Breaking the News

Becksoderberg

Hi,

I am looking for advice on how I break the news to my mom, 73 and in the advanced moderate stages of AD, that is is time to move out of her home of 43 years and leave her loving companion dog of 7 years?  I would like to move my mom closer to where I live, and into a MCF.  I know that losing her dog will be devastating to her and I will take the dog so he can visit.  One place I called said they recommend she come for a 30day respite stay first and see how it goes.  I had never thought of doing that, is that a good idea?

I know everyone is different, but I don't even know how to begin to approach this.    Drop the bomb and go?  Trickery/lies?  Explain?  Try a visit?  The thought of the actual move or discussion is already haunting me!  Is there anyway this could happen with her on board?

Thank you for all the wonderful advice on here!

Becks

Cynbar

Don't expect to be able to discuss this rationally with her, she won't be able to process it or understand the risks of remaining at home.  You need to make the decision about what plan is best, and then arrange it. Don't tell her way in advance, wait as long as you can. Don't spend a lot of time on the details, the less said the better.  Most people use some excuse to get the person to the facility, then let the staff take over. It's common for a new resident to take some time adjusting, so don't be discouraged if this happens. A 30 day respite would give you some idea of how good the care is, but it may not be long enough to see her fully settle in.  The fact that you will take the dog and bring it to visit will help. But she is past the point that you two can make this decision together, so let go of that hope. You are in charge now and need to make a plan that will assure her safety and well being.

harshedbuzz

Hi Becks-

With my dad we never had the discussion around "you're going to live here from now on". 

We moved him with my mom,  from their places in MD and FL to an apartment nearer me while he was in rehab after a hospitalization. We explained the move as a strategy to get him near the best possible medical care. A couple years later when he went to a MCF, we explained it as a "doctor's visit" to see if we were doing all we could to get him steadier on his feet. The "doctor" prescribed rehab at this fancy rehab center with the private rooms (aka the MCF).

I your shoes, I might ask her to come for a visit with the excuse it's her turn to come to you and you've arranged, once you get there, for her to stay in this lovely senior apartment so she has a place of her own and privacy. You might arrive just ahead of lunch and claim you're going out to eat, then you excuse yourself and the staff will help her settle in.

It's so great you will have the dog for visits. That is huge.

The facility where dad went initially sold it to my mom as "respite" for a month; she needed care in order to attend her sister's funeral. I think the director sensed she wasn't ready to commit emotionally and let her sign up for 30 days. 

HB