great grandmother.  My sister and I are in our mid 70’s.  We talk daily and are in agreement that it is probably time for Mother to move into MC.  I have visited several MC facilities. From about 10 years ago, until about 3 years ago, Mother had attended Sunday Church and prayer meetings, but no other social contacts.  MC facilities have told me that she will eventually mix in after she gets accustomed to the activities and routine.  My big concern is that mother will not transition to being away from either my sister or myself and trying new activities, and Mother will have to return home.

I’m sorry this is so long and rambling.  Please share if you had to move LO back home.  Any other advice will be greatly appreciated.

Cynbar

I haven't had experience with this myself, but from reading many posts on the subject, it seems that almost everyone does eventually adjust pretty well to MC. Some people continue to ask to go home, or get angry at relatives, but staff report they socialize and attend activities. I do recall a couple posts about bringing relatives home from MC, but one was because the care was unsatisfactory and a couple others were due to COVID restrictions. Few PWD are happy when they arrive at MC, but sometimes it just has to be done. Your situation sounds like one of those. You and your sister are both in your 70s and have health problems. And I would worry about the effect your mother's hostility is having on your sweet granddaughter. Get her finances in order, research local facilities and make the move. The best gift for her at this point is to find a good facility for her and then step back and let their staff facilitate her adjustment.

ladyzetta

I totally agree with Cynbar. Your 5 year old Granddaughter does not need to be around your Mother. Your health is important as well. Take care of yourself and your sweet little granddaughter, Your mother will adjust.

JJ401

You have visited a few memory cares. Pick one. Get Mom on a waiting list and when her name comes up, move her there. Don't wait until there is an urgent need for placement as that will most likely mean no choice of where. 

What you are doing now is not sustainable for you, your granddaughter and your mom. Take a leap of faith and place her. It may be/ will be rough at first but, she will settle into the routine. You will have to be patient and give it time.