Being sandwiched between dementia and needy (adult) child

Ginsamae

I'm wondering if there's any advice out there for DH and I in the situation we now find ourselves about to be in. MIL will be returning next month from an extended visit with Sib #3; MIL is somewhere in the Stage 4-5 area...probably closer to 5 than 4 at this point. I'm not sure how much MIL has declined in the last few months as Sib #3 hasn't been very communicative except to say that MIL needed a refill on her anxiety meds.

Last month our youngest boomeranged back and is now living in our basement with fiance' and a child on the way. They will probably be living with us for at least the next year as they get on their feet and find their way in adulthood (they are both fairly new at the 'adulting' thing and need a lot of support with how to do adult things - taxes, insurance, car, etc). We want them to stay with us so that we can advise and assist with these things...not to mention help with the grandbaby when he/she arrives!   We are very looking forward to being grandparents!!

Once MIL arrives then DH and I will not only have to help the new adults navigate life but will need to also help MIL navigate life to the best of her ability while keeping all of them calm and as anxiety free as possible. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about all the neediness!

Any words of advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

M1

Hi Ginsamae, if I remember in previous posts, you were considering needing to find memory care for your mother in law.  With the new arrivals in your household, if you ever wanted a reason to say you can't take her back, you've got it in spades now.  Is this something that is up for family discussion?  I don't remember who has POA, it will be that person's decision to make.....

dayn2nite2

Is this the same child who had to leave home due to MIL’s abuse?  If so, there is no way I’d have my pregnant child being accused and abused again.  Time for you to say NO MORE.  Placement or to someone else.

Ginsamae

Hi M1 - no one has DPOA as MIL has always (even pre-dementia) refused to sign one. There really is no one who can make her go into a care facility unless there isn't anyone to take her, and even then she'd probably refuse and try to rent her own place. The only thing I could see would be getting the state involved but I'm not even sure how to do that at this point.

Dayn2nite2 - yes, this is that child. After said child moved out MIL turned her attentions to me and has accused me of all sorts of things (increasing her rent, telling her that if she eats dinner with us I'll charge her double, telling people I'm throwing her out of the house, etc). I think our youngest was the target of her abuse in the past because their bedrooms were beside one another and they shared a bathroom...now they'd be on separate floors and MIL rarely goes in the basement so I'm not sure youngest would be accused of anything. But who knows the mind of a dementia patient!  I've already told DH that MIL doesn't need to be here for a month before and at least 3 months after said youngest has given birth - I need to focus my attention on my daughter and supporting her rather than dealing with his mother. DH agrees with me on that one. Truth be told I really don't want MIL back but none of  DH's sibs is willing to take her on full-time so we've worked out this 'share the care' arrangement so MIL will "visit" some of the other siblings for a couple months at a time. It won't last long, but at least it's giving the others a chance to see what we've been dealing with.

star26

Is MIL really running the entire show or do the other people involved, besides you, like this care arrangement?  Does your DH want you to continue caring for his mother in your home? If not, you now have the perfect reason to tell the sibs that you can’t take MIL “right now” or “for up to a year”. After all, you did just care for MIL for a long stint. Once she’s in your house, then the problem of no DPOA and “what other options are there?” is more of your problem than anyone else’s. The sibs may be more inclined to put some work into that, if they haven’t already, or to defy mother’s wishes if they are shouldering more of the care. The sibs keeping MIL for a month or so while knowing that she is heading right back to your place or another sib afterwards is a lot different than having her for an indefinite amount of time or for the long haul that you did. Who knows, maybe one or more of the sibs is thinking that they’ll give an excuse in the future rather than ever taking her back again?  Taking her back again could be taking on the whole issue as your own. I think it would be a shame if you didn’t take the opportunity you have right now. 

Cynbar

Your primary duty now is to your daughter and soon-to-be grandchild. Hopefully, your DH agrees with this. I absolutely agree with the other posters, now is the time to make another plan for MIL, before she arrives back on your doorstep. It sounds as if you and your DH have been doing the majority of caregiving for her. Not sure why this has been the case, but it's time to tell the other siblings they have to make a plan amongst themselves. This new situation is the perfect catalyst for getting that done. Good luck, family dynamics can be a real nightmare to navigate.

Quilting brings calm

I wish I had some advice for you.  I wonder if you might suggest an assisted living place to your MIL as ‘an adult only apartment complex where she wouldn’t  be woken up by the new baby crying’.   Maybe if you approached it that way rather than ‘an assisted living facility  where people go when they can’t live alone’ ?  You could even throw out the word ‘temporary’ since your daughter and company won’t live there forever. Maybe that would keep her from moving into an unsuitable apartment.

In my own situation, I managed to get my parents to move to assisted living because they didn’t have a place to live when we moved them back in-state.  Mom was in the hospital for a week, rehab for a month and Dad was in a hotel.  They needed a place and ‘how about that- I found you a place!’. 

harshedbuzz

Ginsamae-

This sounds like a difficult situation all around aside from the prospect of a grandchild.

It is probably not the best plan for MIL to be traded among siblings as an unwelcome guest until that household burns out and hands her off. Since she's refused to sign a POA, guardianship may be necessary for placement in a calmer and more dementia-informed setting.

HB 

dayn2nite2

This is not going to be put the way you'd like it to hear but you've had opportunities to say NO to taking her back before and this is your golden opportunity here.

By having your pregnant daughter live in the basement and agreeing to take your MIL back, you are hoping their paths don't cross during waking hours.  So basically you're saying you're willing to have your daughter hiding in the basement waiting for MIL to be out of sight so she can come up and be part of the family so MIL isn't triggered into abusing her again?

That's what it looks like from here.  Your daughter is second again, like she was when she lived there before.  Only now she's carrying your unborn grandchild (who will almost CERTAINLY be a target after birth) and she is still playing second fiddle to MIL, who seems to dictate how everyone else lives.

Put your foot down now.  You won't have another opportunity.  Put your daughter first this time.  Having her stashed away in the basement waiting for MIL to sleep or be in her room isn't any way to live.  

Your MIL has had her life.  It's time for your daughter to have one.  They can't both live in the same house.  Tell his family you cannot have MIL back due to your daughter moving in and her pregnancy.  You don't need to explain further.  The end.  Period.  It's in their laps now.