Free at last - Update

DavidTX

Life really does go on. More than two years later. See comments at the very end. There were many comments when posted in 2019.

Posted: Monday, February 11, 2019 10:29 PM

Sue is finally FREE. She passed away peacefully during the night. Alzheimer’s might have won in the end but I choose to remember the beautiful, caring, and compassionate person she always has always been.

 I posted this several years ago and a final update: 

2012 - Only the lonely can understand the heartache of divorce or having a loving spouse afflicted with Alzheimer’s.  Like divorce, I feel the same emotions of not being able to accept the fact “why did she leave me and why doesn’t she love my anymore?”  She may be here physically but she is not the same person that I not only married 39 years ago but loved for all those many years.  She has lost her friendly smile, sense of humor, caring attitude and love of life.  Most of her memories are already gone.  I visit her daily at the Living Center and feel guilty as many memories are also beginning to fade.

This is definitely not what I expected of our “Golden Years”.  She took care of me and our daughter for oh so many years so I certainly didn’t mind being her Caregiver.  Luckily I was retired and able to cook, clean and care for her 24/7 for over 5 years after her diagnosis of having Alzheimer’s.  Not until I was unable to properly care for her did I make the bittersweet decision to move her into a Nursing Home.  That was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  War is hell.  I spent two years in Viet Nam but it was not as difficult as having to physically separate myself from the loved one with whom I had given my all.  She was never coming back.  She was staying there in that unfamiliar place, alone.  Since that day we will never be the same.

I miss her loving touch, her smile, just being in the same room and not saying anything.  Her mere presence made me complete.  Slowly, oh so slowly she left me and there was nothing either of us could do to prevent it.  She is slowly mentally reversing the aging process. Not that long ago she was no longer able to differentiate the days of the week, tell the time of day and is slowly losing her ability to communicate. She even wears a diaper, actually Depends.  It pains me deeply when I see her pick up a doll and play with it like a child.  I was alright for a while but now she’s gone, gone but never forgotten. I am unhappy not because she is out of sight but is out of mind.  I am content knowing that I made her smile, made her life complete and that makes my life worthwhile.  I realize that in her excellent physical condition that she could live many more years and easily outlive me.

I was content being a Caregiver.  I enjoyed taking care of her needs but now that she is in a Nursing Home I feel not-needed, empty and alone. There has to be more to life than this. Not only did I lose my life mate and my true love, but most important I lost my best friend.  Friends minister to each other, nurse each other, worry about each other, and stand always ready to help.  Perfect friendship is rarely achieved but that we did.

The Definition of Love – “A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance”.  Love requires two loving and caring people. Unfortunately that is no longer possible.  It is difficult to comprehend how hard it is to cope with her blank stares, knowing that there isn’t any recognition of whom she is staring at. 

2013 - Two years have now passed since arriving at the Secure Care Facility.  She is now unable to speak or even recognize me, family or friends.  She is still able to walk but requires assistance to eat.  She is considered to be in stage 7 of A.D. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2005 and I was able to keep her at home until 2011.

2015 – She in now non ambulatory and unable to walk, stand or even move her hands or feet.

Seldom addressed are the needs of the Caregiver, especially after the Alzheimer’s patient is within the confines of a nursing home.  I will do anything possible for her and plan to continue to see her daily as long as we both live but cannot say for sure that I honestly love her in the true meaning of the word.  Does this make me a bad person or a realist?  I was gratified traveling through life with someone I cared for and who cared for me, it made our lives complete.  It is difficult to continue without the shared affection and compassion of a caring individual.  The friendship of friends and relatives just isn’t the same.  I have learned to deal with the stress but it is difficult to cope with the loneliness. I can still remember when I visited my wife daily. Don’t do that anymore but I do visit an old friend (Her) every day. Well I have missed seeing/visiting her only 7 days in eight years.

It is now 2019 and she has left the building, to return nevermore. I pray for those of you that may have a similar future in store for you. Good luck and God bless!

It is now 2021.YES, it is now two years later and a LOT of water has passed under the bridge. Both good and bad.

Within two weeks of Sue's passing i was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Yes, these are our "Golden Years". While she was in the nursing home i started a monthly Nursing Home Family Council and was very active in the Alzheimer's Support group. Through the group I met someone that also had a spouse with Alzheimer's. He passed and I didn't see her for over two years until a unexpected meeting. We went to lunch monthly until my wife's passing. She previously had cancer also and became my Guardian Angel, significant other and the love of my life. Without her I certainly wouldn't be here today.

You have no idea what a positive attitude, faith and demanding an unparalleled quality of life can do for you. I have endured Chemotherapy, radiation, immunotherapy and surgery. I even lost my voice and Doctors said it wouldn't return, they were wrong about that too, luckily.

We went on a wonderful 7 day cruise with my daughter and husband. Total less than having a great quality of life was probably 6 months. I still walk about 2 miles daily over 50% of the time. I feel great and without any pain. We have also beat covid19 with flying colors with only minor side effects. Again having some issues so started Chemo again. We'll see how that works but with my attitude and faith we expect good results.

Don't ever give up. There is light at the end of the tunnel if only you look for it. You do need someone special to help you. If that person is not there now then find that person. He/She needs you as much as you need them.

Stay safe, think positive and God Bless

David

mommyandme (m&m)

David, thank you for sharing! So wonderful you have found happiness again.

M1

Thank you David--and love the yellow car (?Chevy?).  Nice to hear from "the other side."  Good luck with the new round of chemo and glad your life changed for the better.

TessC

David, I think we joined the forum about the same time and I remember well your posts about your wife Sue. I felt Sue was getting the best care possible with your help and attention.  I grieved with you when she passed. I know I must have wished you well and I'm glad to see that  although life has taken you down some rocky roads, you continued to put one foot in front of the other and even stopped and smelled the flowers along the way! Take care and I hope you continue to have a good life.

abc123

Thank you David. I will share your post with my Dad.

Thank you so much for this.