New and needing to vent

Mom1957

Hi everyone.

My mom moved in with me in January 2019 after a bout with cancer(breast). At the time we were told that her age (86)could cause Problems with her memory. She was more than capable to handle her daily routines, medicines, doctors appointments etc

Additionally my only brother had a seizure(2019) and was hospitalized and passed away last December. My mom has been hanging in there and coping the best way she can, but She has been on an odd slope since January of 2020.

In January of this year I contracted COVID and passed it over to my love of my life and my mom. She spent a week in the hospital and because she had to go thru oxygen therapy, she was transferred over to a nursing facility.*btw it took love of my life and I 30 solid days to become COVID free.

At the last part of her stay in nursing care,I was told she has dementia and Alzheimer’s, something that I was not expecting.

Because I have limited skills as a caregiver and no support from family or friends I made a difficult decision to put her in Memory Care facility.i am still trying to decide if this was the best solution for her, but based on her skills I feel like it was a good move.

I guess what I am looking for is a group hug, since she is so confused and not like her pre 2019 self. She thinks my love of my life is moving in with her ( in the other apartment) and for days she thought I was her mom( and kept asking about her daddy).

All for now and thank you for any comments you can add!

N00dles

Mom1957, That is a hard decision, to acknowledge your limitations and that memory care facility would be best place for your mother.

Here is a virtual hug. It is so hard to see our parent not being who they used to be.

Hope you, your S.O. and mother are on the mend.

aod326

It sounds like you've had a really difficult few years. Consider me part of the (socially-distant) group hug! 

One of the first things I learned from reading these message boards is to remember that you didn't do this (place in MC) TO your mother; you did it FOR her.

It is really really hard to see the person you love slipping away. Try to focus on what abilities your mom still has, rather than thinking just about what she "isn't" any more. Easier said than done, I know, but hopefully there are still parts of her that you can enjoy.

Good luck.

hospicelover

You did the right thing. After living with my mom for six years and caring for her, I had to put her in a nursing home and felt so guilty for such a long time. I told one of her nurses that I had promised my dad I would take care of her and she told me you are by putting her in here where she will be safe. I work full time and she started wandering and I was exhausted because her dementia took a toll on me. I have a brother and sister but everything fell on me and I got no help from anyone else. She is now on hospice and at the final stage of her life and it's very sad but it's such a horrible disease and it's been hard watching her slip away. You take care of yourself and I'm sending you hugs!

Salsam

I have gone through a similar experience.  I took care of my parents (with help from caregivers) in my home for 5 years.  In January, after my dad had a UTI and they became more demanding and I found myself crying all of the time and not sleeping, I made the decision to put them in memory care.  My dad is doing better, and he was the main one I needed to move.  My mom, they thought she was OK for assisted living, but it took them a week to figure out even though she was articulate she had no ability to even push a button to ask for help. Since they moved her to MC she seems to have gone down so fast, I feel guilty.  My husband thinks I just see it because it is not right here.  She lost her vision due to macular degeneration, and it got worse over there.  She was peeing and pooping in the corner of rooms, and she is aggressive and needs sedatives in the morning.  She is seen by Hospice care, and I took her to the Primary care doctor yesterday, all her blood work is normal, but her memory is not.  She does recognize me and she likes when my brother calls her, but she puts long sentences together that make no sense. 

I somehow believed I could limit the downslide by good care at home, but that is not possible.  I am trying to accept this.  I miss caring for them the way they were 2 years ago, even 1 year ago but not 2 months ago.  

You mentioned group hug...sending...and I did go over there today and give her a big hug. I guess we all have to accept we are doing the best we can.