Calling her Mother

Gina Chapman

 New here 

I care for my grandmother, she is 94 and lives with me. Her current obsession is wanting to call her mother. You can figure out that her mother is no longer with us by seeing her age. She won’t stop asking for a phone book to find someone to call. Everyone she asks to call has passed away. This is heartbreaking and I’ve tried multiple approaches to help. Ignoring her requests or placating her isn’t helping. Telling her these people have long since passed in isn’t helping. Reasoning to her to deduce its impossible for her mother to be alive isn’t working.  I suggested she write a letter and that didn’t work either. I finally convinced her to go to bed and read her book. I’m tired y’all. I hope tomorrow is better.

LicketyGlitz

I've not been in your position, Gina, but just brainstorming for solutions I wonder if sending her a postcard from her mother, or the other folks she's asking for might give a bit of redirect respite. You could write a sweet note from them, and at the bottom add something like it's pretty remote where they are so no phone service but they'll call when they get back.

Does that sound like something that might work?

Also, is there anyway asking her a question about her mom might get her off the phone call and instead talking about her mother? Like when she wants to call say something like, "Oh, your mom is so wonderful. What's your favorite thing about her? What's the funnest thing she ever said? What's the best birthday present she ever gave you?"

None of the above may work! But with dementia you never know what's gonna be the silver bullet.

Good luck to you both!

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Cynbar

My DH often asks to call his mother, she has been dead for 25 years. What usually works for me is a delay, telling him that for some reason (she had a MD appointment, she naps at this time of day, she went to stay with a relative, etc) we can't call now , but will call later. I keep the explanation simple and just move on. Attempts to reason with him don't work at all, they just agitate him. I have also been known to try and make the call (texting a friend in advance to puck up and not say anything), leave a pretend voicemail and then tell him she isn't home. His memory is very poor at this point so never remembers what I said last time. And when he wants to call her next time, we start the same process all over again.

King Boo

"She's not home now", "She's out shopping", "We can call tomorrow when she is home"  "She's away on vacation"

See if a flat out fiblet works.   It may.     Or she may still perseverate.

If a phone is in sight, remove it.

If she is very anxious about it, a mild anti anxiety medication prescribed may help a lot.  We saw a Geriatric Psychiatrist MD - this class of medication is their wheelhouse.  

If conversations about Mom are of comfort, go down that route.

Repeating over and over that their Mom is dead is not a good strategy for someone who can no longer process the information.  They just keep getting very upsetting information over and over again.  We mean well, but it's unintentionally hurtful.  

Gina Chapman

Thank you everyone your advice is helpful.

We just confirmed a UTI infection which could explain this confusion. Will have to wait and see if it stays or goes away after she is better.