Keep telling my dad he has Alzheimer’s?

KLF22

I’m wondering if anyone has advice, or has talked to a social worker, about whether it’s best to continue to explain to my dad that he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or not.  He is still in the early stages (having lost my mom to Alzheimer’s one year ago, I know he has a long road ahead), and he absolutely cannot believe that he has ever been told he has the disease.  We have had this exact conversation with him countless times.  I was in the doctor’s appointment when he was told of his diagnosis 18 months ago, but he either truly never remembers when we tell him, or he is in total denial.  Is it important for us to continue to explain this to him, or let it go at this point?  It came up again recently because he fell for two major scams this week and we are trying to explain why we are worried and trying to take more control of his financial situation.  Thanks for any advice or shared experiences.

Quilting brings calm

My mother has been told by her PCP and it didn’t register.  Not when she was told and not since.  She keeps thinking it will be temporary. Even though she was told it was due to a previous brain injury and a stroke and was not reversible.  I can guess that my step-dad joins her in this delusion since he only finally recently even admitted she had a disease( thought she was faking).  I don’t see any need to explain to her that it isn’t temporary and that it will get worse. She’s still at an early stage too.  Most likely stage 4 based upon what I read.   Long road ahead.

Ginsamae

Stop explaining. It's pointless - he will never remember and you'll get frustrated with him because you're tired of having the same conversation (been there, done that, threw away the t-shirt). It's time for you to become the parent and start taking control of things - if you have has DPOA start getting your name onto all of his accounts.

JoseyWales

Stop telling him. He obviously can't remember, and an impaired mind can't compare itself to a mind that works. 

With that said, I know it's hard. 

M1

Welcome to the forum KLF. I think we're unanimous on this one, there is no point. Look up anasognosia- it's the inability to recognize that you are impaired, and many with Alzheimer's have it.

You are going to just have to take control without his permission. If you don't have durable power of attorney, you need to consult a certified elder law attorney (CELA) urgently to get it-tell them about the scams when you call. 

It's very hard to change the relationship and give up trying to reason with him, it goes against the grain of most adult interactions. But it's not only necessary here but the compassionate thing to do. Good luck- there are many experienced caregivers here with good insights. Keep coming back and read a lot.

Cynbar

It's pointless to keep explaining things to him, he hasn't gotten it yet and he's not going to. His mind isn't working right, the rules have changed. Why deliver upsetting news over and over again? He also won't understand that he has been scammed, may accuse you of trying to steal his money when you take over his finances, but still you must do it because your task is to keep him safe and comfortable. This was a big hurdle for me to get over, understanding that I could no longer reason with my DH, but I got there with practice. It was clear to me that my efforts to have a rational discussion were only frustrating both of us. I would definitely drop it.

KLF22

Thanks for your thoughts.  I definitely have been a parent for over four years - selling my parents’ home, moving them into a retirement community, then moving my mom into memory care, and managing most of their medical and financial issues.  And I do have POA.  For some reason I have just struggled with the fact that my dad can seem very lucid on many subjects except this...

mrsfnulnu

Hi all.  I'm sorry we are all going through this.  Perhaps my perspective might help the original poster understand just how useless it is to keep telling his/her dad he has Alzheimer's and how profound the confusion is...Both of my parents were diagnosed with dementia, both Alzheimer's but my mom also had vascular dementia.  My mom passed away at the end of January following an illness (not Covid) and hospice care at home.  My dad, who was diagnosed about 2 years ago, has never remembered either that my mom had dementia (she was diagnosed 4 years ago) and he certainly does not remember he has dementia.  The most painful aspect of his inability to remember these diagnoses and his inability to see himself or herself realistically is that he actually kept telling everyone when she was on hospice that she was getting *better* and even after she could no longer eat, drink, or speak, he would come out of her room saying she had told him she was feeling better and he had told her how she could get stronger.  The day after she passed away and he said his goodbyes to her, he went into her room and asked me where she was.  Here we are not even two months later and he told me at dinner last week he is ready to find another wife.  I asked him and he has absolutely no idea how long ago she passed.  This gutted me.  I'm sorry if this post is painfully blunt but these things really helped clarify for me how deeply affected his brain is and that I need not waste any more effort trying to help him "understand" or "remember." He most certainly cannot remember his own diagnosis or how it is impacting him.  I just need to be there for him to keep him safe and happy to any extent possible.  I wish you all peace, comfort, and strength!

abc123

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mother. 

Please stop trying to tell him he has Alz. Please stop trying to explain anything important to him. That ship has sailed and sunk. I know its hard. 

mommyandme (m&m)

My mother was an RN.  She lived in a state where none of her children lived. She realized she had an issue and got herself diagnosed. She told me about some of her memory challenges and I was in denial and said we all have those issues. Well here we are today, late level 6 Alzheimer’s.  

Almost two years ago, after she asked me what was wrong with her, I asked her if she knew what Alzheimer’s was.  She said no, so I didn’t explain.  That ship had sailed. Now I just validate her feelings for whatever, but her questions on what’s wrong with her no longer come up.

I concur, no reason to continue to try to explain.

SunnyBeBe

After the neurologist told my LO that she had dementia, she said to me when we walked out that she hated it, because she didn't want to lose the wonderful memories of her parents.  I said, don't worry you won't.  They were both deceased at the time.  She never mentioned dementia again and neither did I. We just dealt with things one day at a time.