Guilt(16)

kmmiller2000

Hi folks, I'm new here.  My mom has vascular dementia and mobility issues, both of which progressed so much last year that in December, I moved her into Memory Care.   I feel guilty about so many things.  She needs a level of care I simply can't give her.  She doesn't understand and wants to go home.  Phone calls are always with delusion, sadness, anger, paranoia or any combo of these.  I am learning to go with the flow of whatever reality she is in when we talk.  THAT was a huge lesson I had to learn, recognizing that "correcting" her did no good and served no purpose.  But, my heart hurts every time I talk to her because while she is and always will be my mom, she is becoming less of the woman I've known all my life.  We have just been allowed to start outside visits, so after two months, I've gotten to see her.  But, it's much like phone calls.  I fear I only agitate her, being a reminder of the "outside" where she wants to be.  I try to redirect her conversations, her thoughts to positive things.  Doesn't last long though.  I feel guilty thinking that maybe I shouldn't call her or see her as often as I think I should...for fear of upsetting her and frankly--fear of my heart breaking every single time.  Oh this sucks!!!  All I want is for my mom to be content, at peace in whatever reality she is living in.  Does anyone else go through this?

LaurenB

I went through some of this with my dad when he was in a nursing home.  It's hard to see your loved one like this.  I tried to avoid the topic with him and just kept changing the subject.  I also had to view him as a person with a cognitive impairment and not the man that I had previously known.  I did know that he enjoyed our brief conversations and for a moment he was content.

Quilting brings calm

It’s just the way of it.  As they lose more of themselves, they resemble our parents less and less.  It’s natural to begin to separate.  It’s also natural to feel guilty for not taking care of  them 24/7. But we have to do what is best for them.  Not what makes us feel less guilty. 

KawKaw

My mother passed one year ago from vascular dementia, and guilt remains along with all the other emotions that are common with a parent ill with dementia.

I never felt she was able to experience good care.  I wasn't able to provide it and when I placed her, it was in a place that was adequate but not great.  Her income and what I had available did not afford great.

She suffered and I could only partially alleviate it.

The nature of the condition does not lend itself to contentment and ease.

I have had to accept that I did my very best.  Better than my best, since I dedicated all my energy toward her medical care and daily comfort.  There was very little left over for my own life.

It didn't help that she was the type of person to criticize me for not being perfect, so some of the noise in my head was past comments from her.  I had made huge progress in living a non-perfectionist life, but rubber banded during caring for her.

I grieve for her suffering and that her life story ended this way.

There were some moments of joy with her during her progression.  She forgot who I was, but always trusted me.  That was a gift.  

Sunshine days

Oh my goodness, you have described my situation and current struggles to a tee....it is absolutely heartwrenching. I vacillate between trying to reason with her and speak the truth and protect her dignity and just trying to distract, redirect and change the subject, and then I feel guilty for that. My mother did so well for so long and then the bottom just dropped out, multiple falls and sudden severe decline in cognitive ability. I moved her to a Memory Care facility ( a very nice one) last month. She is very confused and tearful and completely out of touch with reality as far as her abilities go. I have wondered the same if my calls and visits are more harmful than helpful at this point, but I know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't go and see her.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  I hate this disease so much.

sjplegacy

Being a widower who lost his wife to AD over 3 yrs ago, I've learned a lot. Unfortunately, it was after her death. But one thing I've learned is that there's no place for guilt in the heart of a dementia caregiver. As I read your post and some responses, I see there's a lot of guilt going on. There's true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is the emotion one feels for doing something wrong. If you knew your decisions were wrong, you wouldn't have made them. False guilt is always self imposed because of what the caregiver thinks they did or didn't do. It's being too hard on oneself. You feel guilty for calling your mom and agitating her. You feel guilty for not calling her. You feel guilty for placing her in MC. No one has a caregiver's manual that tells you what to do in every situation. You do what you think is right at that time. Once it's done, it's done. If you choose to live in the land of woulda/coulda/shoulda, you'll live a sad life. It's a choice. So instead of feeling guilty for your decisions, feel grateful for your life with your mom. Feel grateful that you found a MC facility that provides the safety, care and understanding of her disease better than you could. Feel grateful that you're now able to see her. When you do see her, reminisce. Bring family photos. Reminisce about her childhood, her favorite things, laugh with her.

“There is no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse”- Bill Waterson, Calvin and Hobbs