Sandwich generation

LaurenB

This is a new term to me, but I guess that some of us fit the description.  We are in between the two pieces of sandwich bread (caring for our parents) and (caring for our children at home).  Is anyone else going through this?  Adding a pandemic is just making it more challenging.  Currently, I'd love to have my LO and their spouse come for a visit to see the kids, but I've noticed that the last few visits have provoked confusion from my LO.  Having us go for a visit means that 5 people are descending on their house and that has it's own consequences.  Gah.  I feel like a sandwich in a panini press.

Kath50

Yes, this is me! My mom is here along with my husband and three kids. It’s never a dull moment. I’m doing homeschool, thanks to covid, for my youngest two. We don’t get out of the house much, but I’d love too. Oh how I dream of going to the beach or anywhere really that isn’t a quick errand!  Over a year ago I would’ve never guessed my dad would pass, my mom would be living with us, we would live through a pandemic and I’d be homeschooling! Some days I consider us fortunate. Other days I’m at my wits end, feeling like  house arrest.

LaurenB

Kath50, that sounds similar to my life too!  My dad died this past summer, mom has a dx of alz and lives with my stepdad.  I'm homeschooling my youngest (learning disability) while helping my older two with online learning (thank goodness they are thriving).  Also thank goodness for my husband of almost 20 years!  I'm doing multiple daily phone calls and video calls with my mom, managing her emails, managing her medically (appointments etc) and trying to convince her to move down to this area with my stepdad.  Also, when my 3 kids are back in school full time (hopefully in the fall) I'll look to resume working either in home health or nursing homes.  I feel like my plate is really full right now.  If I take a step back from one of my duties it will have a rippling effect.  I've caved in and am allowing myself one vice from my past, caffeine free diet coke.  I know it's crap, but I could be making worse choices.   :/

harshedbuzz

Lauren-

I'm not really sandwiched at the moment. I do have an adult son with ASD at home, but he's been more part of the care team than someone who needs constant supervision.

That said, I found as dad's disease progressed, he initially became very sensitive to being out of his home for something like a celebration dinner even though our tribe is small. Previously, he'd been a party animal, so the change was unexpected and kind of sad. I took him out in July for his birthday and he'd had a fine time, by his August anniversary he was less engaged during dinner, and by December he was fretful so we started taking dinner to him. By the next Christmas he resented us invading his space and wandered off. I hadn't expected a warm welcome, but the 5 of us couldn't leave my mother to have no company that day. 

Dad enjoyed short visits with one or two people until the end. He became less interested in his grandchildren who were adults. I suspect he had traveled back in time to an era before my son was born and his cousins were young children. He knew my son if he was there in person, but couldn't identify him from pictures. LOL, he thought his urologist was my son. The urologist is Japanese-American, my son looks like Ed Sheeran.

HB

MN Chickadee

Yep, that's me. My mom started the life-altering phases of dementia when my first child was 2 years old. 8 years later and a second child, we're still on the journey. We ended up moving her to memory care about 2 years ago. Had I been older and not in the sandwich generation we may have been able to keep her home longer but it is what it is. One big aspect of my grief is not having her as a grandmother to my kids, and not having her motherly advice and adoration as I raise my own family. It's been a long road, some really dark difficult days. But I do feel like it will make me stronger in the end. Hang in there.

Marta

HB:  why do you have a picture of your husband's urologist?

LaurenB

I think that HB means that her LO could identify the grandson when in person, but not from looking at family pictures.  A side note is that LO thought that the Asian-American urologist was her son, even though HB's son looks more like Ed Sheeran (not Asian-American).

harshedbuzz

Marta wrote:

HB:  why do you have a picture of your husband's urologist?

Fair question. It's actually dad's urologist. From the practice website.

I bought my dad a Nixplay frame with which he never really engaged unless prompted. But my mother loves it, so my niece and I upload stuff to her playlist regularly. Most of what we send are pictures of her great-grandson or her cat doing something cute, but she kind of had a little crush on dad's urologist (he has an amazing way with dad- warm, respectful and amusing) so I uploaded a picture of him to see if she would notice. 

Unless it's on shuffle, the picture comes up right after one of my estranged niece. When I uploaded it, Mother pointed it out to him and he smiled and said "There's Mary". When the picture changed "He looked at me and said "And there's John". 

JDancer

Love this, so glad Marta asked about the urologist's photo.