Spouse is in memory care relationship - do I visit?!

Nowhere

My dh has moved to a new memory care facility. Six weeks (and three window breaks) later he is in a new “relationship and reportedly more “calm”. This time the woman’s family is okay with their mom being involved. She is independent with her ADLs as is he. She can also communicate language well. He is severely cognitively impaired. I believe she moved to his facility from assisted living.   

The facility just opened to allowing visits. My dh writes that he is confused that “it’s rumored he’s kissed someone” or “he’s sorry he’s not home after the games, but he doesn’t want me to worry”. He previously was desperate to be with me and pleaded for me to come home. He’s so very confused about where he is and why as he doesn’t recognize his dementia. I want peace for him there and am unsure of how visiting would affect him. I know he is lonely and I accept his basic human need for love snd belonging. 

Are any other spouses in a similar boat with their loved ones? How do you or will you work out visits? I’m wondering if I should go see him or if it would make it even harder on him to deal with his emotions surrounding me and his new girlfriend. I’ve been told this is rather normal occurrence in memory care homes, but I’ve not read about it on these boards. I am familiar with Sandra Day O’Conner’s (Supreme Court Justice) experience. 

ElaineD

In the movie, Away from Her, the wife with AD develops a relationship when she is in memory care.  The two spouses meet and talk about this.

 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0491747/

Here is a blog on the topic..

https://rachaelwonderlin.com/2019/01/23/newboyfriend/

Elaine

 

Nowhere

Elaine,

Thank you. The blog was reassuring to read. The two controllable issues listed are a thumbs up. His relationship has been deemed consensual by staff and I’m okay with it. Well, I’m in counseling and I’ll be okay. I worry about him, as he’s all over the place emotionally. He is lonely and likes her and yet we love each other after 47 years of marriage. One thought replaces his next and with it his emotions are oft overwhelming to him. In recent years he becomes tearful over both beauty and hardships. Songs, commercials, social media- anything touching moves him greatly. I watched the movie “Away From Me “ a couple months ago when at his first facility he became involved with someone he thought was me. That ended poorly when the daughter objected that he was a married man. 

ladyzetta

The same thing happened to me. My DH was in MC and he loved all the attention he was getting from all the lady residents. This was a small facility and the women outnumbered the men. My DH was 1 of 5 men along with 20 women. And 3 of those men never left their rooms. My DH loved to hold hand and the ladies would sit on both sides of him to be able to hold hands. I would come in to visit and at times I would sit in the chair in the TV room because there was no room on the couch. I was so happy to see that he was content. It never was a issue,  it did not bother him that I was there so that told me he saw nothing wrong with this. 

The caregivers were real good about keeping track of each person and not allowing them to venture into other rooms.  My DH had a hard time using his walker so there was always a lady there to help him. I even saw one of the ladies helping him with his lunch. 

This made me very comfortable knowing he was getting all this attention and I know he loved every minuet of it.  Yes I did go visit because I was comfortable with what I saw. Hope this helps you. Hugs Zetta 

Jo C.

This is a common occurrence; even Sandra Day Oconner, Supreme Court Justice had such a dynamic with her husband.

In my estimation, it is fine to visit and frankly, I would not bring up the subject of, "the other woman."  If she is present, I would greet her kindly as well as my husband treating both as if friends.

Pretty much, I would be the loving friend visiting my husband and even his new lady friend. Passed all such judgment in such a situation and feeling peace that he would have this connection and closeness; not to be so alone 24/7.

You are still his beloved wife though he may not be able to keep that as it used to be; you are now the one who has given so much and now can give him this peace too. 

Should he himself (not you) bring up the topic, a sweet smile and saying that it is "Okay; we ae loving friends and it is good you are happy."  Then refocus.

I am sorry for the hurt this may possibly endender, it is a disease of so many convolutions.

You are a very kind and caring wife.  Let us know how you are and how all is going.

J.

M1

Nowhere I wish you well no matter how you decide to handle it-I suspect you'll just have to try it to see how he reacts to your presence. My heart goes out to you though, you'll have to keep your own emotions in check. That's a very selfless act of love for sure.

Nowhere

Jo, Lady Z, and M1,

We’re on the same wave length. I’m grateful for every ounce of peace and comfort that he experiences. My simple vague, yet loving, response to his emails sends him in all directions emotionally depending on what’s going on in his mind. It seems cruel to ignore 95% of his emails, but he doesn’t remember he’s even written them. I need to be brave and just visit when I can finally enter his facility. It seems plastic will separate residents from family in an outer office. I’ll wait until I can be in his space without plastic as he couldn’t understand any Covid restrictions in previous facility and was frustrated by them. I’m seeing a psychologist for the first time since his disease presented 13+years ago. It’s time for me to start doing things other than be totally consumed by what’s going on with him. He isn’t going to be okay in the long run at all. I will learn how.  

French

Nowhere, I am impressed how quickly your husband found a new relationship. 

I don’t know how I would react if it would happen to me. But now I think I would be glad for him. Because he certainly needs it. If the other family doesn’t react as the previous one, it will be easier for everybody and they will perhaps better enjoy their life in the memory care facility.

I am also impressed by how he is able to send messages. My partner hasn’t been able for more than one year. I imagine how it can distress you. 

Going and see him when you can, yes, certainly, but when you will be sure to be able to do it.  Perhaps weighing the pros ( you will feel better after having done it  and you could be ashamed of yourself until you have the courage to go) and the cons ( not sure to react correctly, be more sad after...) from your point of view can help you to make a decision.

lhfry

My husband has been in memory care for several months.  Visiting is allowed once a week for 30 minutes.  Appointments are required.  I discovered that I could take him out and I have been doing  that -  a ride to get an ice cream on Sunday afternoons.  Seemed ok but this weekend his carer and the nurse in charge told me that he is agitated and difficult to manage for a couple of days after these outings.

I guess that the break in routine is the problem but there is no way to know.  He is in late stage 6 and there is no real communication.  I don’t want to create problems so I probably won’t do it any more, but that is really devastating for me.  Has anyone else dealt with this?  Could it be that he will be less disturbed as time goes on and he gets used to being out?  He does still appear to know me.    He doesn’t become agitated after I visit him at the residence.

I had hoped that visiting would open up this month since I believe most if not all are vaccinated, but that is not happening.

Stuck in the middle

There comes a time when one would prefer to stay home.  My FIL (in his late 70s and fully in possession of his faculties) used to say he would go with us wherever we wanted so long as he could sleep in his own bed every night.  He enjoyed travel when he was younger, but no more.  In your place, I would visit him in his home and find someone else to go out for ice cream with.

BogJ

To visit or not was  a question I had to ask myself. The bottom line is to ensure that my spouse is as comfortable as possible and that my visits do not upset her.

I found the best bet was to take a caregiver staffing the unit to one side and ask straight out: "How does my wife react when I leave? 

In our case I was told that my wife understands I visit but is now after a month becoming ingrained in the units day to day activities . Within minutes of my leaving she wanders over to some activity with other residents or (she is a "Walker Talker") asks staff members if she can help to set up the next meal. She believes she works there!

So I can visit and we can can walk around and look at old pictures, check her room is tidy and check she has toiletries, books etc. but know that when I leave she is not pining.

I would suggest you have a word with the staff and ask their opinion.

Stuck in the middle

Food for thought:

My wife loved both of her parents, both of her sisters, and both of her sons.  If she has to live apart from me at some future time, and loves another man, how does that mean she doesn't still love me?