Guardian ad Litem has placed my 73yo sister in a NH

bobriensan

 

In 2017 my sister was declared incompetent and was appointed a guardian. (I live ~1000 miles away). Until about a month ago, she was living independently in a large elderly apartment building, and was  receiving services who would bring her medication/food. This became more difficult with COVID. A few weeks ago, she called EMS because she fell (or was dizzy). They came and determined she had no injured, but she was dehydrated and had a low blood count. The guardian had her taken to a “rehab and care” iow a NH. My sister is, I think, somewhere between mild and moderate dementia. She can get around w/ a walker, carry on a lively conversation (though she repeats herself, and gets confused). She thinks she is going back to her apartment any day now, but her guardian thinks she cannot go back and be safe and said she told my sister this. When my sister tells me she doesn’t know why she was admitted, I tell her that her guardian was concerned about her remembering to take her meds and eat and just wants her to be safe. When I said the guardian is trying to see if she can get into assisted living my sister said “That would be the end of me.” She has always been intelligent and independent and is finding being away from home and losing her independence and privacy distressing. My question is how can I best support her. I sent her a “comfort box” toiletries, paper/pen, washcloth, pictures from home, etc. I asked her if she wanted me to send her magazines and got a No! because she feels that would make it seem like she’s going to be there longer than “a few days.” She says she hasn’t had a shower since she got there because the nurses have told her “We’re too busy.” I asked her if she’d like me to bring that to the attention of her guardian, and she said No! She doesn’t want the nurses to turn against her, plus she’s going home in a “few days.” I’m trying to walk a fine line between communicating directly w/ the nurses vs what her guardian should do. Mostly, though, I’d like suggestions on how I can best help support my sister while she goes through this distressing time. What should I be doing for her/saying to her, and what I shouldn’t.

LicketyGlitz

That's a tough position to be in, bobriensan. It sounds like what you are doing is important, listening and empathizing with her, and the care package to let her know she's loved. Do you have a good relationship with the guardian? Can you be your sisters advocate with the guardian for choosing an assistant living place? Be the go-between and cheerleader of a new exciting chapter in your sister's life? Sounds like she would need a lot of convincing to think that way, but maybe a little coaching from a beloved sibling can help her accept what sounds inevitable.

As far as saying the right or wrong things, in dementia most of us gotta feel that part out with our dementia folks! You know your sister better than us and sounds like your doing pretty good with the communication. You'll def know when you've made a verbal misstep and file that little bit of info away for the next time you have a similar topic come up.

I wish you both luck navigating the new normal.

ladyzetta

Hi Bobriensan, 

It is very loving of you to make sure your sister is being cared for.  If you trust the guardian and your sister is in a good NH then being 1000 miles away you will just need to continue that trust. My DH was in a MC facility and there were a few residents that had guardians and believe me the residents got the best of care from both the nurses and the guardian. If your sister stays in the NH will you still keep the guardian?  If not I think for awhile would be a good thing to do, just while your sister is adjusting. Her guardian will be that familiar face your sister needs to see. 

I do not know how zoom works but a lot of people that live far away will do a zoom chat with their LOs. This way you can see how things are going. This will not be easy on your sis but if it's time for this type of care she will need to adjust. Some of the residents at the MC facility my DH was in always thought they were going home. One lady who came in had her cloths packed and would set on the bench waiting everyday for someone to come pick her up. It was sad but she finally adjusted. 

This is going to be hard for you but again do you trust the guardian to make these decisions??

bobriensan

I don't know the guardian well at all, but my other sister knows someone who knows her and says that she's competent, caring, and is a strong advocate for her clients. Per the guardian, getting my sister into AL seems to be a problem from a benefits/income standpoint. The guardian is familiar with AL and NHs in the area, as she has a case load of 29 other clients who are in AL and NHs. What I'm trying to work on is being a good support from a sister standpoint.

bobriensan

Thank you. I'm trying to be a good listener and sounding board, as I think it helps her to know that someone can empathize with what she is going through. I think in terms of choosing an appropriate place the guardian will have more "boots on the ground" and knowledge of what's available in the area.