My 88 yr old Mother keeps calling the POLICE because she thinks I am an Intruder!

debhope

My Mom no longer recognizes me and on Thursday when I was making her a sandwich, she called 911 to report an "intruder."  The police came and my mom gave them a big story about the "intruder" breaking in and "beating her up."  All not true. It was heart-breaking. I showed them my ID, verified I was her daughter, showed that I had a key to her apt, and showed them her ALZ diagnosis from the doctor. 

On Friday, I went back to my Mom's apartment to pick-up some things of mine and check on her, and she again, called 911 to report an "intruder." So now I am DONE with her. I know it's the disease but she has the cops on speed-dial and it's impacting me in a very negative way. 

Has anyone heard of anything like this? How do I deal with an ALZ family member who doesn’t recognize me and calls the police to report an “intruder”?  Because of this new problem,  my Mom has NO support system and my entire family is scared to go near her for fear she'll call the cops. 

Anyone else have this problem? Suggestions? 

PS. The police recommended getting Power of Attorney but my Mom will never agree to that, she’s also got extreme paranoia, so there’s no way she would ever agree to giving me POA.  Is there a way to get POA without her permission by proving she is incapable of managing her affairs? 

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE GREAT SUGGESTIONS!  I will definitely leave my Mom’s apt the next time she thinks I’m an “intruder.”  Why didn’t I think of that? Lol. As an aside, my Mom has already called Adult Protective Services on me, my sister and her husband, so that’s already happened and we have spoken to them about the situation. Calling the police is a new one for her.  Thank you for the suggestion to TAKE AWAY her phone. She has a landline and a mobile phone, and when she calls the police it’s from her mobile phone because she will lie to me (the “intruder”) and say she’s going on a walk and then she calls 911.  Next time that happens, I will definitely leave! Great suggestions and thank you to everyone who has posted with ideas, you are all so appreciated, thank you, thank you! 

Marta

The behavior you describe are all red flags indicating that your mother is not safe living alone. 

The solution to your immediate problem is to disable the phone - she no longer uses it appropriately. At the same time strategies for making her safe (supervised) need to be brainstormed and implemented. 

If you at all accept the above premise, please come back and ask this group to help you brainstorm. 

harshedbuzz

I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation.

You might not be ready to hear this, but it doesn't sound as if your mother is safe to be living alone given her inability to recognize family. I would be concerned that the next time, the police call APS which could result in her being assigned a non-family member guardian which will have the power to sell off her assets and place her in the first available residential setting.

In your shoes, if she won't sign a POA or is deemed too impaired to know what she's signing, I would pursue guardianship on an emergency basis. 

Has she been diagnosed? That could make guardianship more easily obtained. We had a similar situation with an aunt who lived alone and had no paperwork designating POA. We had a neuropsych assessment and hired a CELA to obtain guardianship on an emergency basis as she wasn't safe living alone.

Graygirl1

Seek information from the Probate Court on obtaining an Involuntary Conservatorship. My mom had several calls to the police and fire a referral was made to the department of mental health crisis team who came out to do an evaluation.  The suggestion was a homecare worker, 6 hours a day, remain in the home with her.

debhope

Thank you so much for the great suggestions. I am listening and I appreciate everyone’s suggestions, I was at such a loss but now I am starting to make a Plan to get my Mom the appropriate help. The resources you’ve all mentioned are so helpful. Thank you.

Cynbar

I wouldn't worry too much about the police, your mom isn't the only one doing this and I imagine they have figured out what is going on here. If not, they soon will. Have you enlisted the help of her PCP in all of this? The doctor probably can't have a conversation with you due to HIPPA laws, but can take in information. Send a letter or email detailing what's been going on, so there is a paper trail. Hopefully the office will call and get her in for an appointment, if she doesn't have one coming in soon. It's sounds to me like a full medical workup is in order, if not a stay in a geripsych hospital to smooth out her behavior. This can also start the process of having her declared incompetent, which is the first piece of any guardianship or conservatorship application.

jfkoc

Until you can get something worked out you might try leaving the house when she fears you are an intruder and then coming back in again. This has been a solution for more than a few here.

MN Chickadee

Seek the advice of a good elder law attorney ASAP. They can advise on how to get control of the situation. And yes sending a letter detailing her symptoms  to any doctor she may see is helpful. You might also find books/resources on communication techniques for dementia. The way you respond can play a big role. Teepa Snow is an amazing resource, look up her videos. If mom doesn't recognize you and you are insulted, scared by that, defensive, or try to provide evidence to convince her otherwise it will make it worse. Learning to be soothing, go with the flow, and certain ways of approaching it may help. Therapeutic fibs are essential.  Do you think calling her on her phone as you are approaching the home would help? Hi mom, it's your daughter, I'm just pulling up and going to come in the house now ok? I have your favorite cookies. If she says she doesn't know you, just be soothing and don't disagree. Say her daughter asked you to check on her. Remember the root of this is she is scared. She truly doesn't recognize you and is terrified, so focus on making her not scared much like you would a child. Soothing, even tone from you, try to validate her feelings and distract. Offer treats. Maybe even say you are a nurse here to take care of her or something if she would trust a health care person. It doesn't sound like she should live alone, this calling the police thing is a symptom of a much bigger problem that likely will preclude any ability to live independently. You need to get her into a physician by any means possible for a diagnosis. Lie, say it's an appointment for you, say Medicare requires it, say it's just to check her blood pressure, whatever. Sometimes for severe paranoia a stay at a geriatric inpatient psych unit is needed to get a person stable and to the point where they allow caregivers to take care of them. But it could be that figuring out what is wrong and then providing the proper level of support, structure, and care required that she will settle down and not be so scared and paranoid. In terms of what steps to take in the short term - elder law attorney and find a way towards getting her seen by a physician.

Rescue mom

There is really good advice here. I cannot add anything except to say I agree with what others have said—she definitely sounds like she should not be living alone, and you should get expert legal advice ASAP. As harshedbuzz pointed out, if the police continue to get involved, they are likely to call APS. They undoubtedly deal with Alzheimer’s a lot, but they may feel compelled—or more likely have some rules or laws—to report an elder with problems that they don’t see being dealt with. Getting angry with her won’t help, her brain is broken (with a Dx of Alzheimer’s) and she is literally unable to understand.

debhope

Thank you so much for a very helpful, informative post. Just reading it brought me so much comfort and calm, I definitely know how to handle the situation better the next time. Thank you very much. Truly, I needed this advice.

Marta

Deb. No one can do this dementia journey alone. It takes a village. 

We will be your village. 

King Boo

To find that certified elder law attorney (CELA) go to www.nelf.org

Many claim to be elder law attorneys, not all really have the skill set.

Re-read harshedbuzz's excellent post.  The Neuropsychological assessment along with a Geriatric Psychaitrist evaluation will yield the documentation that you need to legally act on her behalf.

Your crisis has arrived.  You can no longer go day to day with fingers crossed that things will be OK.   Mom needs much more care than a daily stop by.   All of us have experienced this.  That splash of cold water that our parent is 100% incapable and not safe being along anymore.

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debhope

Thank you, yes I can see now that it Takes a Village. So true! A very LARGE village.  Thank you.

debhope

Here’s the really STRANGE thing with my Mom’s dementia. She can seem perfectly NORMAL during various parts of the day. She does live in Assisted Living and they have evaluated her at least twice. Both times I heard the Assisted Living facility said she was “okay” to live alone. I was shocked!  But what the Assisted Living Staffers do NOT see is the non-recognition of family,  the paranoia, bed wetting, fires in the kitchen, garbage not being taken out, dirty laundry piling up....they don’t see any of that, or the sundowning and night wandering at 3AM.  My Mom answered all their questions and was able to fool them because she was very clear-minded. Honestly, it’s just the strangest thing to me that her memory will come and go, it fades in and out. It’s worse at night, and of course no one at Assisted Living sees that.  I definitely agree she needs Memory Care and I am going to look into it right away.

harshedbuzz

debhope wrote:

Here’s the really STRANGE thing with my Mom’s dementia. She can seem perfectly NORMAL during various parts of the day.

That would be strange for most people, but for people with dementia that standard operating procedure.

She does live in Assisted Living and they have evaluated her at least twice. Both times I heard the Assisted Living facility said she was “okay” to live alone. I was shocked!  But what the Assisted Living Staffers do NOT see is the non-recognition of family,  the paranoia, bed wetting, fires in the kitchen, garbage not being taken out, dirty laundry piling up....they don’t see any of that, or the sundowning and night wandering at 3AM.  

I'm sure whomever did the assessment didn't stop by late at night when she was more likely to be agitated. In addition to sundowning, there's "showtiming" and "hostess mode". The former is when- for a limited time and on a good day- the PWD can hold it together enough to not raise any alarms. The latter, often seen in women, is when the PWD holds onto their gracious social behaviors well enough to deflect and redirect concerns.

My dad was the former. In the late middle stages, at a midday appointment, he could turn on the showtime and deliver jokes in Yiddish for his Israeli geripsych despite dad being raised an Irish Catholic. My aunt faked her way all the way into the middle stages with lovely manners and a concern for other people's well-being?

My Mom answered all their questions and was able to fool them because she was very clear-minded.

If your mom is an intelligent and well educated person, she may bring considerable "cognitive reserve" to the party. About 6 months before my dad died from complications of Alzheimer's his geri psych did a quick MMSE while I was in the room. Dad did pretty well compared to what we were seeing at home and scored as expected for a man his age and education level which stuck with him. I heard all about how he was "off the charts" smart all the way down to the lobby in the elevator and out to the valet stand. I turned away for a second to turn in my ticket and saw my dad climb into some random little old lady's car. OMG, the look on that poor dear's face.

Honestly, it’s just the strangest thing to me that her memory will come and go, it fades in and out. It’s worse at night, and of course no one at Assisted Living sees that.  I definitely agree she needs Memory Care and I am going to look into it right away.

One thing I was told by the wise souls here is to plan care based on her worst day/time of day and try to enjoy the times when she's doing well. 

JJ401

If mom tells them that the intruder beat her up, could the police say that they have to bring her to the hospital to be checked for injury? Once there she could be evaluated.

My MIL, who lived in elderly housing, kept calling the police saying that building management had locked her in. After a few calls they took her to the hospital. From there she went to memory care.

Iris L.

Your mom may not recognize you as a mature adult woman.  In her mind you may still be a child or a teen.  Even if you announce to her that you are her daughter, she won't believe you.  

Re: setting fires in the kitchen--run, don't walk, to memory care!  Your mom needs more supervision.  Until you can make arrangements, disable or get rid of all fire-making items.  Disable the stove.  Even a microwave can be dangerous if she puts aluminum foil into it.  Don't allow candles.  Safety proof the unit.  There are instructions on alz.com and other sites.  Did you read about the fire in the assisted living facility on Long Island last week?  

My first interaction on this board was of wonderful caregiver members telling me that I should not be using the stove.  At first I was hurt, but I knew they were right, because I had been burning up food on the stove and the smoke alarm kept going off.  This was my answer but I had not thought of this myself.

Sometimes the people at assisted living facilities are concerned about filling vacancies, especially in slow times, like now.  It takes people like the members here to let newcomers see through the smokescreens and to see reality.  Keep posting and keep asking questions!

Iris L.

PastorB

MN Chickadee: my experience was different than yours, but my DW called 911 because she was sure that I had poisoned the water I gave her with her medicine. Worse, she hung up after calling them at about 9:00 one evening from an upstairs phone. I had no idea until two police officers rang my doorbell. I looked outside and they came with an ambulance and a fire truck!

Because she claimed I poisoned her, I felt obligated to let them take her to the hospital. Nothing found and I brought her home several hours later. 

I didn't read the replies, but has your family considered a geriatric psychiatrist? I took my DW to one without telling her anything other than it was a doctor's appointment (which it was). The doctor was/is great and put her on medications which have helped significantly and kept the police away from my door. Just my two cents. In your mom's world, you actually are an intruder, but it's not her fault (as you know). Doesn't make it any easier, though.

GrannyB!

Marta this response made smile!