DW discharged to Memory Care

DoninNC

After 5 weeks in the Behavioral Health facility for psych evaluation my DW was discharged today and transported to her new home at a Memory Care facility. I had so wanted her to be able to come home but it wasn't to be. They have calmed her combative and aggressive behavior but she will require 24 hr supervision. I haven't seen her since Feb 11th and the Memory Care facility says they want to let her settle into her new home for a week or more without visitors to prevent confusion. This certainly has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I appreciate all of your words of encouragement through these hard times.

M1

Glad to see the update Don, fingers crossed for you.  Do keep posting and let us know.  I know it's not the outcome you were hoping for.  New normal for everyone.....

Joe C.

Don, I’m sorry to hear that you had to place your wife. Hang in there & I hope you can see her soon.

Ed1937

Don, we know it's hard. But I'm glad they were able to make some headway with her. Hopefully when you do get to visit, she will be accustomed to the place. Please let us know how it's going.

Ernie123

Don: Sorry to hear you and your DW have had to make this transition. It is traumatic but now it is behind you. For similar reasons of  “aggressive and violent behavior” my DW of 53 years was moved to a MC facility 15 months ago. I had provided care at home for 7 years.

Based on my experience I can share with you what I have learned. Similar to you I was told to stay away until she settled. In her case, it was quick. Just three days and they phoned. I was a bit of an emotional wreck at the time, but I soon realized the staff there are professional, used to dealing with dementia residents in a kind and efficient manner. They know all the tricks of distraction and reassurance. As predicted by a counselor at the Alzheimer’s Society, my wife enjoyed the constant social activities, being part of a small group. He predicted she would improve living in the social environment provided in her unit and after a few months she had.

The move was probably much harder on me than her. She just lives in the moment.

I learned that after seven years of caregiving, which was pretty intense for the last years, I had to step back and let the MC staff take over the caregiving role. Bring home alone, quiet, nothing much to do, wasn’t a relief but very stressful. I had to redirect my energy and force myself to keep busy. I learned I was experiencing genuine grief over the loss of my wife it seemed. The owner of the MC wisely told me to expect feelings of grief because I was losing her for a second time: first to the disease and now secondly from our home. Maybe you have heard the term “ambiguous loss”. Those of us caring for  LO with Alzheimer’s slowly lose them over many years. This stress and grief isn’t clear cut like a death, but is a constant in our lives. Understanding  my feelings helped me focus on how to move on.

I learned that most people have no idea what you are going through. However, the support group I attend at the Alzheimer’s Society was a real life line. There a dozen men meet and share stories, advice, laughs, tears and you leave feeling a bit more centered knowing your experience is not unique. If possible I would advise you to look for a support group organized by your local Alzheimer’s Society.

Please let us know how things go for both you and your wife. You will always find sympathetic support you can turn to here in this forum.

DoninNC

Ernie123, 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. That is exactly what I am going through, grief, feeling of loss. While she was home caregiving became my job, my mission in life and now that has ended. I'm married but married to someone who doesn't know who I am any longer.  We married late in life so have no family of our own and dated from 150 miles apart. When we got married I moved to her town so I have no family within a 100 miles so feeling very alone.

I'm sure this feeling will pass over time but very hard to deal with now, but I know she still needs me so I need to suck it and carry on.