Katie bar the door!

GrannyB!

Today we had a tree trimmer with the electric company work all day trimming our trees growing into the power lines. The noise was horrible! I took Mom back to her room and we put on her Dolly Parton tunes and I gave her a pedicure. When we were done she wanted to wash her hair. Then we had our first watermelon of the year! Was a great day! Now Mom is determined that she is leaving this house and going home! (This is her home). She is quite angry and aggressive. I tried to redirect epic fail! My son left the house in her car, so she would change her mind about leaving! I've tried and tried to redirect failing each time. I ended up backed up against the door with her in my face. Some of the things she has said are quite hurtful! My adult son is quite upset with this behavior and keeps insisting that I take her to a facility somewhere and be done with it. Problem is I'm not ready to do that. And know  she will give up on life if I put her in a facility. No one understands why I'm not willing to just give up. How do I make them see?

chrisp1653

I know - at least, in part - what it's like to feel as if everyone you know has a better idea than you do about how to care for a loved one. When it's family who seems to think they know better, it's even worse.

My best thought might be to ask them, if it was you, instead of your mom, would they be so quick to palm you off into the care of some stranger ? The problem there is that the answer might be yes.

You just have to do as  your love dictates - tempered , of course, by what you yourself are able to bear. We do have limits, you know.

GrannyB!

Thank you Chrisp1653! That one question is what worries me the most. You see my maternal grandma had dementia, my mother has dementia and I figure I am next in line for it. I only have 1 child! I've watched this disease turn my Mom into someone I barely know. I live for the days like this morning I cherish every one of those moments. I feel good when she responds so well to hints and suggestions. But the woman I spend evenings with, that has those wild-eyes and so much anger, scares me!! I try to tell myself, I won't act like that if I  end up with it. But I also feel, I'm lying to myself!

Quilting brings calm

I’m going to play devils advocate here.  

Is it possible that you are so deep in the caregiving forest that you can’t see the trees?  Is your son seeing things that you aren’t?  Like the fact that you are jeopardizing your own health?  Are there grandchildren you are ignoring? Is your son feeling pushed out? 

Do you really want your son - your only child - a male to be a caregiver for you when you get dementia? Wiping your bottom and such?  Because that’s what you are saying / that you are caring for your  Mom and you are expecting me your son ( and a daughter in law?) to care for you. Even though he is telling you in his own way  that he doesn’t have the  temperament for it? 

Feel free to ignore - especially  if I’m misreading what you mean in your post. 

GrannyB!

Quilting brings calm, I guess I never quite looked at it that way. My son is a single dad of 4. When they visit their dad who lives here on this on the property. They come over for most meals. Breakfast lunch and dinner. I babysit for him when he works. The older 2 are 13 and 11, the younger 2 6 and 3. I spend quite a bit of quality time with them. The 11 year old reads everything he can about dementia and is quite inventive when redirecting his great Grandma! My son has already expressed that I can live with him if I end up with it. But he will hire someone to take care of me, including helping me wipe my butt. We have discussed this at great length! 

Quilting brings calm

Well you definitely aren’t ignoring  your grandchildren!  Sounds  like you might be a sandwich generation- taking care of your Mom and your grandkids.  Make sure you carve out time for you!

GrannyB!

I've joked about it and called it the "middle child syndrome"! The 11 year old said Grandma I thought it was a joke but I feel that "middle child syndrome" too! He texts a couple of times each day. One to ask how great Grandma and I are doing. And of course at our bedtime to say Goodnight Grandmas I love you! He has been known to visit and ask his Great Grandma to share pictures or bake and SENDS me to my room!! Lol Yes "me time" is a wonderful thing!

star26

Just a practical suggestion if you haven’t done so already: put a simple slide lock at the very top of the external doors so you don’t have to become the physical barrier to her leaving. Most PWD never see the lock. You could then step into another room if needed and maybe save yourself from some of the harsh words and a little of the stress. If it happens every evening, you might also see if her doctor could recommend a gentle medication to be given late in the day. If you can find any little improvement with some of these tough issues it may ease your stress level a bit and that in turn may keep others from recommending facility care. 

Mint

What a wonderful grandchild you are blessed with.  So caring and kind.

If  this disease ruins your health, then your son and grandchildren lose you, sounds like they need you.  Something I have noticed on here a lot is someone that is a caregiver becomes very ill once their LO dies. Feel that maybe there is a connection.  You are definitely in the middle of the sandwich.

You worry she will give up on life if in a facility.  Many on here who had that worry have found instead they thrive there.  Some have mentioned they could become a daughter again.

These are just some thoughts.  Wish you and your family  the best. Take care

GrannyB!

Thank you. I will see about getting my son to install those locks when we are out shopping.

GrannyB!

Thank you Sayra, I haven't looked at it that way. Something I need to consider.

MrsAnnabelLee

I definitely want to push back on the idea that moving a loved one into a facility is as cold as "palming them off to a stranger." My mom's quality of life increased tenfold once she moved. She suddenly had a community that she could feel a part of, rather than fearful in a group of people she could no longer keep up with mentally. She had meaningful activities she could participate in, rather than watching TV most of the day. The strangers who care for her are heroes who are compassionate, patient, and capable. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if my mom could exit dementia for an hour to discuss what is currently happening to her in her right mind, she would never choose for me to be her primary caregiver. She would want me to be her daughter, and focus most of my energy on being a mother to my kids. Our relationship has improved tremendously because I am back in the place of being her daughter.

Choosing to keep your LO with you as their caregiver is the right choice for some, and I have the utmost respect for those who do it, but I also want to assure you that you're not selfish or cold to consider other options should that time come. 

GrannyB!

Thank you Mrs.AnabellLee I appreciate your input regarding a facility setting. I will try to keep that in mind. When I and my brothers make the decision, to place her in a facility. Because I know I will feel like I somehow let her down! Knowing how others flourish in that type of environment, will lessen my worries.