Long Distance

N00dles

I live states away from my parents; I feel helpless sometimes when my Mom expresses stress regarding my DF. I want to help, but aside from phone calls cannot do much without visiting.

I visit a few times a year, staying a few weeks-up-to-a-month at a time. I wish, for multiple reasons, we lived closer; however, due to my husband's job we are where we are right now. It saddens me I am not there to support them and to live these days while he still knows me. I cherish the times I am there, even though it is stressful at times.

I guess I am not looking for answers, just wanted to share.

Kcorson2

I live an hour away from my mom who has constant care both her partner and paid care when he is out 8 hours a day. She needs to be put in a home and I am POA (medical and financial). I am finding it difficult to find a good place that will work with me. Either they say she is too aggressive (despite me explaining she doesn’t have constant monitored medical as partner makes changes on his own-barrier)  or they don’t like the meds she is on- stating they prefer to work with less medical and calming. I’ve said I’m open to that but need her somewhere safe to try it and they ditch me. Do I lie about the meds and aggression which the meds aren’t even totally helping? Can I put her into a mental health ward to be properly evaluated and medicated? I’m so frustrated and now partner is telling me she needs to be in a home (I wanted to last year!) and it’s not that easy now.....

My sister and I stayed with mom two nights and tried some suggestions we had offered partner while he was away- melatonin and double briefed and she slept 12-12.5 hours- he is up half the night with her changing bedding and clothes and both are exhausted.... he won’t do the melatonin or double briefs....

I feel like I am banging head against the wall. 

Deanna_M

Welcome, N00dles. I am sorry that you are in this situation and I can imagine how hard it must feel to not be able to provide hands-on help. 

There may be things that you can do to help your mom from afar, to remove some of the responsibilities from her plate. Perhaps you can manage the finances and pay the bills? You could shop online for them (clothing, etc) and have things delivered to their house? You could even arrange to have dinner from a local restaurant delivered a couple of times/week so your mom would have a couple of nights when she would have to cook and clean up dinner. There is a lot that can be managed online or via the phone, that could be a tremendous help to your mom. 

I know that won't take away from being able to see your dad in person, but supporting your mom could potentially go a long way toward helping the family overall.

N00dles

Kcorson2 That sounds like a difficult situation to be in, to try and make decisions. She may need a medical evaluation, and prescriptions evaluated by her physician or a neurologist.

N00dles

Deanna_M Thank you being welcoming and understanding.

Those are some good suggestions; I will look into following up with those.

M1

Noodles, can you maybe make a geriatric psychiatrist appointment and plan to be there for it? It might be easier to get her into memory care after a geriatric psych admission than from home. I realize this would take some work but it's a thought. Good luck.

treese

Hello all,

I am new to this board.  I have read it before but now feel the need to post something.

I live in the upper Midwest, five hours away from my mother and my father.  My father is 88 and my mother is 87.  My mother is now is a good assisted living facility.  She has vascular dementia and a weak heart.  My father has progressive dementia and was the less capable one cognitively until my mother had a heart attack last December.  Following that, her mind has declined sharply.  My father lives at home but I am not sure how much longer that can last.  His short term memory is getting worse.  My husband and I have taken over some bill payment, but have to do it delicately as he is defiant about money.

My parents purchased extended health care insurance (six months of facility care) that is in place for my mother and could be in place for my father when he moves in.  We got a 2 bedroom apartment for them.  It could finance them both until June of next year.  Then, we need to dig into assets.  

My father is in denial there is anything wrong with him.  I may need to explore guardianship at some point because I know he would make it hard for us to sell the house.

I am 55, have work that I love, but am wondering if I will need to take early retirement next year to take care of myself as much as provide long distance assistance to my parents. I make monthly visits to them.  My brother lives in California, is unemployed and lives in a house my parents bought for him.  I am bitter, but I know that bitterness gets me nowhere.  I have asked him to call my parents regularly and remind my father of his medications.  My brother is healing from a foot injury but needs to help me with all of the responsibility.  Sometimes it is more work to get him to help than is worth it.

I have health care and financial POA set up.

My question is how have long distance caregivers managed with two parents with dementia?  I do not think my mother has much time left, and my father's has numerous health issues as well, and takes his meds sporadically.  He is a very difficult character.  One good thing is he visits my mother at the facility regularly and likes it there.

Thank you for this opportunity to share.  I feel as though life has happened to me in a big way and that I need to make changes to my world to adapt.  I would not move, but I would free my time up to take better care of myself.  Fortunately, though by no means rich, my husband and I are comfortable.

Very best to you all as you confront this unspeakably hard time.  I hope you find daily joys too.

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treese

Hello,

Thanks very much for your observations and advice Victoria 2020.

Yes, the POAs were drawn up by an excellent attorney and are durable.  They have helped us out several times.  My husband and I are meeting with him in person next month on our monthly visit to my parents.

Unfortunately, the house in California my parents purchased for my brother may be a big barrier to paying down to Medicaid.  The names of my parents are on the deed.  But the attorney will know more about that.

You have inspired me to get back in touch with the geriatric care manager I used to ensure my mother's successful placement.  It was pricey, but she was very helpful.  

My father's doctor is okay with my father on local roads for now.  That is all my father drives but YES a concern.

I have enlisted my brother to do med reminders for Dad as I am maxed out.

I am thinking about retiring next year to take care of myself because the stress has been unbearable at times.  But my employer does offer a leave of absence and my boss has encouraged me to take one.  

My big takeaway from your good advice is to get back in touch with the geriatric care manager and keep talking with the lawyer.  

Thanks again.

Very best.

Joanne70

Hi there. I am a british woman living in Germany and my mum lives in Auckland, New Zealand. I last managed to fly out to see her in November 2019, and the day before I flew out my brother (also in Auckland) told me that she was in hospital. Once there mum got the diagnosis vascular dementia and it was like she had fallen off a cliff mentally and cognitively. After I  flew back home she had a lot of support and is currently doing ok in her unit in the retirement village and I got the impression that she was still quite independent. However I can only phone her once a week at the weekend, when I don't have to get up early for work (10-12 hours time difference) and feel that she's slipping away mentally - have had various input from my brother and carers that would confirm this and judging by the stages I read, she's already started on stage 5. It's just so hard being so far away and covid hasn't made it any easier.  Likewise I know that I can't really do anything (my brother has poa) and the helplessness is sometimes awful. No idea when New Zealand will open up the borders and I'm still waiting for a vaccination for covid. I guess I'm just scared that I'll never see mum again. Thanks for letting me share. ❤

treese

Many thoughts for you Joanne70.  I hope that you can connect with your mother more and more and make the trip to New Zealand when feasible. 

Long distance is HARD.  When you have work that you value and it is too early to retire, it is even harder. I am glad your mother has carers and that your brother is involved.

You sound live a very loving daughter.