Need advice balancing school, work, and my great grandmother

McKenna

Hello, I am a 21 year old college student also working full time. Last fall I moved in with my great grandmother to help my grandparents take care of her. For the most part it has been fine, I've had to clean out her fridge and pantry behind her back because she has OCD and becomes very anxious throwing anything potentially usable away, and with the Alzheimer's she can't understand how old the food she has is.

The biggest issue right now is she is beginning to show more episodes of verbal aggression and frustration. Today I had my door locked while doing school work as she has a tendency to barge in and begin rearranging my items or removing them from my room. When she knocked I called out I was busy and couldn't unlock my door right then, which escalated to her repeatedly knocking without answering my question of what she needed before she began screaming and demanding I unlock the door immediately. She eventually began demanding I leave her home with my belongings, before she tried picking the lock and tried calling someone to have me removed from her home. 

I ended up calling my grandparents as I was still doing online schoolwork and couldn't step away from my computer. They arrived and refused to have me open my door or kick me out and tried to explain to her that she could not live on her own and if she kicked me out she would have to leave to. She accused them of abandoning her and not loving her and continued insisting my door had to be unlocked and I needed to leave her home immediately. 

Admittedly, I cried listening to them argue. I'm working nearly full time as a behavioral technician and often come home to find she has taken my personal items or ruined food by taking it out of the fridge and restoring it in unsanitary ways. I've also noticed she seems to view our dynamic as adult and child and doesn't seem to understand that I am also an adult and becomes very angry when I don't obey like a child, such as when she demands I go to bed immediately or clean my room. 

I need some advice on how to balance my responsibilities while taking care of her. My grandparents help out and take her on weekends and while I'm at work, but I need some tips on how to desecalate when I'm in a situation where I cannot immediately step away from what I am doing to do things her way. Any advice? 

RanchersWife

I have a 21 year old and I’m caring for his grandmother. That job belongs to your grandparents and parents and not to you. Please set some healthy boundaries and find a way to live somewhere else. 

I admire your effort and it’s noble but it’s too much to do alone. The extent of your help should be running errands or sitting with her for a visit. 

I know I’m not offering you solutions but the solutions you ask for will exist when the people who are supposed to be responsible for your great grandmother do their job. 

Hugs. 

McKenna

Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot to me! My grandparents handle most of her needs, they drive her to all her appointments, take her on weekends and during the day, and also give her her medicine. My mom and stepdad can't help out very much because they have a six year old and a nine month old, and there's too much of a risk of her hurting them as she's likely to do something like leave the baby unattended on the changing table or couch. She's already had some instances of smacking young children when they annoy her.

I spoke to my grandparents and they've said if her behavior continues on like this they'll arrange taking her more often and keeping her at their house. They already pay me for my time with her and cover my groceries and they also purchased and set up a printer at my great grandmother's for my school work. We mostly want to avoid having to put her in a nursing home or something for as long as possible. 

On the bright side, with the additional money from this I've been able to save up for my entire next year at school, so no more loans!

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