Trouble facing dad with AD after recent loss of mom with AD

mrsfnulnu

My mom passed two months ago after a hard 4 year battle with mixed dementia and other health problems, including two below-knee amputations from vascular disease.  She passed after about two weeks on hospice at home.  I have been living down the block from my parents for two years and am so lucky to have in-home caregivers to help me with the difficult task.  My mom's passing seems to have caused a rapid decline in my dad's cognition.  He was diagnosed only 2 years ago.  He forgot she passed away numerous times immediately after she passed.  Now he has started talking about finding a new wife, and talks to the caregivers and anyone who will listen about imagined (I hope) sexual exploits.  It is extremely upsetting. He is also becoming increasingly unable to tell reality from fiction and tells wild stories of all sorts.  I have barely begun to grieve and I am being faced with this new wrinkle in things.  I never imagined I'd be mourning my mom's death alone.  I am finding myself trying to avoid seeing and talking to him.  Advice welcome.

LaurenB

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It's got to be hard to have to relive the death of a LO when the surviving LO doesn't remember their passing.  Sounds like you are stuck between being a caregiver and a grieving adult child.  You can't count on finding solace in the surviving parent like others can.  I experienced this with my mom after my dad died.  They hadn't been married for over 30 years, but I found that I couldn't discuss my anger/frustrations about my dad's passing with my mom.  She's not able to be that person for me any longer.  It's heartbreaking.  

Additionally, you mentioned that the surviving spouse wants to look for a new partner.  It could be more of a statement of being lonely and bored along with thinking that they are still interested in sex and don't have an outlet available to them.  No suggestions on that front.  I don't think that finding a boyfriend/girlfriend is the right answer.

I'm interested to hear others responses.

sandwichone123

The only suggestions I have are about stepping back emotionally. After the loss of your mother, give yourself some time to grieve. It sounds like your dad has competent and known caregivers, so you don't have to feel like you have to go over as often. I do support trying to avoid as much contact for a while. You can't do it all, and you need to heal for a while before you pick up your load again.

It's common for people with dementia to forget that someone has died, and sometimes it's more supportive to avoid reminding them. She's gone, but if he's forgotten that, it's a new loss every time. I agree with Lauren that he's thinking about companionship and sex, which are important to people, so pulling back and hearing the feelings behind the statements might be helpful. If you can tell yourself "he's missing Mom, too," when you hear these, rather than thinking he's disloyal it may be easier. It's also easier to tolerate the stories of exploits of all kinds if you think of him as a raconteur rather than a liar.

Good luck, and let us know how it's going.

Diane

mrsfnulnu

Thank you both for your replies.  They are reassuring and helpful.

abc123

I’m sorry about the loss of your Mother. I think you deserve time to grieve for her. Your Dad will be okay with the caregivers. You are a good daughter.