Mom is Threatening to Kill Herself to Manipulate Me and My Siblings

Dave Cahail

My 84 yo mother who has VD and has been in MC for a little over 3 years now is bored and is continuing to threaten to kill herself unless she can go home. My siblings and I are aware she is trying to make us feel guilty and to try to manipulate us to get her way (she has been doing this for years). I try to remind her that we are still in a pandemic (a topic to deflect to) and this isn't the time to go home. I also reiterate that we haven't been able to visit much nor take her to lunch or shopping due to the pandemic. 

I have tried to empathize with her and also telling her that saying she wants to kill herself is terrible. I have also told her I don't want to hear it over and over which usually leads to one of us hanging up. At one point, I actually blocked her phone calls as she was calling so often and I was not going to listen. 

I am in frequent contact with the MC facility about what we are hearing from her. They don't hear this from her so it is obvious she is only doing this with my siblings and me. The facility has been good about monitoring her behavior in the late afternoon and early evening when she is most likely to call us and threaten to kill herself. I have been instructed to contact the night nurse when we hear this from her and to request they administer her anxiety medication to her (I did this last night after the voice mail she left me and the conversation she had with my sister). 

Not surprisingly, my anxiety levels have gone up not only when she calls but also do to the anticipation of her calling as I know what she is going to say. My siblings are better about ignoring her pleas but they too pulling back their contact with her.

I know I am doing everything I need to do to ensure she is safe and taken as well as realizing I can not make her happy. But to continually hear her say she is going to kill herself unless we take her out of the MC, is still painful and it wears me out trying to listen, be empathetic and then trying to deflect. I can't fix her dementia and memory loss. As a result, I am purposely pulling back, not picking up when she calls. I only call her when I am ready to deal with her behavior and outbursts. 

I am trying to deal with my anxiety by getting outside and being active but have also resorted to using periodically marijuana infused chocolates with Indica in them to mellow me out (much better than a prescription or alcohol and legal in my state). I realize I still need to take care of myself.

I would be interested knowing is anyone else has had to deal with a similar situation and how you handled it. 

Thank you for your continued support. 

Dave

dayn2nite2

On a thread you started in the past, I asked how she is able to call and removing the phone, whether taking it out of the room or removing the cell phone.

Allowing her to have a phone is allowing her to abuse you.

Dave Cahail

I tried removing the phone temporarily (I had the facility unplug the phone) but then I was informed by the facility administrator that I couldn't do this as the Washington state elder patients bill of rights prevents me from doing this. 

My mother is being moved into the next level of care in the next week or so which will require her to move to another section of the facility. As part of that move, I can chose to transfer her phone to her new room. I will discuss this with my siblings and the MC facility.

It is a fine line as I know a few people who still call her periodically so I don't want to prevent that from happening but at the same time, my siblings and I would prefer not having to deal with this. And having a phone in her room does allow for this to potentially continue. 

I get the fact that this is just how her brain is working now but it is still hard. 

LicketyGlitz

Yeah, my mom went through this too. Twice, once after Dad died and then a couple of years later. The first time we just made sure we got all the guns out of the house! The second time I can remember about a week of this threat when she said it on our way to her Opening Minds Through Art class (a dementia art course that is fantastic - offered nationally when there's no pandemic). I was so fed up by then, I replied, "Well you'll just have to wait until class is over. It's already paid for." That was the last time she said it.

Have you tried just kinda going with it? Like when she threatens to kill herself be seriously interested and ask her how she plans to go about it? Why that method? What's she gonna do if it doesn't work? How does she think people will react? If you were to kill yourself should you do it that way too? If that would upset her, why? What is it about you that she likes and wants to have you around? What would be her last meal? Is that her favorite food? What's her least favorite food...

It's rather macabre but if asking her questions and eventually moving her around to another conversation could be achieved it might help. You may be able to validate her feelings while finding out what her fav food is or why she thinks you're the bomb!

That's all I got. I hope something works for 'ya. It was mentally exhausting when my mom went through it.

terei

I agree with Lickety here.   I would try ‘going with it’, like it is an interesting subject that you are curious about.   She may dial down her histrionics when she realizes she is not making any headway with her threats.

As an aside, my mother actually attempted suicide 3 times while in AL + MC.  If she had had the mental capability, she would have succeeded.   We did have her in a geri psych unit where they medicated her with anti depressants + that did help her state of mind. It sounds like your mother should be given her anti anxiety meds on a regular schedule.

In your case, with a long history of threats for manipulation, I certainly would impede her access to a phone + talk to her on YOUR schedule, once a day(if that)

One thing that I have noticed(if this is the problem)  that people program phones for their LOs that allow them to press one button to call out with no need to actually put in a full phone number.....huge mistake.   If you cant remove the phone altogether, make it hard/impossible for for her to use the phone at will.

Suzzin

I love Likety's response. If there's a manipulative part of your mom who wants to get a reaction, turning that in to cheerful and interested conversation should flummox her. And if she is at all serious, finding out if she has an actual plan will give you something to alert the staff to.

When my mom gets particularly upset, I have learned to just say "I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but I love you. I've got to go, bye!" and I hang up. There is no winning any argument or persuading or cheering up at some point. Leave her with a positive and then disengage. It's a bit harder in person, but it can also be done.

mariawotters

On a thread you started in the past

Dave Cahail

I love this idea. Thank you so much. I think it will totally throw her off this mantra she keeps using on us. And it will show her we are not bending to what she wants.

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Selkie

I just joined here and saw this post. My mom has talked about wanting to die for the past two-three years. We just thought she was depressed, but now that she has been diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer's we know it was all symptoms of the disease. She never attempted suicide, just wished she could be euthanized. It was really hard to hear her back then. 

She is now in MC and calls us everyday, all hours of the day saying she is miserable and we are the worst children for doing this to her. SHE HAS HER CELL PHONE!

She is new to MC. She had to go to a rehab facility after a knee surgery, but she hated the extensive rehab food and because she had to get up and use the restroom she stopped drinking water and eating, which caused a UTI. That got her into the ER with bacteremia and sepsis. As a result, she had to go to a SNF. During COVID restrictions and not knowing where she was and why she was there, her dementia took a turn for the worse. She would not cooperate with PT (remember she had knee surgery?), or OT. She refused baths and was combative. SNF care team was not as sensitive to her needs as a dementia patient. and when she stopped improving, she had to be discharged either to home or LTC/MC. She is on Medicaid so we found a place that her physician recommended. They monitor her every hour. make sure she eats and her diaper is clean, because she still is not able to walk due to weight loss and muscle atrophy.

I don't have the heart to take her phone away from her. We are four siblings and contact her daily, but I'm the only daughter and the one closest to the MC geographically. 

What do I do? Ignore her calls? I am so lost, so frustrated, so guilt ridden... My mom's situation has had a very negative impact on my life, as so many of you may understand.

If I take her phone away, how would I deal with the backlash?