How to validate mom's hoarding?

Wilted Daughter

As most of us know some behaviors are almost impossible to navigate through or around, hoarding is one of those behaviors.

I've been decluttering paper, clothes, household items to prepare for upcoming property insurance inspection. Mom is irrational when it comes to decluttering (throwing things out or donations) even when things are no longer used. She doesn't understand that insurance companies will not write polices for disrepair, stuff piled high, potential risks (her concept of risk is limited or non-existing).

I'm exhausted putting things out for trash and donation pickup (large black contractor bags). She has agitated outbursts and demands "we need to talk!" 

Sigh...I'll talked out.

harshedbuzz

This is best done behind her back. Can a some one take her/send her to a day program so you can work without her having to witness it?

One strategy that worked for me, by accident it seems, was to tell dad his stuff was in storage when we downsized him. He was in rehab when we did most of our purge. It was for quite some time until we knew what he and mom would need once they got a new place so it was even true for a time. 

Jane Smith

Hey Wilted Daughter, I have been meaning to tell you how much I admire your username. It really makes sense to me. Most days I feel one degree or other of “droop.”

I’m sorry to hear about the hoarding situation. I’ve been there with two family members and it’s HARD.

One relative is, like harshedbuzz’s dad, reassured by telling her that everything is safely packed away in the storage unit. It works for both specific remarks (where is the item?), to reassure her when she starts on one of her dementia loops (I moved here with only one suitcase and the clothes on my back; I know it was a hard move, relative J, and you know the rest of your things are all safely packed away in the storage unit and we can go there tomorrow and get whatever you want), and general anxiety like, where are all my things?  She is early to middle and can usually recall that she moved so that helps.   Before Covid, when the piles of stuff would get too big in her AL apartment, one of us would take her for a walk or something and the other one would de clutter. We can even do it when she is there as long as we are out of line of sight. She never ever misses anything, or notices that we have cleaned things up, as long as she doesn’t see us doing it. 

My suggestions would be, don’t bring the topic of cleaning up, do everything out of her sight, don’t let her see the trash/recycling bags, and don’t engage when she “wants to talk,” whether it’s about cleaning or anything at all.  I know it’s easier said than done. There are some techniques to try with validation and redirection/distraction and of course not everything works for everyone all the time. My mother could always be distracted with favorite foods or now, a walk.  My other relative can usually be redirected onto another topic of conversation.

I also wonder about a medication review and seeing if there is something to help with her anxiety?  Getting my mom’s meds straightened out and her anxiety levels down helped a lot with generalized distress (she was in a world of upset until we fixed it).  

The other thing that helped, which you may not want to hear and if so I’m sorry, was getting her out of her home and into a facility. (Less stuff, less space, a routine, 24/7 supervision, company, activities and outings organized for her, the communal dining room, and honestly, removing her from all the triggers in her home that I didn’t even know were problems, helped a massive amount.)

Of course that’s not the solution or an option for everyone, but it is what worked for us. 

I hope you can find something that helps. I’m so sorry.

Jane Smith

(Also it’s obviously harder on a deadline. Plus stress about an upcoming inspection and the insurance. Ugh.)

Dementia is irrational and it sucks.

M1

No additional answers but certainly empathy.  I took my partner with me on a run to the dump yesterday, just to get out of the house, and she was furious that I was throwing away a broken shovel (I can fix it!), and a poultry feeder and log carrrier, both rusted beyond repair.  It ruined the outing--not to mention that when we got to the dump, she hugged the maskless attendant, making me again the heavy on the COVID front-she just has no concept.  Just not worth it to take her out.  I've decided that most of the throwaways are just going to have to wait until after she's gone.

Wilted Daughter

Thank you all for your responses.  I do most cleaning up, clearing out in the am while she is asleep. She notices empty spaces and piles that are not as high as they once were. 

Do to accessibility, safety, and risks I can no longer turn a blind eye to hoarding. The inspection will serve as an opportunity to get it done now. As said if she is unable to adapt within a reasonable amount of time, then I will speak to her PCP about her anxiety. I agree no discussion is required, she doesn't like throwing things out so it pointless. 

There are over 20 bags of clothes ready for donation pickup tomorrow and a contractor will be scheduled to pickup some things and the rest on the curb/trash. I will repeat until I get to a place that appears to be "normal" living. Donation (clothes, houseware, textiles), put out trash weekly, and contractor as needed will be scheduled this month, and before I do further damage to myself (trigger finger, numbness in wrist/arm (carpal tunnel)). 

I'm not afforded the luxury of time and need to do things while I have the energy and/or abilities.

May you all have a happy Easter!