dealing with emotions/depression

melynnG

Hi, I'm Melissa, a divorced 56 year old who takes care of my 92 year old mom who has alzheimers. I do not live with her, she lives with my 91-year-old dad who is amazingly healthy but still very limited in the care he can provide for her. My dad doesn't drive so I have to do a lot for both of them. We have a paid daytime caregiver there for 4 hrs (10:30am - 2:30pm) M-F and paid night-time caregivers all week (10pm til 6am). I am extremely lucky to have this much help, as I have read the nightmarish tales of other caregivers who are the only live-in 24/7 caregiver for their parent with Alzheimers. Sometimes their parent is verbally abusive or thinks it's funny to get urine or feces on their adult child. Sometimes caregivers lose their life savings, career, house, or spouse/significant other in order to care for their parent. I don't have ANY of these challenges and I am still very depressed. For whatever reason, I have a LOT of anger about my situation but of course I conceal that from my parents and everyone else. When I am at my house, I do NOTHING. I don't work, I retired after 30 years at age 53. I was working a part-time job at Belks after that but that ended when mom's health took a dive last year and of course COVID. I have largely abandoned what little family and friends I have. The house is a mess. I watch youtube and eat chocolate covered raisins and Fritos. I rouse myself enough to go over to my parents' house in the late afternoon after the caregiver leaves at 2:30. I spoon-feed mom dinner every night and all meals on the weekends. I have to assist her in the bathroom and if she has a messy accident in her Depends, I put her in the shower. There is constant worry about her getting a UTI. Pneumonia is always a concern. And I have PTSD from being convinced multiple times in the last year that I somehow have just given my parents COVID (even though I never had it to my knowledge). I am on call 24/7. Am staying at my parents' house tonight because the caregiver can't come and my dad refuses to allow the home care agency to send "a stranger" to fill in, because he is sure this person is going to spend all night torturing mom and robbing them blind.  I feel like a weak person and I know I'm not doing nearly enough to take care of myself. I know I really need to talk to people who are also putting their lives on hold to take care of a parent's most intimate needs, so those of you out there, how do you manage to stop trying to slowly kill yourself? How do you stop being passively suicidal? How do you get rid of the anger and constant negative emotions? How do you stop feeling that since your mother and your aunt both died from Alzheimers, that you may well be experiencing a preview of your own death?? I need to get out and see people. COVID put an end to in-person support groups. I''ve got to try harder. 

dayn2nite2

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.  A step you could take to getting some help is either making an appointment with your doctor and telling him/her how you are feeling.  Can you do that?

If you don't have a doctor, the best thing to do would be to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or their web site https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/

star26

More than a few of us have started taking antidepressants since becoming caregivers. And that was before Covid. I’ve heard some support groups are being held on Zoom. I also occasionally sign up for a live Zoom gentle yoga class or similar to add a little structure to my day and have a little interaction with other non-elderly humans. Everything is difficult when one is depressed so take it easy on yourself about “trying harder”. You’re doing the necessities, the caregiving, which is a lot. Maybe just do 1 small thing a day for yourself in addition to that. Small: like schedule an appointment with your doctor, or take a walk outside.

Kath50

We are all in various stages and situations of this horrible disease. But it is overwhelming, stressful, depressing. Make yourself a priority and take care of yourself. Go for a walk, buy yourself something, go get some ice cream or a new blouse. Go shopping.  When my husband was home on Sunday, I went to DQ and got ice cream for everyone, we only live a few blocks away lol. But getting out on a pretty day, even if it was for a few minutes, did me good. I rarely leave my house.  On line support groups might help. Meds might help. Also, you need to be prepared for if something happens to your dad. My dad was very healthy and one day last summer he passed away suddenly. Instead of popping in on my parents, my mom has been with me the last 9 months. Never saw that coming! Be thankful you have help, a lot of us do not. I relate to the messy house. I have three kids living at home right now. It’s clean one day and then always something to do or pick up. Tackle one room at a time. It’ll make you feel better to have a clean house and it smelling good. I love candles and scentsy. And lastly, don’t worry about your own fate with dementia. Live your life one day at a time, try and enjoy it and don’t dwell on what may or not ever happen to you in your future. But please talk to someone if suicide goes from passive to active, in your thoughts.

melynnG

Thanks to everyone who responded. I am going to try to take your advice. You are most kind and I am grateful. You've given me some good things to consider. I am currently taking an anti-depressant and actually see an online counselor each week but is not really helping. Maybe because she's not experiencing what I am. Could be as simple as that. I will try to stay connected to this wonderful online community now that I know about it. Thank you again. I welcome any additional advice - it might help others too!

Cynbar

Connection with a counselor is individual and quite complex. It doesn't really reflect on her skills --- sometimes you build a strong relationship with a client and sometimes it just doesn't click. You need a counselor who has experience working with caregivers of frail elders, and you need one you relate to on a personal level. If yours isn't leading to progress, it's time to make a change. This happens all the time, and a good counselor will understand when it's not working for you. I've known people who have had to try two, three or even more before hitting on the right one ---- and only then do they get a breakthrough. Good luck, productive counseling sessions can be very helpful. And it wouldn't hurt to talk to your doctor about upping or changing your anti-depressant, too.

Iris L.

I have been where you are.  I am not a caregiver, I am a patient.  In addition to all of the above suggestions, I have a few more.  Read about Seasonal Affective Disorder, which causes depression itself or worsens depression from other causes.  SAD is due to the short winter days.  It's very important to get out in the DAYLIGHT, even in the winter.  If you can't get out, a 10,000 lumen lightbox for 30 minutes in the mornings may help.

Also, you might start walking.  I walked around my condo complex, then began to walk around the block.  It does help.  There is a park one block from me but I did not go for an entire year due to Covid restrictions.   I missed the green grass and trees and fresh air and the ducks.  It's important to see LIFE.

Another thing that helped me very much with depresdion and isolation was chatting with other members on the chat room.  The chat rooms used to be busy every evening, mostly with caregivers but a few of us patients chatted also.  Chatting is free, it's in real time, you don't have to get dressed or leave the house, and best of all, you're chatting with people who know exactly what you're going through.  

Chat room is not so busy now.  Set a time, such as 5 pm pacific time, and invite others to join you.  I consider the chat room to be a very valuable underappreciated resource for anyone dealing with dementia!

Also, try to eat real food.  Don't live on candy.  I had lived on doughnuts, muffins and cookies for a long time.  I made myself smoothies with skim milk and frozen berries, it was like eating an ice cream shake.  It took a while, but I gradually got off the sweets.

Don't beat yourself up.  There's only so much that can be done.  If you pray, ask God to help you and to meet your needs for today.  

No one thing will help, but put a plan together.  Take it step by step.  You can feel better!  Post here every day.  Members here truly care.  I'll be watching for your posts.  Become active.  We are here Melissa! 

 Iris L.

abc123

Dear Melissa, welcome to our family. Read as many post as possible. You will learn a great deal. We are truly like a family because we care about each other and support each other as much as possible. There are many people here with years of experience as caregivers. Some of them are wise and kind and freely share their knowledge. Just so you know, Iris is one of those people. She is dearly loved.  

You have every right to your feelings. Listen to them. Do you have a Plan B set up for your parents? At their age you may need it much sooner than you think. Good luck!

MimiMinder

Dear Melissa,

I am so glad you wrote and reached out. Two years ago I experienced a period of massive depression/anxiety triggered by selling my mother's house and finally realizing she was never coming home. Things were so incredibly hard and sad and overwhelming that I could no longer make simple decisions. But little by little, I was able to claw out from under that fog and today I am stronger and healthier than I have ever been. So, from one who has been in the pits of despair, know that you are not alone and you are stronger than you think!

My mother has ALZ as did her mother. I am not assuming I will have it too; I am actively trying to keep my brain sharp. I joined AARP and have taken advantage of their on-line classes, including yoga, dance, and presentations by leading professors. I looked at my nutrition and really read the labels. What was I putting in my body? If I can't pronounce it and have no idea what it is, I probably shouldn't be eating it. I am also writing a one sentence positive thought or intention for the day. Journaling sounded like more than I could handle, but one sentence works for now! 

Today's sentence (You go, girl!) will by my motivation to get that load of laundry started, to wash those dishes, and to be kind and loving to my mother when she wakes up. She lives with me now, but that's another story for another day.

Sending a virtual hug ~ Diana

TammyCA

Like you, I am also very fortunate with my situation. I was able to transition my mom to an assisted living facility with a memory support program about 2 years ago that is very close to my home. She is settled and well cared for in the facility and has the resources to support her stay there. I am able to continue to work full time. She still remembers who I am and shows trust in letting me make necessary decisions. For now. Again, I'm incredibly fortunate in the face of this awful disease.  I follow the challenges and struggles other caregivers face and feel like there is nothing I should complain about.  And yet, like you, I still find myself battling waves of anxiety and depression. With each visit, I see and feel the loss of my mom as I knew her. I seem to register every little decline and it stays with me sometimes for days after a visit. I exercise regularly which is a huge tool in managing my emotions and mental state but it's an ongoing struggle. Focus on the things you can control and recognize those you can't. This message board has many supportive caregivers with lots of wisdom and experience. While I don't comment often, I have learned a tremendous amount and gained much perspective here.  You are not weak - keep persevering and look for ways to take better care of you so you can continue to provide the loving support to your parents.

Iris L.

Hello Melissa, how are you today?  I hope you and your mom are having a good day.  I hope to "see" you here soon.  Post when you can.

Iris

melynnG

Hello Iris & Everyone-  A couple of days ago I said I was grateful for the kind comments and advice I'd received from this forum, and since then the kindness and support has just continued. I am now overwhelmed with gratitude. I have been carefully reading everyone's comments and for once I feel like something's helping!  And I'm not just sitting around reading comments. If you don't hear from me, it's because I am turning words into action. Am working on eating healthier - had some grapes and baby carrots today for a snack. I got the dirty dishes out of the sink and mowed my front lawn (killed 2 birds with one stone: my neighbors like me better and I got some exercise!) The backyard will be for another day, lol. Who knows what I'll do tomorrow. Probably straighten up my bedroom. Just know that I am not letting your words, support, and kindness go to waste. If I get "down" sometimes, I will read or reread this thread. Thank you again, and I hope that others have been helped by your words as well!