Family Problems

Ronniejm

My mom has AL and now lives with my family. My dad passed away about 6 yrs ago. I have a brother but he hasn't talked to my mom or I for over a year. My mom is declining and was diagnosed with AL just after my brother stopped talking to her. He doesn't even know what my mom is going through. My mom doesn't want to talk to him because of the way he treats us. He's missing out on time with her but then again he's a grown man. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to cause any problems for mom.

BethL

I think I would let him know, then let it be his choice what, if anything, he does with that information. I would do no begging for him to visit or help in her care.

Hopefully you have POA and healthcare POA so that you can make financial and healthcare decisions for her.

eaglemom

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Families can sometimes cause us such grief or joy, you just never know. Of course you are going to possibly get a variety of responses here.

As to contacting your brother think it through. Do you have POA of everything of your mother's? Could that be why he's not talking with either of you? Your brother withdrew for whatever reason. That is on him and was his decision. You mom doesn't want him to cause problems, which says there maybe a chance he's caused issues in the past. 

I'm personally a 'listen to my gut' kind of person. Of course your heart wants to reach out, he's your brother, that's natural. However, since your 'gut' is questioning it, to me that is your answer. Its a shame your brother walked away for whatever reason, equally he's not reached back to check on either one of you.

Tough choice and one many of us have had to live through. If not a brother, a child, sister, relative, etc. You can not fix why your brother walked away - as harsh as that sounds. Keep your mom as safe and healthy as possible and you've done a great thing.

eagle

harshedbuzz

I would reach out a single time to loop your brother in. If you are estranged, I would do so by snail mail and include documentation in the form of doctor's notes if you have them. 

Prediagnosis, when dad was in the late part of the early stage of the disease, his personality changed. He became darker and more unfiltered. As he entered the early middle stages, his confusion and paranoia caused him to accuse people of all manner of dastardly behavior. Small wonder that by the time he was diagnosed, he'd pissed off all his friends and family. My mom and I were the only people still interacting with him and I was only involved to have eyes on her welfare. 

After he was diagnosed his brother and my niece were able to reconsider the past hurts in the context of dementia and reconnect with him. 

HB

Graygirl1

As others have posted, send a letter to your brother and let him make his choice. This will free you of any guilt.

GothicGremlin

I have that same brother. In my case, he basically walked away when my sister forgot how to open the refrigerator door (she has early-onset AD).

It's fine, I moved on a long time ago - but I made sure that I have her POA for financial-medical, and every other legal document you can imagine. The only thing I haven't done is become her conservator.  Essentially I want to have all of my legal ducks in a row just in case my brother decides to make any kind of trouble now or in the future.

Maybe everything will be fine, and I'm worrying for nothing.  But by getting all of the legal stuff out of the way, I can easily manage her affairs, and I don't have to worry about my brother.

All of that said - I would tell your brother about what's going on and let him decide what he's going to do.  Even to this day when I send email updates about my sister to extended family, I include my brother.

abc123

Hi Ronnie, I think I know how you feel. I have a brother and a sister who both have very limited contact with our elderly parents. Mom has Alzheimer’s stage 5 and Dad had a bad fall a little over a month ago during an ice storm. My parents live 9 hours away from us. When Dad first fell , I came up for two weeks then went home for two weeks. I’m back again because Dad had to do a second eeg, this time at home for 76 hours. My brother offered to come up if Dad bought him an airline ticket. My brother has mental issues and will explode at the drop of a hat. Dad decided he did not want my brother to come. My sister would not come because she is stuck in the past. She hasn’t seen them in over a year. My brother hasn’t either. But he does call for money, lots of money.  It’s all a big mess. I’ve spent years trying to make peace between them all. It has worn me out. They both call me with questions about how Mom and Dad are doing. I feel if they really want to know, they would get their butts up here. I’m taking Mom and Dad home with me for Easter. I’ll invite my siblings and their grown children. I’ll see what happens. The last three times my parents were at my house no one came to see them. I hope things work out well for you and your Mom. I’m sorry you are in this position. Good luck!

ladyzetta

You don't need to worry about your brother, if he cared he would have called just to see how she was doing. If your Mother prefers not too see him respect her wishes, you would feel bad if he got involved and made a mess of things. You are a good son and your Mother's happiness is what counts.

Ronniejm

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have an appointment for my my at the end of the month with a Geriatric Memory Care Doctor. I hope they can give me a better diagnosis for my mom. I will decide then what to do. Thank you again

jfkoc

Please be certain you have a durable POA (DPOA) and that all thing medical and financial are in order.