COVID VascularD Face-touching concnerns / I am at a complete loss

KidCorso

I've been staying with my mother and my grandfather for a few weeks and there are 2 major issues going on for me and I am at a complete loss of what to do. The first is about my grandfather's dementia itself, and the second is about my mother, his caregiver.

My Grandpa, 82, has vascular dementia. It is now at the point where he has trouble retaining information within a minute, but can remember things with consistent repetition, or if they are impactful enough.

All his life, he has had a habit of constantly touching his face in various ways. He will rub a spot on the side of his head one second, rub his mustache the next, wipe his lips with his fingers the next, rub his eye the next, wipe his lips with his fingers again, rub his forehead, wipe his lips even more, etc etc etc, constantly. With the VD, it has gotten even more frequent. My mother has spent the entire last year reminding him about COVID and that it spreads by moisture, touching your face, etc. He can remember that COVID is an issue, but it has no effect on his habit. After wiping his wet lips with his fingers, and we get out the hand sanitizer, he will inevitably respond "But I didn't go inside my mouth!" even though we have consistently been reminding him that it doesn't matter. Other concepts sink in with this kind of repetition, but not this. 

Because of this, it will understandably be difficult to take him out to a restaurant when they start to open. People will be uncomfortable seeing someone constantly wiping their lips and touching their face. Also, he likes to go to a manicurist to maintain his fingernails, but that is completely out of the question with this habit in the era of COVID.

Now onto my mother, his caregiver. His behavior is extremely frustrating for her. As everyone is getting vaccinated, she feels extremely uncomfortable with the prospect of inviting her husband's children or other family over. I have a cousin with OCD who loves our grandpa, but will not visit if he is touching his face all the time. Her response, and I agree with her, is that it is unfair that this habit that he cannot stop would keep family members from coming over and make it impossible to take him into public settings. It would make life very difficult for her and her husband.

The issue is that she perceives this conflict as him being "selfish" with his habit. Her perspective is that he /does/ remember her reminders that touching his face is dangerous with COVID and knows he is not supposed to do it, but chooses to engage in his habit anyway. She says he "doesnt care" and has some angry outbursts about it. He has started to look over at my mother to see if she's watching him before he goes to touch his face, and she will see him do that and say "He thinks we're stupid." 

I can't overstate how long she has been trying to get him to improve, but my perspective is that the anger is sinking in much more than the logic of why he shouldn't be doing it in the first place, which is why he looks over to see if he's being watched. Her anger over this is totally understandable, I just think everyone would benefit from expressing that anger in a more constructive way.

This creates an enormous amount of tension in the house, and I have no idea how to address it. If anyone has any words of advice, or support, it would be so appreciated. Thank you.

Marta

Have your mother read:  Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller.  I downloaded it free on-line.  It is brief but eye-opening.

KidCorso

Thank you, I will read it myself and pass it on to her!

KidCorso

Marta wrote:

Have your mother read:  Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller.  I downloaded it free on-line.  It is brief but eye-opening.

Thank you! I will read it myself and pass it on to her.

M1

Hi Kid, this is just a little pearl of information, not that it really helps, but it might help your mom understand:  most repetitive, "tic" behaviors involve the face and head in some capacity.  Be it clearing the throat, blinking, touching the face--I just tell you that, maybe you can pass it on to your mom.  I'm sure your grandad can't help it.  If you have a neurologist involved in his care, you could possibly discuss it with them.

harshedbuzz

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

I would consider consulting a geriatric psychiatrist if this behavior is impacting quality of life. Some medications can dial down tic behaviors.

Iris L.

He's not going to remember.  Restaurants are difficult for PWDs without tics.  

Iris L.