Respite- Gratitude & Guilt

Joe C.

Yesterday I departed on an 8 day respite break to visit friends in Florida. Today I find myself struggling with conflicting feeling about my trip.

First, I am grateful to my stepdaughter who is staying with my DW while I’m gone, my regular caregiver whose working extra hours so my stepdaughter can go to work, to other family members who are helping in different ways and to my friends who so graciously invited me to share their home.

Today I can’t shake the feeling of guilt for leaving DW and taking a vacation from caregiving. Although I am well aware that emotionally & mentally I need this break it just doesn’t feel right to be away. I know DW is in very good hands and will be well cared for so I should not worry. I can’t imagine what I would feel like if I was doing a permanent placement.

M1

Dear Joe, I understand the feelings, they are so deeply ingrained.  But:  you need and deserve this!!!  Hard to let go when we are so used to being the watchdog all, all, all the time.  I hope you can relax and use the time for yourself.  Breathe, see a bit of a different world, remember what it's like to enjoy yourself.  You will be going back to her in very short order.  Hard not to wish she were still there to enjoy it with you.  But I imagine that in her better days, she would have wanted this for you also.  Since she can't be there with you, you can enjoy it in her honor.  Have a GREAT time!!!  Florida's got to be warmer than MA in March.....

eaglemom

I'm thrilled that your having a respite. It sounds like you've gotten things all lined up and everything will be taken care of. Everything except your guilt for leaving. You mentally and physically need this - you know it, but alas your heart is telling you otherwise. Maybe send a quick text to your stepdaughter to just 'check' and that will help put your mind at ease. 

I know it can't be easy, but its the right thing for you to do. Enjoy, relax, take a deep breath and soak up some vitamin D.

eagle

Crushed

No guilt NONE Do you dig me Jackson  NO GUILT!!!

Don't make me come up there again !!!!

( paraphrasing my Mother)

ladyzetta

Dear Joe,

Relax, Enjoy take a deep breath and unwind. Take this time to refresh yourself your DW will be fine and when you go home hopefully you will be rested up enough to continue  this journey. This is a good thing for the both of you that you are able to get away and recharge. 

Like Crushed said NO GUILT!!!!!!   and don't make him come up there.

Hugs Zetta 

amicrazytoo

No guilt! Enjoy this break, you so deserve. Before you know it, you will be back home and in the trenches, don't waste your break with guilt and worry.  You have planned well and she is in good hands. They can reach you if needed. Breathe!

Quilting brings calm

You need the break to continue this journey.  Instead of feeling guilty look at it as doing what you need to be able to be a better caregiver.  As a parent I needed breaks from my children so that I could be more attentive and more patient when I was with them.   As some people say.... you have to put your own oxygen mask on first if the plane has issues.... so that you can stay alert long enough to put the oxygen mask on your LO.

June45

No guilt...but my problem is that I might not want to go back to caregiving once I had a taste of freedom.

Ed1937

Joe, there's no doubt in my mind that I would face the same emotions if it were me instead of you. But you have to use your brain instead of your heart. You need the time away, and I'm thrilled for you. Enjoy it as much as possible. Before you know it, you'll be back to work.

janeymack

Joe - please try to enjoy your break. If it is nagging in your head, try a 10-minute meditation for stress (or other purpose - you can choose from many) from Goodful on Youtube. I've been trying to meditate daily and it makes a world of difference. It gives you a mind and body reset and puts your mind's troubles into perspective.

LadyTexan

Your respite break is an investment in your well being to sustain you through future caregiving challenges and to allow you to be the best caregiver you can be for your DW. Please so not feel guilty. Respite is important.

Beachfan

I hope you won’t spend one more minute feeling guilty and worried during your well deserved respite!  More than likely, passage of time means little to your DH; she is being well cared for, and quite possibly she may not even miss you, sad to say.  Enjoy the sun, the warmth, the camaraderie of your gracious hosts.  Frankly, I am jealous.  My son texted me a picture this morning from the plane approaching  Key West, where he and my daughter in law are headed for a well deserved respite from 4 kids, 2 dogs and winter.  You deserve this, you need this, and everything will be fine when you return.

Gig Harbor

Joe don’t spend one more minute feeling guilty! If positions were reversed you would want your wife to have a break. If you have to think about anything other than enjoying yourself, start planning your next respite.

Oines51

I went on a much needed day trip by myself yesterday and it was so nice! Exactly what I needed to get a mental reset. I had gotten into a bad spot of neglecting my own needs. I have been feeling  trapped, lonely and resentful. My therapist has suggested I go on a summer vacation with my kids, 24,21 and 17. I would love to, but think the guilt will consume me. My husband who is 55, no longer enjoys traveling, makes him more anxious and always causes a decline Please let me know how you do? I hope that you can enjoy yourself!

jfkoc

a thought.....your wife may be having a good time with new faces

Cynbar

Hope you're having a good time and the guilt has abated at least a little!

nancyj194

Joe, I hear you about the guilt, but it's okay to get away.  You'll feel better when you get back home again. 

Nancy

Joe C.

I would like to thank everyone who offered advice & encouragement as I adjusted to taking a break from caregiving. I enjoyed a week of hanging out at the beach/pool, dining out, socializing, seeing some old friends & meeting new ones. I cannot says the worry & guilt completely subsided but I was able to put it on the shelf so that I could relax and enjoy myself.

Jeff86

Glad you had the break, Joe, and gave yourself permission to enjoy it.  You more than deserve it.

Ed1937

Good for you, Joe. I'm glad you were able to put things on the back burner for a while. Now maybe next time you won't feel so bad.

Beachfan

Welcome home! So glad you enjoyed your well deserved caregiving break.  

 I. AM. STILL. SO. JEALOUS!  

M1

hope it had the intended effect Joe!