Infidelity accusations(1)

Pam BH

My DH has AD and VD. Not sure if ES or MS. Would appreciate advice from SO who's experienced accusations by PWD of infidelity by their spouse caregiver. Have been able to react positively to other false beliefs but not this one. Denials are negative and trigger upset reactions because I'm either lying or don't believe him. DH also has false memories of me telling him about affair, etc. Can't agree with the accusations but need to have responses that are positive statements rather than negative denials. Started 3 months ago and now are almost daily. Takes few hours for DH to be loving/caring again. I understand it won't stop but need to ease his mind some way. Must be difficult for him to think it's real.

Rescue mom

Pam, I am so sorry and know this must be painful for you. It has not happened to me (yet) but there are many people here who have faced the same accusation—as well as not recognizing them, and/or being told  “you’re not my wife, my wife is (insert any name)” 

What I remember from what others said (thinking I may someday face this) is to reassure him that you love him, you will take care of him, you’re not leaving him, etc. Some people think this accusation is an outgrowth of fear of abandonment. I would probably feel compelled to make a brief denial, but if that upset him, move on fast to reassurances that you are here for him. So much like this means we caregivers must have very thick skins. “It’s the disease talking” is certainly true, but not very comforting IME.

Hopefully some with that experience will come in with how they deal. Sometimes it takes 2-3 days to get responses here. You might also look back through the boards and see if you find any such threads. The search function here is not really, ummmm, efficient.

Ed1937

Welcome to the forum, Pam. We have a lot of good people here to understand and help when possible. Sorry you are dealing with this. I know it's hard.

Here is a link that might be helpful. https://www.verywellhealth.com/partner-dementia-unfaithful-accusation-97645  

Crushed

Strictly  for humor.    I told this one before (from when DW was about 63) 

DW  Did I have sex last night ?

Me   Yes 

DW   Was it with you ?  

Me   Yes 

DW  Good I was worried !!

This disease plays bizarre games with  the brain.

candycch

My husband accuses me of having an affair also.  Rather any man that comes near me he thinks that they are trying to take me from him.  Now he is being down right dirty and tell me, "he had me already and I can go whore around now".  How can I even think about letting him touch me now.  He makes sexual advances but I am so fed up with the negative accusations that I just see him as a patient

harshedbuzz

Pam-

I am so sorry, this is a tough and all too common scenario.

My dad was stuck on my mother as an unfaithful spouse. It was painful for him as he believed it and for her as it caused her to relive the times in their relationship where he had been unfaithful. 

She was unable to reason with him, but when he got stuck I could call and flatter him out of it telling him how she was crazy in love with him and why would she be because he was such a desirable man. For some reason, coming from me or his brother this tactic worked. 

He also had a delusion in the midstages that I had lost $350K selling his house for less than it was worth because I was stupid. I tried the advice here to just apologize and promise to not ever do it again and was gobsmacked that it defused the situation.

Medication helped him get unstuck from a number of other unhappy and unseemly fixations. A geripsych was the MVP of our care team.

HB

Pam BH

I agree the fear of abandonment is probably the root cause, especially thinking back to things he did or said before the accusations started, and that it's important to swallow my tendency to deny and go straight to reassuring him I'll always be here for him.  Thanks for the encouragement.

Pam BH

It's a tough delusion to live through, especially trying to figure out how to respond when you're hurting after being accused of something you didn't do over and over and over.  Scrolling though some other discussions I found a book suggestion that is so good and helped me see things from his viewpoint in order to know how to respond that would bring more calmness to both of us.  It's Thoughtful Dementia Care: Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. It's only around 200 pages and was extremely helpful.  

Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds weird, but knowing someone else is going through the same thing is comforting, although I'm so sorry you are.  The other delusions, illusions, and hallucinations I can respond to somewhat appropriately, but this one just sent me in a tizzy because I had no idea how to handle it and really started my grief process.  Good luck to you.