One box of Kleenex later...

Lynne D

Tonight he said “I am glad I still remember you.” 

I cannot stop crying. I do not care if he smells like a homeless person, pisses all over the floor or leaves the water running. He has shown me more love than anyone and brought joy and fun to my life. It is breaking my heart that he knows how this disease is pushing us apart. 

What do you call this, anticipatory grief? I just want to lie next to him but my sobbing would alarm him. I know I am not alone. 

Thank you, you courageous loving warriors, for understanding what no one else can.

Mint

(((Lynne)))

Crushed

I send you my favorite poem :
 And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

“Late Fragment” by Raymond Carver From A New Path to the Waterfall, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989.

Ed1937

Lynne, I'm so sorry. This stuff is so relentless.

Jeff86

Heart-breaking.  But beautiful, too.  I think you’ll cherish that, always.

Yes, we understand, Lynne.  Tears in my eyes for your loss, and for all of our losses.

Lorita

Lynn, it's a hard thing to deal with.  We just have to enjoy every minute we have with them.  It is anticipatory grief - called The Long Goodbye.  You'll always remember what he said and be thankful for that moment he did remember.

jfkoc

no...it's real grief not anticipatory...it hurts

JDancer

Yes, it's grief. Grief is a response to loss and this disease causes plenty. I grieve daily.

Birdies

Hi Lynn,

We are right there with you... and in the thick of it now with my mom.  My Dad and I are each figuring out our own ways to cope with the daily changes and the sadness they bring.

Hugs to you

eaglemom

Your words have touched quite a few of us. We can relate on so many different levels. Grief is personal but we all go through it. Thank you for sharing.

eagle

Beachfan

Lynne,

Cherish what your DH said to you and hold it in your heart  for future reference. I can’t begin to remember when my DH no longer recognized me.  People ask, “Does he know you?” and I say, “No, but he knows I’m supposed to be here.”  Even that is fading with time.  He goes where I take him, he tries to process what I ask him to do, he allows me to care for him without question, but I think anyone could take my place and he wouldn’t notice.  It’s very sad, but I try not to think about it.  I figure I have been grieving his loss since his diagnosis in May, 2010. Stay strong; you are not alone.   

janeymack

So sorry, Lynne. We are here for you.

David J

Lynn I don’t know what to say that hasn’t been said. This is a long lonely trek we are all on, and the loss of our LOs, a little bit at every step, is heartbreaking. When I can’t stand the pain, this forum lifts me up so I can go on.  I hope it works the same for you too.

anneleigh

Lynn, hugs! Cherish those sweet words!