How do you manage not to lock yourself in the same silence as your Alzheimer spouse ?

French

 My partner talks less and less and when he says something, the information is very limited. Moreover, he has nothing to say when I ask questions. When he goes to the adult daycare, he doesn't know what he did there, when his family calls him, he can't tell me what the news is... When I talk to him, I can see that he doesn't understand everything and/or that it doesn't interest him. 

We share less and less. 

The worst thing is that I realize that I am settling into the same silence when I am rather talkative. I got a nice promotion, I know it since Monday and I didn't even tell him. I work 10 hours a day and my only communication with him is to help him shower, get dressed, take his medication, ask him if he's going to eat again, check that he has what he needs when the transport to the day care center arrives...

Do you have a solution, how do you do it, you force yourself to talk as if nothing had happened ?.

Rescue mom

French, this sounds so much like my DH and me. He cannot talk about any of those things you mentioned that are part of daily life; we listen to news and he either doesn’t understand what’s said, or immediately forgets, but he can’t talk about it. If I do, i might get a “huh” or a nod or a shrug—which I guess is a response, but not conversation.

 I have had some major health issues, I knew  there was no point in telling him. News that I was unexpectedly hospitalized got the same “huh” given everything else from daily mail arrival to somebody dying. and 2 minutes later he’d forgotten.

So many caregivers say this loneliness and lack of conversation is maybe the hardest part of caregiving; some will say be grateful it’s not worse (which is still not as bad as “just remember what you used to do.”).

Friends and family can help fill that gap, and thankfully we have plenty of neighbors who are often outside and up for a quick chat. But the daily give-and-take with a spouse is just gone. Sorry I don’t have any solutions, but tons of sympathy.  I said on another thread I sometimes worry about becoming that crazy old lady who gloms onto strangers just to have somebody to talk to. Therapy helps too; at least a therapist can’t run away if you need to talk about caregiving issues. And we can always vent here.

Crushed

DW is in Memory care. So I live alone. I talk to myself a lot.  But  for safety  in Covid times I use zoom

 

Beachfan

French,

I am sorry you are at this point with your DH; I have been in this same situation for about 2 years now.  There is no reciprocal conversation in our home; if I’m lucky I may get one meaningful response out of 20 questions or comments throughout the day.  He is content to sit quietly with music playing during the morning hours.  His sundowning consists of wandering around our home, talking to himself, the plants, the TV,  the door, etc.  Much of his chatter sounds like a pep talk from his coaching days or long strings of unintelligible gibberish.  I am ashamed to admit that at this point, I avoid trying to engage him because if I do, the result annoys me.  

Luckily, our kids and grandkids live close by and I am able to get out of the house for short periods of time for some adult interaction.  It’s a sad state of affairs, but a situation to which I have become accustomed. Thankfully, he has never been verbally abusive or argumentative; for this I am grateful.  It’s just a sad, quiet place when we’re together.  I understand and empathize with you.  

60 falcon

French, your post strikes home with me.  I don't have advice.

Marie58

French, I feel your pain. My DH hasn't spoken a word for about 9 months, and for a few months before that it was only 'yes' and 'no'. It's so sad and so quiet. We used to talk practically nonstop back in the day. For a while I could get him to laugh and I loved to hear him laugh. Now I can get a smile, but not even a chuckle anymore. I find myself just talking about whatever we're doing, much like Army_Vet said. And I also worry I'm that crazy lady talking to strangers as Rescue mom said.

Sorry this is so hard for all of us.

David J

French, I have always been the quiet one on our relationship. In social situations, I relied on DW to manage our social life and keep the conversations going. Now, she barely speaks, and it is always about her needs, wants, or fears. With the social isolation brought on by dementia plus the social isolation from Covid, I found myself talking only to the dog. 

You are lucky to have work and the human interaction that brings. I know working while caring for your DH must be hard. I worked for 10 years after DW retired on disability. I only retired when it became necessary. 

I think it takes effort to reach out and be social, particularly now. I have established new friendships and revived older ones to meet my social needs. Poor DW is unable to provide this for me, but I can see that she needs interaction with me. It is pretty much non-verbal and consists mainly of being physically close to me and touching often. 

Dave

gonegirl40

Hi French-

    I can totally relate to this and it is for sure one of the most difficult things I am facing with this dementia road. My DH was the social one and the foundation of our relationship was based on our quick wit and sense of humor. There was just endless laughter and light-heartedness in our home. Of course, that was one of the first things to go as he lost his ability to understand sarcasm and innuendo and I went through a great period of depression there for awhile around it. It actually caused a lot of problems in the beginning because when we were around healthy minded friends I would light up and be happy to share quick exchanges of words and my DH was starting to not be able to keep up and he was convinced I was cheating on him or leaving him behind in some way. Now that things have progressed, even if he were to have those paranoid ideals or a flash of anger, his mind simply can't retain it and if I redirect him quickly, it will all be forgotten momentarily, quite sad really. I do see myself getting more reserved and quieter as well. I often wonder if I am losing my sense of humor as well. However, I recently had to stay with daughter and son in law to help with their new baby and it was like a light switch flipped on and their home was vibrant and full of life and humor and it was just such a breath of fresh air and gave me such hope. I know that sounds terrible and I have felt terribly guilty but it has put things in perspective for me that life goes on and I am going to continue to move forward with whatever the Universe has given us and do the best I can and know that I am not the one in control. Hang in there...we are all doing the best we can. You are still you and this too shall pass.

Thanks,

gonegirl

French

Thank you all.

I think I won’t talk to myself. I tried to continue to talk to him. Sometimes he understands but the answer are very limited. 

Yes gone girl, I feel like you when I meet friends or go in my family : it’s pleasant to have people to chat with. He is here, seems to listen, sometimes reacts, but unable to argue or intervene in the discussion. He doesn’t complain and seems to be happy to see people. Hopefully has he is very easy, he never reproached me to have fun discussing with other, nor thought we were cheating on him.

And David, yes, I still work, but even there, interactions are limited. I had some classes this month, the fist ones in real classrooms with real students, for one year. Very pleasant even if I had to review my organization at home. I also go one days per week to my office. There is few people there. So, it’s still not real life, work is whole days with zoom calls.  And I think it will be very difficult to return to a real life with full week at the office and all the moves I did and liked. Even if I began to hire another caregiver for my office day, I really don’t feel able to manage everything when I will have to be outside the whole week... but how I desire to return to this normal life... without alzheimer and without covid

Buddymine

My dh is in memory care too.  I try to facetime with him twice a week but not sure he recognizes me and says almost nothing.  Hi and Bye and be careful.  I'm in Florida and he's in Michigan near our home.  I fly home 3/30 and then hope to visit in person.  I'm trying not to have any expectations of him responding.  This is so painful - so opposite of his old self.  He became combative and aggressive this week so they're having a psych eval next week and may do med change.  I'm so powerless to change his journey.

lqadams

The silence is overwhelming.  No real conversation in a couple years and only short relies if I ask my husband something. When I get depressed or upset about it, I tell myself "I live alone, get use to it". It is very difficult to live with someone but, at the same time, be alone. I keep hoping that one evening, after we have eaten, he would just tell me "dinner was good" or "that recipe is a keeper". That he would just SAY SOMETHING.

Valentinegirl60

Yes, the silence is overwhelming.  My DH sometimes responds to my simple questions with a yes or no.  But it's so lonely. I hunger for adult conversation. If I try talking to myself, he becomes paranoid so that's no longer an option.  Talking to family and friends on the phone, he insists on listening.  And that's so hard when you want to chat about how he's doing and how this disease has turned our lives upside down. When he does talk, it's becoming hard to understand.  In my chatting with him just to hear myself talk and say something that upsets him, he shuts down and stares right through me as if I don't exist. My heart goes out to everyone.