Taking away financial agency and bvFTD

Suzy23

Hi all,

My dad is 77 and was diagnosed with bvFTD a few months ago. He always handled all the finances and rarely spoke of money to my mom. 

When I realized something was terribly wrong about 2 years ago, I started the process and now (thanks largely to advice on this board!) I have DPOA and health care proxy for both my parents, and my name is also on their checking account and savings accounts.  Credit cards I haven’t sorted out yet.

BvFTD —seems like fiblets and distraction don’t work nearly as well as for some of the other dementias.  My dad would never accept “the car is in the shop” or “i will look into that, let’s go get a snack.” My mom seems to have the no driving under control, but I’m still worried that he is going to sneak out  and do it when her back is turned. 

But today my question is on finances.  She and I both had some discussions with him about how I need to be the person to manage them now a few months back. He seemed to accept it at the time and stopped messing with transferring money in crazy ways.  But he still checks the accounts every morning when he wakes up (around 3:00 am) and recently he got angry about a transfer I did into their checking account so it wouldn’t bounce and he transferred it all back again.  

I think the only solutions are going to be her changing his passwords so he can’t access the accounts, or me bringing down the legal hammer and getting the dr to fill out the form for the financial institutions saying he no longer can act in his own best interest.  Either way he is going to be furious and definitely can and will call them up and demand return to normal.  My mom is also worried that it will undermine his trust in us.  But I don’t see any way around it.  

She wants us to have a conversation with him explaining why he can’t have control any more.  I think it’s more likely to make him either angry or sneaky or both.  

I also know I need to get his credit cards taken away and ability to get new ones blocked.  Again, exercise DPOA.  He has made some mistakes with them as well. My mom has never had her own— she has always just been a signatory on his.  And he is obsessed with the mail so will definitely  see if we get new ones in her name.  I have suggested she get a PO Box for mail she doesn’t want him to see with her having the only key.  

And yes I know she needs support groups, home aides, and definitely would be best for everyone for them to move to a place with levels of care near me (several states away) but this all falls on deaf ears so far.  She has 1,001 reasons why most of my suggestions would never work.  She has had anxiety all her life and difficulties coping. Now also has mobility problems.

Any advice on the wresting financial control when fiblets will not work? Do I put it in place and just wait for him to find out? Or is there any other way?

Thanks

Suzy23

It seems like as caregivers we seek to avoid confrontation as much as possible, and just control the environment because we can’t change the dementia or the PWD. But with bvFTD it seems harder to avoid confrontation and at the same time, people with bvFTD get angry and frustrated quite easily and also don’t lose memory or other abilities at the same rate. My dad’s judgement and executive function, personality and self-control are all horribly changed, but his memory is good and he can use the internet including remembering quite a few use names and passwords. 

At the same time, he will get confused by how to work the TV now. He also finds explanations boring and frustrating. Seems pretty uninterested in his own condition and thinks that he hasn’t gotten anything out of all the medical appointments other than new medicine to help him sleep. 

I am willing to do what needs to be done and to make him angry about taking away his financial agency but I worry it’s my mom who is going to bear the brunt of his anger. 

Suzy23

My mom still refuses but I am going to start attending a bvFTD support group with the first one tonight.

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Suzy23

Thanks, Victoria. The support group said the exact same thing and I told my mom this. I  going to take away his access. 

We can’t trust him. He can’t trust himself though he will never understand or admit that. 

I am still worried he will take out his anger and frustration on her, but I’m assuming the dr can up or add meds if needed to take the edge off. 

Cynbar

Please stop trying to reason with him or get his consent, he doesn't think he has a problem (very common) so this isn't going to happen. The less discussion with him, the better for all of you. But I notice you have twice at least mentioned concern that he may get angry and aggressive towards your mother. Now is the time to talk to her about a plan in case this happens. She should have a charged cell phone with her at all times, and a safe room with a lock to retreat to so she has time to call for help. You mention mobility issues ---can she move quickly, get out of the house if necessary, drive? Would a medic alert button for her (can also be used for safety not just medical emergencies) make sense? I have no experience with this scenario, but there have been a number of posters who have, perhaps they will chime in. Or, you could start a new thread to better get their attention. But I think this is something to address without delay.