What do you say

John_inFlorida

My DW has congestive heart failure as well as mild VD and signs of ALZ.

She's constantly saying she wants to go on vacation when she's better.  I would love to go on a vacation, but she's not going to get better. I don't know what to tell her. If we were to go somewhere, with her heart issues, you never know from one day to the next if she's able to even go out to eat. I can imagine being stuck in a hotel room with takeout. Not really my idea of a vacation. Also the heart issues prevent her from doing much of anything. So I don't really see us going anywhere. I keep suggesting day trips on the days she's feeling ok. But she seems like she doesn't want that.

Ed1937

Hi John. There is a problem with your car, and the dealer has to order parts for it, which will take a while. Maybe it's a recall, and they can't get enough parts without a wait. Or you haven't been feeling well, and you'll be glad to go when you are feeling better. Doc said you can't go yet. Or you can come up with all kinds of excuses why you can't go.

John_inFlorida

thanks,

It just makes me feel really bad every time I hear her say when I get better

M1

John I can imagine that it's a stab in the heart for you each time she says that.  Sweet that she still has hope, but so painful to you that you know it's not realistic.  My instinct would be to go along with the hope, with something noncommital.  I guess we all need something to look forward to.  Glad you can bring your feelings about it here.

Crushed

We have rented apartments all over the world where I did the cooking. In Florida I made contact with local medical people and made sure I had sufficient medical records on DW for any emergency.  We are with Kaiser so California and Hawaii were no problem at all.  An apartment with a balcony looking at the water was  was a godsend for both of us.  

Just a thought.

I rented a day room at the local Mariott for our Anniversary in 2018 and told DW we were on vacation.  I brought a very special lunch and they had a whole room service set up for us. 

I  still treasure the memory.

piozam13

When DH asked to have a get-a-way Christmas before last,  I booked a suite by the water in the closest state park, only some 25 miles away.  He enjoyed the new environment, we walked short trails and had dinner in the room.  The second night he was asking where and why where were there.  He was so frustrated and angry.  We left the following day.  

As I've learned from you, they do not feel comfortable in unfamiliar surroundings.

terei

If it was my LO, I would engage by asking her where she would like to go + what she thinks the trip will be like + what you will see + do.     If she can identify where she wants to go ‘when she gets better’ I would get picture  books + posters + maybe videos  about the place + talk about the plans she has. to take the trip.

There is no need to avoid the subject.  You know she is not going to be able to travel like this.  If she is up to it, I think she would enjoy discussing her ‘plans’.

I would certainly not give her the reasons why this trip is never going to happen.  She is not able to see the future the way you do.   I sounds as if it is painful for you + I am sorry, but it sounds like this is something she is thinking about + offers a subject that you can discuss together.

sandwichone123

There's some research that people get more pleasure from planning a trip than from actually going on it. If you're able to tolerate the idea, you could plan something for "after covid," knowing that the planning is the goal. While you won't get to go there, you also won't have the challenges of the trip but she will get some of the joy.

My DH is planning a cruise for next April (2022). I don't know if it will happen, but I know he's much happier now planning for it.

JoseyWales

My husband talks about wanting to take a vacation all the time, too. He's angry that we "don't go anywhere." 13 months ago, just before Covid closed down the world, we took a vacation. DH was probably late stage 5.  It required a plane ride and staying at my parent's house a couple of the nights, and a short cruise. By the time we got to my parents, he was upset and after dinner wanted to go home. NOW. He didn't want to stay in someone else's house, etc. I calmed him down and the next morning we left for our cruise. That did not go as well as planned. Let's just say I wouldn't repeat that trip for anything. And DH doesn't remember a bit of it.

I am planning to take him to a hotel - nearby - soon. We'll drive an hour, stay in the hotel one night, eat out somewhere nice, maybe visit some tourist site and then come home. For him, it will be a vacation.

John_inFlorida

Thanks for all of your suggestions.

In our case, her heart issues make a trip more out of the questions than the VD. But it is more about hearing her talk about when she gets better that is hard for me. I wouldnt mind a short trip but the problem with her heart is such a hit or miss thing, one day good, one day bad. You never know what to expect.