Active dying ain't for sissies...

LicketyGlitz

... and yet, I'm kinda being one.

Dementia Dichotomy

https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/dementia-dichotomy

 

Huh. Well, how 'bout that?

https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/huh-well-how-bout-that

 

Nothing

https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/nothing

Quilting brings calm

Yes. All emotions are valid and humans careen between them like pinballs.  You’ve been feeling them for years so shutting down seems like the logical result to me.  Along with the ‘ who am I going to be when I grow up’ angst now that you are staring at the next phase. 

You’ve been grieving since your mom got the dementia diagnosis.  Do not feel guilty because you are at a different spot on the grief trail than those who get imminent dying news unexpectedly.  

Please rest.

M1

I like your cousin's phrase. But I disagree with one thing-I bet you'll find that you will always be a daughter. I lost my dad at age 37 and my mom at 41, and now at 65 I think of them both every day. You will carry her forward with you Lickety. Parents intend their children to outlive them, so you are fulfilling life's natural order. And you can do it in her honor.....

abc123

Dear Glitz, 

I have been keeping up with the updates you are posting. I spent 30 minutes composing a letter of things/feelings that I felt would help you thru this time. I was replying to your website/blog. Apparently my letter wasn’t as profound as I had thought, it disappeared into wherever things disappear to when someone is a moron when it comes to tech devices! Please know that you, Mom and everyone else who loves her are in my heart and in my prayers. There are so many things and feelings I wish I could share with you. No matter how prepared we are for the passing of a loved one, it’s a gut punch when it finally happens. Roll with it. Take it all in and let it all out. It’s so different for each of us. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should do it. Follow your beautiful heart. 

MPSunshine

Hey, Lickety, You're absolutely right, active dying isn't for sissies. I was deluded into thinking things would be easy with my mom because my dad so quietly slipped away. No such luck. We had the full on aspirating breathing, "death rattle" as it's so graciously called, reverberating through the house, and thank God for the crisis nurses who were by my mom's bedside, because I could only take it in small doses. Also the mottling. I thought it was bedsores. I was so wrong, it was the sign of the final stages. People tell you about it but then in the reality of the moment it's your loved one and it's so much more awful than all the pamphlets. It's indescribable.

You're doing the right thing calling in for all and any help at this time. It's a very stressful time for everyone. I wish you and your whole family unit and your mom all the best.

Warm hugs and comfort and reassurance that this too, will finally be okay.

Kindly,

MPSunshine

RobOT

Dear Lickety, remember that old thing about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?  (You don't have to count the river of wine with it's rafts of fatty, delicious food, we all take some kind of respite.)  You've supported the people here with your directness, honesty and humor, you'll always be a daughter, and you've become--wait for it--an expert.  You're delightful!  And as you come through the quagmire of grief and self doubt about how you handled the impossible situation of caring for a loved one crumbling into a long, slow death, you'll pick it up and have a life.  If you think you had character before, think of the stockpile of stuff you can turn loose now.  As for your current feelings, you've carried most of the load, now you're just letting the others help you a little more.  We're still here for you, and you know we're pretty much sympathetic with ALL the emotions.  Hang in there, you also know how much we care.

Jane Smith

Lickety, I have got no words of wisdom or advice or been there done that t shirts for you. Sorry. 

What I do have is to tell you how much I appreciate your blog, your posts, every single brutally honest emotion and story and thought you have shared. It means a lot to me personally. Thank you. 

This is probably inappropriate but if you wanna DM me your address, I’ll send wine!  Red or white?

Birdies

Hi Lickety,

I’m holding my breath thinking of you... thinking of your dear old wonderful mom and hoping for a peaceful passage.

Your thoughts, musings, suggestions, grief and humor have given me (and many others) comfort in knowing we are not alone on this long, lonely, crazy ride

I’m so grateful for the online community of support and “friends”

You will be alright.  

((Hug))

Azadi

Lickety,

My mom passed away last month and I saw all the stages of death she went through. I was a caretaker like you and felt like I have lost my purpose in life after her death. I miss her and every corner of the house reminds me of her. Your poem was very close to my heart and expressed my feelings. It will take time to feel better but we will not be the same as before. I encourage you to keep on talking to her and hold her hands even though there are others that are relieving you so you don't blame yourself after she is gone. You are the best!  

LicketyGlitz

Each and everyone of you, thank you. Thank you for understanding, sharing your experience, and your rah-rahs to keep moving through this (not that I have a choice, but after reading all this I do feel like I got some cheerleaders in our Stumped Town Dementia corner!)

For those of you who commented that I will still be a daughter - oh, how right you are. I reread that post this morning and gave myself a mental eye roll with a "Ok, drama queen!" Sometimes in the heat of my emotions I hyperbole much.

Jane, what a lovely gesture! But how 'bout this instead... you spend your money on your beverage of choice, and when you get the word that my mom has finally passed, raise a glass to her and all our dementia loved ones. In fact, if any of you wanted to do the same that would be really, really cool.

Mom is hanging in there when I think she should be hanging it up, but she never paid me no mind anyways.

Thank you again, everybody.

ladyzetta

Dear Lickety,

When it is time to raise that glass of wine let us know I will be right there with you. Until then you take care of yourself.  Hugs Zetta 

abc123

Dear Glitz, thinking of you and your team and your Mom! 

The wine is chilling. 

wyoming daughter

I can't tell you how reading your posts have helped me Lickety.  I will absolutely raise a glass.  I'll raise as many glasses as it takes.  Bless you. I'm thankful for you and these boards.  Your writings will forever be of help.

Beachfan

Lickety,

Still keeping the prayer chain rattling.  Hoping Tanqueray is acceptable; never was a wine connoisseur.  Just need a lime.  Stay strong.

KLF22

Hi Lickety,

I’m new here today, but not at all new to the horror of Alzheimer’s.  My dad is 18 months into his diagnosis and I lost my mom to ALZ in April of 2020.  The pictures of your mom brought back so much of the trauma of those last two weeks.  And she was actively dying for 2 weeks, as my sister, dad and I covered 24 hour bedside vigils one at a time due to Covid protocols in her memory care facility.  I wish you peace and I wish your mom a quick and easy release.  Today I will light a candle in honor of your mom, and gladly join in that wine toast.

Luv Power

Hi Lickety, 

I am crying buckets of tears for you.  Everything everyone has said, says it all.  We love you.  You are a wonderful daughter.  We appreciate you ~ your frankness, your humor and your honesty.  We feel the sadness of your loss.  I think the words that struck me the most was when you posted on your Blog,  "Who will I be when you're gone, Mom?"  That statement sums it up completely for me.  We are caregivers, giving 100% plus more.  When our job is over, what do we do now?  Who are we now?  Who are we now without our Loved Ones?

I have never been able to add web links, but please Google the "Man In the Arena" speech by Theodore Roosevelt.  Wherever it says "Man", please replace that word with "Caregiver".  We are the ones who are in the arena every day fighting valiantly for our Loved Ones every single day.  Marred by dust, sweat and blood.  We strive valiantly.  We Dare to Be Great.

I have been your biggest cheerleader every single day of your (our) struggle as Caregivers to Loved Ones with Dementia.  I raise a glass of wine to toast your accomplishments as the most devoted Caregiver I have ever met, and I pray that someday you also get a pony.

Diane