Alcohol issues - how to handle?

DDNNYC

Mom in MCF keeps calling and saying she needs a credit card so she can order "stuff" - she won't say what she wants to order, just that she wants to be able to get stuff when she wants.  The problem is that I'm pretty sure what she wants is alcohol.  She can actually have a glass of wine with dinner at MCF, but she has long been (until a couple of years ago) a high functioning very heavy solitary/secret drinker so I think she just wants to order bottles for her room and be left alone.  Obviously that won't work.  (Not sure we could trick her with non-alcoholic Vodka).

She has always refused to acknowledge that she had a problem so the topic was just always avoided and now she doesn't even understand anything that's going on.  For now I'm just saying "I'll look into it" - letting calls go to VM and letting the MCF staff know that this is what she wants.  

Any other ideas for how to handle?  It's hard to even think about how to tell her she can't have it in her room or suggesting that she order it in the dining room, because she's not actually asking for the alcohol - she's just asking for her credit card for "stuff."  

Jane Smith

This would be stressful for me, so I’m sure it is for you also. While my mom wasn’t an alcoholic, she was a heavy, heavy smoker and while I know it’s obviously not the same as alcohol addiction, the smoking was super stressful for me and was one of my biggest worries about moving her to AL. So I feel for you.

Having said that, the way you are handing it right now is honestly pretty much what I would advise. You let the staff know what is going on (always a good idea), you are not always answering the phone when she calls or returning her calls, and you are telling her you will “look into it” or that you will “work on that” for her.  Which is what I would advise you to do!  Okay, mom, you want to be able to buy stuff, okay, let me work on that for you. I will look into that. And then you change the subject/get off the phone. 

What I would not do is to ever bring the subject up with her, or discuss it, or remind her about wine in the dining room, or any kind of explanation, ever. I’d just say, okay, sure, I’ll help you, let me look into it and get back to you.   I would not offer any details at all, unless pressed, and even then I would keep it vague.  Respond to the emotion, reassure you will help, then redirect or distract.  Easier said than done, but worth a try.

These fixations can be really hard to deal with and I don’t want to make light of that, because I know it’s not easy when they call you over and over and demand or request whatever it is.  Having said that, my mother is now well beyond this stage, so it likely won’t last forever. My other relative is firmly in this stage, but generally does not recall she has already asked me to order/purchase/obtain whatever the item is.  (Right now it’s hand lotion from Bath and Body Works, a butterfly patterned scarf for her next door neighbor from 20 years ago across the country, and picture frames.  She still has not used the hand lotion we gave her for Christmas three years ago, I don’t even know if that neighbor is still alive, and she has literally nowhere to put even one more picture frame, except maybe if we bolted it to the ceiling, but I just say, sure thing, I’ll get right on that for you, and she never remembers she just asked me last week or last month or five minutes ago.)

Sorry for dithering about myself for so long. Mostly I was hoping to reassure you that your current response sounds very reasonable. Hang in there.

MrsAnnabelLee

We had the same issue after my mom moved to AL. I ended up buying an alcohol free imitation liquor off Amazon and put it in her favorite brand liquor bottle. She was satisfied that she had her stash and ultimately hasn't asked for more since then.

bbbonbon

My friend also suffered from alcoholism and it had a very bad effect on him and his whole family. On https://www.canadapharmacy.com/ I read about various medications that cause disgust, vomiting or something similar when drinking alcohol. I advised this his parents and they gave him these medications without son's knowledge. The result was really good and now he is very grateful to me and his parents

zauberflote

My mom's MC didn't even allow toothpaste or mouthwash in the rooms-- "somebody might eat it", which was true. I can't imagine that alcohol is allowed in the rooms either. 

You are caught between a rock and a hard place. Can mom somehow come to learn that all shipping has ground to a halt because of [covid, teamsters' strike, there's a ship blocking the canal, whatever, rinse and repeat]?  It may also pay to apeak to management about their advice on this matter. 

Arrowhead

What ever you do, do not give her a credit card. In her state she is might get taken advantage of. Just keep putting her off. Eventually she will forget about it.