This Dementia Life

Jeff86

This is how late stage six is playing out in our house.  Three conversations that took place this week.

One

DW:  Do you think you can get me a better job?

(She retired years ago)

Me:  I might.  Why do you want a better job?

DW:  So I can make more money.

Me:  Why do you want more money?

DW:  So I can eat.

Me:  Well, you eat now.  

DW:  I know.  But only a little.  I’d be able to eat more.

Two

DW:  I’d like to give you.

Me:  Give me what?

DW:  I’d like to give you a mistress.

Me:  Really?  Why?

DW:  Because it’s cheap.

Me:  You wouldn’t mind me having a mistress?

DW:  No.

Three

Me:  Do you know my name?

DW:  No

Me:  I’m Jeff.  Does that seem familiar?

DW:  I think so

Me:  Do you know who I am to you?

DW:  I don’t know

Me:  Am I your cousin?

DW:  I don’t think so

Me:  Am I your friend:

DW:  I’m not sure.

Me:  Am I your husband?

DW:  I don’t think so.  But I like you very much.

Sigh.

Myralw

Sounds just like “conversations” at my house. Sad. I miss my “husband” and his wonderful humor, his eloquent speaking abilities, and our shared experiences and memories we could talk about. I am thankful he is content and doesn’t even seem to know he’s missing anything. But it breaks my heart because I know.  

Sorry we are experiencing such loss. Take it a day at a time. 

Myra

Ed1937

Jeff, no doubt this is hard for you. BUT...

Jeff86 wrote:

But I like you very much.

You have to look at this as a win. Wins are not easy to come by, so we have to keep a keen eye for them. You can't focus on the negatives, even though I know that's hard to dismiss.

M1

we've had upsetting (to me) conversations this week too Jeff, and we're only stage 4-5 (more 5 than not, lately).  She asked me if Trump had died (since he's not in the news every day any more).....just one more indication that she's really in her own little world now.  We have discussions about Covid like it's a new thing every.single.day.  Our best friends are coming to dinner tonight for her 80th birthday (which was Friday), and she can't remember their names.  She said, Oh I thought you had invited someone else you knew from work that I don't know.  We also went this week to sign some changes in her will (fairly minor, fortunately) and the attorney wouldn't let her sign, because she clearly couldn't remember what the changes were.  First time where competency was clearly, clearly gone.  

Sometimes these are just a quick stab in the heart...

Jeff86

Thanks, Ed.  The losses don’t cancel the wins, just as the wins don’t erase the losses.

I have much to still be grateful for.  DW is still verbal (although at times it’s gibberish), loving, mostly cooperative, not angry or aggressive.

The gratitude and the grief sit right next to one another.

LadyTexan

Dear Jeff.

As you know, this disease is so cruel and makes no sense. Gratitude helps me carry on when all else seems so broken. You said it best, the gratitude and grief  sit right next to each other.

God bless you friend.

DWck

DH and I were sitting having breakfast yesterday and watching the local news on TV. All of a sudden he looked up at me and said “I believe in Christ”. We were both raised as Protestants but haven’t been to church in years. We talked about spirituality and our belief in God and just as quickly he changed the subject. It was strange and unnerved me. His train of thought changes with the wind even mid discussion. Perhaps he was thinking, in his own way, about his mortality. Guess the best I can do is listen and love him.

Jeff86

DW just asked if we could go home soon.  

I asked her where that is.

She said, “You.”

That’s the win, as Ed and Army_Vet have noted.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Crushed

Memorable conversations

DW - Did I have sex last night ?

 Me   Yes
DW    Was it with YOU ?

Me   Yes  -  
 DW  Oh Good,  I was worried 

DW When did I ask you to marry me ?

Me You didn't I asked you !

DW  Oh So I didn't forget  !!!

Lp57$

Hi Jeff, it sounds like this at my house also. My DH has asked me to marry him about 3 times in the past month or so. I am new at this and this is very hard for me, just like it is for all who have to deal with it.  Any suggestions on how to deal with the hallucinations and aggression?

Thanks

LP

Jeff86

Welcome to the forum, LP, and I’m sorry you have reason to be here.  That said, you will find many wonderfully generous and helpful people to walk this journey with you.

It’s sweet that your DH is asking to marry you.  Rather than telling/reminding him that you’re already married to him, just say yes, you’d love to marry him.  You can’t win in a discussion in which you’re arguing logic/reality—you’re dealing with someone who’s brain is malfunctioning.  So, generally, we don’t argue with PWD’s—agreeing will keep your LO happier, and it will be easier for you.  The general wisdom is to go to your LO’s reality.  Delusions, in particular, can’t be countered with logic.  Acceptance and agreement get you further.   Learning distraction techniques will also stand you in good stead—agree, and then change the topic.

Hallucinations may be more problematic if they cause your DH distress.  And aggression is clearly problematic.  You might want to consult with your DH’s neurologist regarding medications that might be effective in keeping both under control.  I can’t speak to what might be appropriate for Parkinson’s with dementia, but my DW is on anti-psychotic and anti-depressive medications.

Ed1937

LP, I'm sorry you are fighting this fight too. I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I have nothing to add because Jeff said it very well. Best of luck in finding something to help.

Lp57$

Thank you Jeff for the info. I am sorry that you are having to go through this also!  I am glad that I join this support site because everyone is so nice!! I really thought it would not help but it does so much. Everyone is going through something and it really helps out to find out how people are dealing with this. Thank you

ButterflyWings

Lp - Welcome, though we all wish you and we did not need to be here. It is a special group of caring and knowledgeable people, that is for sure. I have learned so much here, about how to just do my best one day (or 1 hour) at a time. 

We have constant, very odd conversations daily. If I can just go with the flow, I find it is like creative writing or film making...we are just in an alternate reality and it can be interesting if I let it be. I am intentionally not really processing the shock and sadness fully just yet. I will at some point I know. For now, I just try not to make things worse. Expecting our PWD LOs to think, talk, and act like their brains are normal is just not realistic for us to expect anymore.

Our situation with hallucinations and delusions required medication, including Seroquel (antipsychotic) for us now at 25mg 3x daily, and Sertraline (antidepressant) at a fairly low level.

My DH is less likely to act on his CONSTANT exit seeking, and his calm, content, agreeable pre-dementia personality is more evident for longer periods with these meds. Without them, the paranoia, hostility, anger, rummaging, door barricading, seeing people in our home + weaponing up to fight them off at night (not guns, but still!), false beliefs/accusations and overall increasing aggression is just too much. 

Good luck to you