moving my grandparents

katie278

Hi everyone! I am so grateful for this space existing.  The best advice comes from those who are walking in my nearly identical shoes.  I am considering moving my grandparents closer to me and would love your insight and advice.  

 My grandma is my grandpa's caregiver.  She recently told me that she would like to move to be closer to me.  It was very surprising to me because I have always offered and she's always said no.  I am wondering if she is wanting to now because she is feeling overwhelmed by being his sole caregiver, recognizing that she's less able to help him as she was able before and frustrated with the "support" from our family. She lives near a lot of family now, but they're minimally helpful.  She has to ask multiple times before someone helps her.  One of my family members agreed to take my grandpa to a medical appointment and forgot to come.

 My grandma's mind is very sharp.  She's mostly able to take care of herself.  She's just not able to stand for long periods of time.  So navigating stairs, making meals and house cleaning is a challenge.  My grandpa is likely in middle stage Alzheimers.  He is able to toilet, shower, dress and eat independently.  He has trouble with planning/order/organizing a multiple step task, but can be cued to do things.  He has been more paranoid lately.  He'll have intense sustained emotions, especially when something upsets him.  During a good time, he's able to sit with us and mostly participate in conversation, putter around outside in the yard, joke around, enjoy his shows, spend time with his friend, and prepare easy meals in the microwave.

I have a very flexible work schedule.  My husband currently works from home.  We are both prepared to spend time with them, give my grandma some respite time, prepare meals for them, go grocery shopping, help with cleaning the house and bring them for appointments. I guess I am just worried about the future and increased care needs, but I guess that would happen if they're at their current home or here.

We haven't yet asked my grandpa about if he would like to move.  He just got hearing aids, so he'll hopefully be able to participate more in the conversation.  I was hoping to gather more information and advice to make sure that this is the right decision and how to make this go smoothly, if he is interested in moving.

Thank you for your help in advance!

M1

Welcome Katie. There are lots of experienced caregivers here. I'm not in your situation, but feel compelled to ask: where are your parents in all this? Do your grandparents have other children (ie your aunts and uncles)? Who has power of attorney? Those things are going to matter a lot as you make decisions and as their care needs increase. Having financial and healthcare decision-making authority will be crucial. As will knowledge of what they can afford.

As for discussing the move with your grandfather, I think most here would tell you it's very difficult if not impossible to have discussions like that with someone in mid stage disease or later. Probably wrong to expect rational responses, and you may just upset him. I'd think twice about that.

Hopefully others will have thoughts for you also. Good luck.

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charfarrparr

hi 'all.  i never thought my first post would be a response, but here we are.  my parents lived down the street from me for 30 plus years.  my mom was the sole caregiver for my father who had dementia.  he passed in 2016.  i was still working at the time and was not much help to mom.   i say that to let you know that they were within walking distance and i was unable to help to the degree that i should have.  i eventually retired and dad passed 10 days later. 

now i am the caregiver for my mom who also has dementia.  we all moved into a much larger house and now she is mine to care for 24/7.  the process of moving is so disruptive.  she wants to go home, wants to know where she will sleep, etc.  

so i say all this to let you know that there are no answers that are completely right or wrong.  just bc they live closer does not solve a problem.  mom shadows me which is exhausting, but at least she eats and takes her medicine.

this is a helluva journey and this forum is a lifesaver bc it puts my teeny problems in perspective.

Cynbar

As stated above, please don't even consider doing this unless you would be the legal and financial decision maker. This usually involves getting durable power of attorney, different states sometimes have different processes so you would want to speak with a certified elder law attorney in the state they would be moving to. We have seen posts before where one family member had all the authority and another was doing all the work --- it was always a nightmare, especially when money needed to be spent. You will also need to look carefully at the future you are planning, as care of 2 people with dementia can become overwhelming and very time consuming.It doesn't sound like they will be able to live independently for too much longer. Do you have a clear idea what their finances are, what kind of home care and which facilities are available near you? Would they move in with you and your husband? You'll want to have a Plan B and Plan C before you initiate any big move. I know I sound discouraging, this may well be something that works well for all of you, but I would research all the aspects before moving ahead. Good luck, you sound like a wonderful and caring granddaughter.

katie278

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. This has given me a lot to consider. I appreciate all of the direct encouragement to make back up care plans and secure financial and health DPOA. Any other thoughts or advice is welcome!

King Boo

Hi Katie,

What a sweetie you are to be considering this.  I went through the dementia journey with my parents when I had very, very little kids.  It was extremely difficult.

You know your family best, but what comes to mind is where the heck are their older adult children?  Sometimes it takes a crisis in order for some adult children to act.  This is unfortunate - but a hospitalization, rehab stay, health crisis is the threshold that finally springs them into action.

There are also those that would happily  not stop to think how letting you be responsible for your grandparents could take you down.  Stress your marriage.  Leave you in a situation where their care needs accelerate very, very quickly and move that crisis situation onto YOU - not them.

What I would suggest is reaching out you your parent, trying to get a Geriatric Care Manager RN for hire to negotiate the murky care waters for them - it's often easier to have a non family member intervene in education.   Perhaps you can offer to research adult day care for grandpa as a temporary measure, memory care as a permanent one.    You could offer to take over paying medical bills, or something online.

Things are going to get messier very quickly.  Grandpa could start exit seeking, decline to hospice, or go on like this a very loooooong time -  it's going to become a whole lot more than lunch, grocery shopping and MD appts.

So, what I am saying is - help by researching and layering in care resources.  But let your parent help their elderly parent.

This disease can take a whole family down, as a young married, it's not your responsibility, it's your Mom's or Dad's.  Grandma definitely needs help.

If, however, you decide to proceed, you should have the DPOA for BOTH of them as well as access to finances.  And that means charting out their journey for both of them with a Certified Elder Law Attorney (www.nelf.org).    Otherwise, you hold all of the problems, and NONE of the solutions.   Money buys care.  More than one caregiver has been left with nothing because another person is DPOA and takes off with everything.