cleaning out a life

LCW1996

Need some encouragement--I know that so many of you have gone through this. I am now in the process of cleaning out my parents house to prepare to sell it. Have been putting this off for two years, but cannot avoid it any longer. My mom had a house full of collectibles, glassware--you name it. She knew exactly who gave it to her and when. After she passed, the house remained pretty much a museum to her, since my dad never liked change before dementia and certainly didn't want it now. While the logical brain side of me knows that this is the right thing to do, the sentimental side is saying, "That's your grandparent's bedroom suite! Your mom loved that dish!" I have had a steady stream of close friends and family come through to choose remembrances that they wanted, but of course, few people are now into some of these things that she loved so much.

My house is crammed, I can't take another thing. So, my fellow travelers--how did you deal with this? it's all on me, I'm getting help from no one in clearing out this life. 

As always, thanks for being there and listening.

[Deleted User]

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LadyTexan

Victoria provided excellent actionable advice.

We live in an area that has very robust estate sales services. The services vary by company, but the most respected do it all. They id the hidden gems and price accordingly. They have a multi day sale. Whatever is not sold is donated to thrift or resale stores that support local charities. After the sale they sweep out the house and voila, it is done.

In my short life of 56 years I accumulated so many things. Then I started reading about minimalism. It has helped me to purge many of my possessions. 

• I believe that I can have a memory without the thing it is attached to. 
• I also believe that there may be someone in the community that may need or desire something that is no longer loved or appreciated by me. 

Those beliefs make it easier to detach. Those beliefs make it easier to pass on. 

It has allowed me to simplify our living space which makes caring for my husband with Alzheimer's much easier and safer.

God bless you as you take on this difficult task. It is a labor of love. I am confident that you will handle it successfully.

harshedbuzz

Ugh. 

I've done this. It's a lot of work and can trigger all kinds of amusement and sadness. We cleaned out my dear Aunt's compound when she went to MC. My mom, aunt and one of my cousins spent a couple of weeks sorting through papers and stuff ahead of the sale of her home. 

My aunt retired to her summer house(s) in the early 1980s. I helped her pack to move. A child of the depression, she was rarely willing to part with anything that might one day be of use even if she had multiples of such an item. When she moved, I suggested perhaps donating some things and was snapped at. That said, she did gift me several vintage clothing pieces that I wore from time to time. 

Fast forward to 2010 and I found myself at the compound- main house, 2 cottages, a workshop, boathouse, shed and 4 bay garage with a loft all brimming with stuff. 

Some things we did-

1. My uncle was a serious collector of clocks and guns. He left the name of someone he trusted in the event my aunt wanted to sell off some pieces for income. My aunt arranged for him to arrange an auction of the collections taking a percentage. 

2. After we sifted through everything and were fairly sure we found all of the cash, jewelry, family heirlooms and guns, my aunt hired a professional who cleans out houses as a side hustle. He arrived with a crew and 3 trucks- one was bound for auction, one for donation and a third for the town dump. I don't believe we paid for this service and my aunt had enough desirable collectibles that she got a small cut of the auction.

3. You might want to check the value of some of the collectibles on ebay to see what they're going for. Value can be all over the place. I know my husband has a 1st edition math text that routinely sells for around $1K, my aunt's bridal shower cookbook fetches around $50 in good condition. Things like Hummels are all over the place- some are still very sought after and others are not. FYI- some MCM furniture commands very high prices. When we sold my mom's FL house "turn-key" I wish I'd removed the little set of nesting tables she got at a yard sale- they were worth about $750.

4. I would advise bringing someone with you to help. We did it as a family and it made all the difference. We could talk about our memories with each other and laugh about some of the craziness like when I found $1K in crisp hundreds at the bottom of a basket of dirty socks or when my cousin took out a book to sift through (money was hidden everywhere- it was like an Easter egg hunt) and a small revolver dropped onto her foot. The title of the book? "Best Practices in Secondary Education". We put in 8-10 hours each day, the returned to the local inn to clean up before grabbing a nice dinner which made it bearable.

HB

PS Remember the boxes I packed for the move in the 80's? I found them on the second floor of one of the cottages still unopened with my handwriting on the sides. My mother got all excited as they contained crocks from a local pottery she wanted. She insisted I repack them and mail them to her house in FL. When dad developed dementia, I flew to FL to get their personal items out of the house ahead of settlement. There I found the crocks still in the boxes from back in the day. Again. I packed them into the PODS and shipped them back to PA. These things have traveled from ME to PA, to ME again, to FL and are back with me in PA. I keep one as a reminder not to leave too much stuff behind for my own kid.

MN Chickadee

I was executor for my aunt's estate with a similar sounding house. I got out what I/other family wanted and then hired an estate sale company. They took 35% of the profits but it was so worth it to have it done, and they also knew the value of things, so the valuable stuff brought in what it should and they priced the rest was priced to move. I had a dumpster there (there was quite a lot of junk as well)  and they threw away that which they knew was junk and got the sale set up. After the sale there was still a lot left because the volume of stuff was just so much to begin with, so I had a free day. I watched for a weekend with nice weather and put everything out in the yard, posted on neighborhood sites and craigslist, and a few signs on the busy road nearby, and people came from far and wide and took stuff. They took stuff I didn't dream would go. I didn't have to stand there and be present because it was all free. Then I had very little to haul away. I had a lot of guilt and emotion during the process, since my grandparents lived in this house before my aunt and it was literally two lifetimes worth of belongings. It's hard but you get through it. A wise person told me at the time to just take the things that bring you joy and good memories, and send the rest out into the world to make joy and memories for others. Consider the belongings going on another journey in the circle of life just as the person. Good luck and take care.

EJ97

Oh gosh I am dealing with this now. My mom is still living but I want to get as much done now.  She has been out of her house for four years and so the house has been empty. My parents raised us in that house.  Sixty years of memories and a lot of stuff.  I have three categories: keep, donate, trash. The 'keep' stuff will be for any family member that will likely want it. For the first couple of hours of sorting I am okay - they are just things - then some small thing will trigger a wave of memories. The second day I worked on this, I moved to another room or cabinet if it felt too hard. I have to do that for my own sanity. And, like you, I am getting no help - and I have four siblings! I am putting the house on the market this summer so that is a motivator. I guess we just have to plow through knowing it won't be easy. A friend of mine has not cleaned out her parents house and they have been gone for 15 years! Once this is done, I can move on and know I did an amazingly hard thing. It's like being thrown in the deep end of the pool. You learn to swim and come out stronger.

MPSunshine

Hi, LCW, It's been so long since I went through this -- four years-- yet the memories linger. My mom helped us divvy up all the stuff in the house, bless her heart because she was ruthlessly unsentimental about things -- this one goes to your brother, this one goes to the other brother, this one goes to you -- she was adamant about these things. She was happy to sleep in her bed by the window. She was happy the neighbors came by to say good bye and fare thee well. She was the queen of the proceedings. We filled a dumpster to the top with things that were either too rotted or otherwise unsalvageable. We gave away hundreds of dollars of clothing, cookware, and appliances to donation places that were so grateful for the donations. We shredded hundreds of boxes of papers. We smashed dozens of hard drives and computers prior to taking them to recycling places. We wore out boxes of masks and gloves trying to keep dust and mold out of our lungs and sweeping dust that had not been touched in years. It was two weeks from sun up until midnight until everything was in shape to either ship to my brother or ship to where my mom was relocating with us, to a storage shed at first, so we could sort things. It's a big process. 

I think you can do it. Others have. I haven't read through the other testimonials but I know it has happened. 

I like the idea of photographs. I took loads of photos when I was in doubt of whether to dispose or donate something. 

Sometimes there just wasn't time for that and the things will just have to stay in my memory.

But we got the house empty, broom clean, ready for sale, and mom safely with us. She was the reason we were doing what we did, and she was safe and sound. So, mission accomplished.

GothicGremlin

Somehow I keep ending up with everyone's stuff.  I'm like a stuff magnet, and I've been in your place, LCW1996.

It wasn't all that difficult to distribute my parent's belongings - mostly we divided it between me and my siblings.  What was difficult was what do to with all of the boxes of stuff that they had that belonged to my grandparents and great-grand parents when we got ready to sell the house.  The way I resolved that was to set up a couple of the bedrooms as little pop-up stores - except everything was free.  We had a big dinner and invited all of the extended family. At the end of the get-together everyone went through our little pop-up stores and took what they wanted.  By the end, we had a much smaller, more manageable pile of things, which we gave away.  I had already gone through all the papers, shredding what needed to be shredded.  Boxes of tax docs since the early '60? Check. Three filing cabinets chock full of files? Check. And the kicker?  My dad was a teacher, so he still had binders of grades for his students. That all got shredded pronto.

I was feeling pretty good about finding homes for everything.  Then my sister got diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's.  Now I have her stuff and the cycle begins again.  When the time comes, I'll be doing another pop-up store and give the rest away.

Klgm326

I had to do this when I moved mama into AL. As an only child of a hoarder, it was overwhelming. I also hired an Estate Sale agency. Rather than paying $10000 to 1-800–got-junk, I made $4000 and it was done for me! I never went back in that house! I was too tired to be sentimental... I’m hopeful it went to good homes

Wilted Daughter

This is what I'll be going through within the next year or so and have been pecking away at for almost 2 years without making a dent. 

I like the suggestion to take photos and separate the 'keeps' from the 'discard'. To minimize anxiety: 

Option 1: Can you place all the items you will not keep in a separate place while leaving furniture/heavy items in place for now? Or place keepables in separate place (i.e. POD)?

Option 2: Label/tag items to discard and get a dumpster, hire someone to clear out. 

Option 3: Hire someone to come clear out from your designated space and put as much as you can out for pickup (things that are broken, not useable, etc.). 

I haven't use the labelling method, instead I tackled a room at a time and have bagged and brought items to the curb for pickup on trash day (this is labor intensive). As my patience, strength wears thin, I put clothes (room by room) in bags and take out to the curb weekly. I will save heavy furniture for last and plan to have someone remove all at once (day job).

This is soooo difficult when you are the only one addressing it. Getting a local company to help with the initial clearing out will provide insight on how to handle the remaining spaces (cost comparisons, manual labor, etc.) Look in local newspapers and ask for quotes or ask family and friends to help from time to time (throw a pizza party, beverages, give-a-ways from the discard pile). There are so many ways to handle this but all can be stressful if not properly planned. 

Best wishes, keep us posted on what worked for you. 

Wilted Daughter

MN Chickadee,

I heard of companies (auctioneers/house clean out services) that come in for a fee.  Actually this is a good option, which I had forgotten if you're unable to do-it-yourself. I feel sick when I throw out things that I believe have value but don't have the energy to find it a good home (it's not always about the money). 

Most of us have heard, "one man's trash is another man's treasure." but sometimes we must realize that what you hold near and dear is not as valuable to someone else as you may think. 

There are YouTube videos and reality shows about this industry. Thanks for reminding me. 

chrisp1653

LCW, I am nearly done with this part of life after Barbara, and what I used was this.

This world is full of people who love things, but have no way to acquire them. In fact, this was how Barbara got much of her wardrobe when she was working. She would comb the thrift stores to find clothing that was priced within her budget. When she retired, and before she developed dementia, and then Parkinson's, I would tell her it was time to let someone else have the same enjoyment of a closet full of clothing without having to spend money that was needed for other things.

Now that she has passed, I am using the same logic. For me, what better memory can I get than knowing that her treasures, which meant so much to her, can bring real pleasure to another person ?

mariawotters

I've done this