Late Stage - Should We Move Mom?

Candyfiend

My mom is in Stage 6 of Alzheimers disease and I am looking for advice on whether or not we should move her.  She lives with my father who has been her sole caretaker since her diagnosis 6 years ago.  He is burned out but is in denial that he is burned out.  She needs help eating, toiletting, and bathing.  She went through a couple years of asking to go home all the time and having violent outbursts.  She's much more docile now and sleeps a good portion of the day and is awake half the night.  She doesn't know who she is, who I am or where she is.  Their home is safe for her but she can not be left unsupervised.  He's adamant that she not go into a nursing home like their parents had to. He has resisted my many pleas for him to hire caregivers to come to the house to ease his burden, even after being taken to the hospital because his heart rate was out of control.  He is able to afford care but does not want someone he doesn't know in his house.  

In January, my husband and I decided that this summer we would move closer to help since he clearly needs it.  We were thrown for a loop when in February, my husband's father suddenly passed away.  My husband now wants to move my parents, me, and my son all to his family 12 hours away so we can be close to a lot more family support.  My parents have no family left to help near them, aside from my 39 year old alcoholic brother who lives with them.  We both recognize that my husband is making a highly emotional decision because he is grieving but, this is important to him and so I want to support him.  He also wants to make my mom's care a top priority.  We want to know how a move like this would impact my mom's wellbeing.  I know that we would be taking her away from the few things she knows, like where her bed, the kitchen and the toilet are.  I know we could run the risk of her declining further after the shock of relocating.  I know we need to make sure there are in home and long term care options wherever we end up.  What other questions should we be asking?  I'd love to hear from anyone with a similar experience.

LicketyGlitz

Is your dad down with this move closer to your husband's family? It's pretty typical that moving speeds up the dementia progression, but if the move is for better support it can often be worth it regardless of increased decline for your mom. However, if your dad's not on board with this then I would say case-closed. He sounds a lot like my dad was about my dementia mom - took it all on himself, wanted no outside help in his house, was exhausted and frustrated but wouldn't consider other options... until he died first.

You might mention to your dad that the stress of his current caregiver situation could literally kill him.

It sounds to me like you and your husband have really thought this through, you are looking into all the things you will need in a new location to support your mom and dad, and be close enough to support his family too. If your dad is down with it, then do it. Like most of dementia solutions it will solve some problems but create others! You and your family sound like you are great at making educated guesses for best outcomes, and if it was a mistake, you are flexible enough to find a better solution.

Good luck to you all.

King Boo

Do you really think this is a fair request of your parents?   To move because your husband wants to?

I cannot imagine you would have success in getting them to agree.

It strikes me as unfair, unrealistic and a gargantuan undertaking.  Unless your Dad is like "Sure, sounds great!"

Your husband is also probably counting his chickens before they are hatched.  Does he have confirmed caregiving agreements with these 'supportive' family members?

Read the discussion boards - many a person counted on nearby family, only to have them disappear or not participate.  

There's no need to support a bad idea, no matter how much you love someone.  Particularly since it impacts 5 people, only which one wants to do it.

Candyfiend

King Boo:

We want what is best for everyone, even if it means ultimately sacrificing being close to my husband's family.  Nothing about this situation is fair for anyone involved.  I don't expect anyone to understand the complexities of our situation from the brief description I gave.  I'm well aware of how massive and stressful an undertaking it would be.  I'm only looking for insight into how it might affect my mom.  Can you speak to that?

Candyfiend

Likely Glitz:

Thank for for your kind and thoughtful response. 

King Boo

Care needs drive the decision making.  Unfortunately, there is no crystal ball to predict whether Mom will settle in easily or require a longer period of adjustment. 

Many worry a move causes a decline, but often a move happens because of greater care needs and the waters are cloudly.  Some do better after a move because of more regular care, simpler environments, etc.  Some are disturbed by the change.

Think about what bothers Mom now.  Presentations vary between people.  By stage 6, my family member wasn't able to really distinguish where he was, so moves when needed were fairly straightforward.

I recall several posters who moved into their parents home to provide care, or moved their parents into their home to provide care.  I don't happen to recall anyone who did a double household move to a great distance but perhaps they will come along a post if they are still around.  I do remember there was a poster who took their parent out to lunch and then kept driving a great distance to bring their parent to their home, I believe things worked out favorably.  If I remember their name, I'll come back and post so you can look up their threads.

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mommyandme (m&m)

Due to caregiving needs we moved my mother from her home of 55 years to CO,  she is stage 6. Her baseline has wavered here and there but not from the move.  We were fortunate to be able to move her with most of her things into her own home.  She doesn’t know where anything is but passed the need for that long ago.  She has forgotten she’s in CO too, until this fabulously large snow storm recently.  

After going thru all of that, if I was also moving my own household at the same time, I think I would have stroked out. That sounds horrible to me, well more horrible.  The stages must be well thought out.  

Your dad also deserves his comfort and peace of mind considered. I’m sorry for your situation and loss.