6 months since DW placed in Memory Care

JEDnh2016

Sept 27 I placed my beautiful DW of 41 years in MC.  She has adjusted well, but then Covid clamped down, and i could only have window visits (in 3 degrees and snow) until she was fully vaccinated this month. Now I can take her out, have lunch, walk on the beach.  She seems well adjusted, and appears to be calmer, less frustrated, and well cared for.  I, however, am still very sad, miss her very much, and sometimes have guilt about whether she should be there or not.  I know I need to see someone, but again Covid has made this pretty difficult.  I do not need a shrink, I just need an experienced trained therapist familiar with geriatric issues that can help me navigate my feelings.  Does anyone know precisely the title of persons with this training?

jtbaa

I can't provide the answer to your. specific question but I would suggest a newly published book that might help you with a step forward in experiencing your loss.  The book is "Opening to Grief, finding your way from loss to peace" by Claire B. Willis and Marnie Crawford Samuelson.

Ernie123

I would suggest you start with your family doctor who can refer you to a psychologist or counselor. Another possibility is through your local Alzheimer’s Society. If you have an active branch nearby there will be counselors there who know exactly what you are going through.

My DW was placed into MC 15 months ago. I still feel sadness, loneliness and confusion about what to do. But with time I am having more good days and fewer bad ones. My wife too has improved somewhat in the positive social environment of her unit. The staff are angels. She is definitely happier than me. The owner of the facility wisely told me I would feel grief because I was losing her for a second time: first to the disease and second from our home. You are wise to seek counseling. I have found that a men’s support group organized by the Alzheimer’s Society was a great help for me especially just before and after her placement. Being able to share how I felt with a group of men who were all dealing with a declining spouse was very therapeutic for me. We share stories, advice, console in a confidential supportive setting. 

This forum is a good place to reach out. You will receive honest, insightful advice from people who are sharing your experience. It is very hard to work through this transition. What you have done was best for your DW even though it feels terrible for you. I hope you can receive the support you seek.

Crushed

I have a first class therapist who is a social worker.  She says repeatedly there is nothing "psychologically" wrong with me, (I am not clincally depressed etc)  but we all need help in adjusting to horrible situations.

riajean

Dear Jed, in my search for help, I stumbled upon Dr. Tam Cummings, a gerontologist in Texas.  She is an incredible source of information, instruction and guidance.  I emailed her and to my shock and surprise, she called me.  This was a year ago when I was so fragile I was afraid to be alone for fear of what I might do, my depression had turned to despair.  She led me through the steps to place my husband, made me write things down and follow up.  Though my husband is still at home with me, a year later, I'm still vacillating on whether to place him.  He's so compromised, 6 plus years into early onset ALZ, but still knows who I am so it's very difficult for me to make that decision.   Her website is https://tamcummings.com  Her phone number and email address are posted at the bottom of her page. 

She is strong enough to lead, knowledgeable enough to care and I highly recommend you get in touch with her.  I'm sorry you are so sad and I, too, fear the depth of sadness I might face when he is no longer here, but the freedom and peace I'll have he is cared for better than I can do myself.

Thoughts are with you.

Nowhere

It’s been seven months since I placed my husband. To say the least his transition has been rough. He’s once again found a friend on the inside whom he believes is me fifty percent of the time. She was taken to a doctor’s appointment earlier this week and he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t attend with her and he wouldn’t budge from the facility door she had exited until she returned. Last evening he emailed that a lady has made herself at home and that he sleeps in his chair, and that he told her she had to go and she cried.  There is no peace with Alzheimer’s. After thirteen years of being a caregiver, I didn’t expect to need a therapist after letting go of care 24/7, but in throwing in the towel I’ve lost all control. 

I found a wonderful therapist last month by asking for a referral from my local support group. She did her doctoral studies in Alzheimer’s and has a family member stricken with the disease. She gets it. Twenty five years ago when maybe he first began to show signs of paranoia I saw a counselor face to face. One-on-one zooming with my new therapist feels no different to me.

Good luck to you. 

Ed1937

I know this is one of the hardest things you can do. But I wonder if any of you have had something in mind that you could do after placement? I mean something that will take up part of your day on a regular basis. If so, did you find it helpful?

harshedbuzz

The person you are looking for could be titled a couple of different ways- therapist, counselor, counseling MSW, clinical psychologist.

I found my mom's talk therapist through her psychiatrist who was recommended to be by my son's psychiatrist. Sometimes PCPs know who is available in a community. Our local support group shared names as well. They're part of a large psychiatric service and have a range of clinical psychologists, social workers, counselors and therapists. Often, places like this have a website with a short bio and CV that allows you to see what sort of approaches and life situations in which they work most often.

In COVID-times, both my son's psychiatrist and mom's therapy have gone virtual so it's likely you could "see" someone quite soon. 

HB