feeling very guilty admitting mom to nh

T2FSE

my mom has alzheimers, had left the stove on, fallen etc.  She was in the hospital after Thanksgiving with an ulcer and had several bad episodes with her alzheimers.  they told us she could not longer stay by herself, she moved to live with her sister.   She has been in the hospital 3 times and is now having what the doctor calls seizures, no convulsions she just goes blank, starts shaking and falls to the floor, she has trouble walking and developed urinary incontinence.  Her sister can no longer care for her, so with help from friends in the medical community we got her admitted into a nice facility.  When we arrived she refused to get out of the car, threatened the nurses, pulled their hair and said the most horrific things to me and my brother.   we both cried.  I feel so guily, I know she is not safe living with me or my brother but in our entire lives she has never cussed at us or said the horrific things she said to us today.   the admitting nurse said it was the disease and it will get better.  She told us to not visit for at least 2 weeks for her to adjust.  We stayed for a bit and received some awesome comfort and consoling from the staff.   When we were leaving the admitting nurse told us she was in the unit talking with the other residents.  She is in a locked unit.  She threatened to kill me and my brother, the nurses and fought like  the devil and then becomes a sweet little lady down the hall.  I know it is the disease but I am so hurt from all of this, I have literally cried off and on all day.   My heart knows she needs to be safe and I have done the right thing, why do I feel so bad.  Why did she say such horrible things to us, will it ever get better?

jfkoc

She spoke out of anger and fear I feel certain.

You weighed everything out and did what was best for your mother so please, no quilt.

Yes, it will get better.

RobOT

Dear T2F SE, here we are in the unwinnable world of dementia, where we rarely feel right and there are few, if any, good, comfortable options.  Your mother was using her damaged box of social tools to get what she feels is best, and aimed at what she sees as the problem--with her damaged, dementia point of view.  While what she said was hateful and cruel, think how you and your brother would feel if she was caught in a fire because of her reduced memory, or fell and stayed on the floor for hours with a broken bone.  You absolutely did the right thing, and your mother proved it by immediately talking to her new roomies.  One of the hardest things I find is adjusting to who my father is now, as opposed to the real Dad used to know. I still love and protect him, but he just isn't who he used to be in so many ways

hospicelover

I actually had to put my mom in a nursing home a year ago. Until this past Tuesday I haven’t been able to touch her. I felt so much guilt for the first 3 weeks and it didn’t help that the place where I worked had to close because of COVID-19. I went through both verbal and physical abuse all hours of the day and night because she hallucinated so much and I was accused of so many horrible things that weren’t true except in her mind. I took care of her for 6 years and the last two were the hardest. I remember telling a nurse about the guilt I felt because I promised my dad I would  take care of her. That wonderful nurse told me “You are taking care of her by placing her in the home where she will be safe.” That comment helped ease my guilt. My mom had started wandering away from the house and I work full time and couldn’t just up and quit my job. Her doctor had been on me for awhile to get her in a nursing home as she knew it was taking a toll on me. You did the right thing for both her and yourself. To look at my mom now you would never know how she was before and how combative she got. Mom is bedridden now and sleeping a lot and barely eating or drinking. She can’t speak clearly anymore when she does try to talk. I go in and sit with her and hold her hand. I don’t believe she has much longer and has been on hospice for a couple of months. It’s hard not to take what they say personally but it is the disease talking and you have done nothing wrong. She will eventually calm down. At least my mom did but it took quite awhile. This horrible disease can totally change their personalities. The person my mother became was a lot different from the mom I remember before dementia. Please take care of yourself. That was the best advice I was given and know you are not alone.

zauberflote

I'd agree with what jfkoc say, and add that, just like a toddler, she lashed out at you because she felt safe doing so. Often the worst is directed at those the LO loves the most. My mother was uncharacteristically mean-tempered to my brother and me on a few occasions. It hurt, but we were hurting for her, because we knew it came from such a depth of confusion and terror that had overtaken her mind at those times. 

It sounds like that facility staff knows exactly what they are doing. You have made an impossibly difficult choice. Your sadness is natural; allow your feelings. You may feel roller-coaster-ish for a time. I'm glad you have your aunt and your brother to lean on!

T2FSE

Thanks for all the supportive comments.   My mom is not the mom I knew, she does not even look like my mom.  Her eyes are just blank, her face has no expression, even when she was threatening to kill everyone yesterday, her facial expressions were blank.   The NH staff were so comforting to me and my brother and said they have seen all of this before, that we have to be patient, let her adjust and get used to the new routine.  when they think it would be ok for us to visit in person they will call, they told us if we visit now it will only start the process all over again.   I feel so bad, there were moments in the car I thought, I think she can stay with me again, but then she talked to nonexistant people and could barely walk.  She accused us of hating her and throwing her out somewhere, I told her that we picked the safest place for her out of love so she woul be taken care of, it just made it worse.     Back in 2016 when she was first diagnosed, she was ok with knowing eventually she would need long term care but yesterday was one of the most horrific days of my life.  I am not able to cope with this at all and I am usually very resilient when things happen but this has knocked me off the map.

I also know she has to be safe, I had nightmares about her falling and breaking a hip or burning the house down, I even worried about it while she lived with her sister.  I know I did what was best and she is safe, but I feel so bad about this, so sad and that I failed her in some way.

Thanks for letting me just talk it out, this has taken a toll on me.

MN Chickadee

Hang in there. You have much to grieve and it's ok to feel that way. Grieving the loss of relationship with your mom, her incredible losses, her independence, the time robbed from both of you by this horrible disease.The days after moving my mom were the darkest of my life. I never knew the term "heart break" as much as then. I literally felt like my heart was breaking open. So much grief and loss and pain; it wasn't all that different from having actually lost her to death. There was no better option, it was the best for her and her spouse but choosing the best of rotten options is of little consolation during such a difficult time. She did settle in and we have pleasant visits now, but it was a bumpy road to get to this point. Try to remember you are doing this for her, not to her. You made the best decision possible with the information and resources available to you and that's all we can expect of ourselves. It's our job as their family/POA to keep them safe and that involves really hard decisions and roads to travel. We have a very difficult job. Just try to keep your head up, there is light at the end of the tunnel.