Mom refuses to go to doctor

TaraAggie97

My mom is in the early-to-middle stages of Alzheimer’s dementia (we think) and won’t allow my father and I to take her to a doctor. We have no idea what is wrong with her because we can’t get her in to see a neurologist (her PCP said that she needs to see a neurologist because she did poorly on some cognitive screening tools). 

Lately, she has become increasingly angry and OCD about things.  She is becoming more and more difficult to be around and my dad gets the brunt of her hostility.  

When and how do we get help for her if she refuses to admit that there is a problem?  

What happens if she becomes physically aggressive and attempts to hurt my dad?  

She really is becoming confused and possibly combative.  I see the hostility in her eyes and it scares me.

Nanpr

Hi there! Thank you for sharing!  I’m new to this forum, but when reading your post, it sounds so much like my mom. She has become OCD, she fixates on things and becomes hostile to my brother and I. She also has delusions at times. She lives on her own, and we worry about her safety. My mom has said to my brother and I when combative that ‘I know you think I’m crazy’. We have never uttered those words to her. She also gets a different look in her eyes when she is combative or hostile, it scares me too. She also doesn’t feel like she needs to see a dr. For the most part she is able to take care of herself, but not to the degree she once was able to. It is so difficult to know what to do. I can relate to all your questions. I really hope someone can help shed some light for us!

Sheryl M

You and Nanpr have a very similar situation to what my husband, his sister and I are currently facing with their mother.  I posted this on the chat room this morning but have not received any replies...

I am hoping to assist my husband and his sister with their parents, both of whom have dementia. Their father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and is very conscientious about his meds and his own care. Their mother was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years ago. We just found out last summer about this diagnosis. She refuses to accept this although both her brothers have passed from Alzheimer's. We desperately want her to see a neuropsychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis so she can begin medication. She's already canceled 2 appointments with the specialist. Each time the appt draws near, she comes down with an 'illness'. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to coax her to move forward? She is very headstrong and is having serious anxiety about so many issues. However, she also hates taking medication and will 'exhibit' every symptom related to any medication's possible side effects. We are so worried about her and don't know how to move forward to finally convince her she needs a diagnosis and medication.   She pesters and complains to her husband and is making his condition even worse.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! 

Mint

Don’t have solutions for you as I’m in the canoe with you guys.  Some here may come along with some suggestions that might work for you.  Know some have used fiblets such as insurance requirement etc. My mom is way to sharp to be fooled, could care less if she even has insurance etc.  When she had a stroke, refused to go to hospital when I called squad, got her to hospital a week later, refused all meds at hospital and very aggressive with staff accusing them of making things up. Wish there was some way to reason with my mom but there isn’t.

harshedbuzz

TaraAggie97 wrote:

My mom is in the early-to-middle stages of Alzheimer’s dementia (we think) and won’t allow my father and I to take her to a doctor. We have no idea what is wrong with her because we can’t get her in to see a neurologist (her PCP said that she needs to see a neurologist because she did poorly on some cognitive screening tools). 

It's hard. I thought I was going to have to sneak up behind my dad with a chloroform-soaked rag. At least you dad wants an evaluation; I didn't have that kind of cooperation. 

It would probably help to stop talking about it or reasoning with her. Perhaps you could make the appointment and frame it as validating her feelings. Tell her you don't believe she needs to see a neurologist and are seeking a second opinion to clear it off her records. This worked for me when I needed dad to see a geriatric psychiatrist after a lifetime of denigrating the profession and those who seek help.

Lately, she has become increasingly angry and OCD about things.  She is becoming more and more difficult to be around and my dad gets the brunt of her hostility.  

When and how do we get help for her if she refuses to admit that there is a problem?  

She may never admit to a problem. Many people with dementia also have ansognosia which is a condition in which the person with dementia or mental illness can not recognize that they've had a shift in cognition. In her mind, she may be just the same as always and find your machination to prove otherwise to be gaslighting.

You may need a Plan B. One plan B is to bring in a neurologist for a consult if she's admitted to the hospital for something else. 

What happens if she becomes physically aggressive and attempts to hurt my dad?  

The Plan B for this is to have her transported to the hospital in your region that has a geriatric psychiatric service. You'll need to know ahead of time which hospital that is. She could be worked up there and presumably medicated to help her with the emotions that drive this behavior. 

Meantime, you should go through the house and remove/lock up anything which can be weaponized- guns, knives, heavy pans, golf clubs, bats, tables that could be thrown. Your dad should have a charged cell phone on his persona at all times and a lockable room into which he can go. 

She really is becoming confused and possibly combative.  I see the hostility in her eyes and it scares me.

Good luck.

HB

MrsAnnabelLee

PP's suggestion to tell her you want to clear her record from the first doctor is a great idea. As much as you can through this process, try to frame things as you two being on the same team working toward the same goal. 

You can worry about what happens at the appointment, and those things when they happen. Right now, getting her in the door is most important. You can also call the neuro office ahead of time and tell them the story you're telling your mother so they can mirror that language to her. 

sunseeker

I can relate to all of this with my mom.  We have a geriatric psychiatrist appointment scheduled for next Friday.  All was fine as I told her we needed a second opinion because she doesn't like her PCP.  Then the PCP who made the referral (that I requested) called her at home and asked how the appointment went with the psychiatrist and she's been off the rails since.  I didn't tell her it was a psychiatrist and we haven't had the appointment yet so I'm trying to repair that damage and convince her to go.  Her condition has gotten much worse with COVID as she has gotten much more fearful.  That has turned to suspicion, distrust and she's digging in her heels on her false beliefs and delusions.  And she is getting mean.  We had a bad experience with an insensitive neurologist just before COVID started.  How in the world she remembers that experience and nothing else simply amazes me but it's made doctor appointments difficult.  At this point my plan is to tell her we are going for a second opinion and if we don't like what is said then "we're walking out of there right away".  Of course, I'm just trying to get on her level of thinking so I'm hoping that if she knows we can escape then she will go.  May be wishful thinking.  Problem with this disease is there is no easy answer and everyone has to figure out (usually the hard way) what to say, what not to say, what triggers, etc.  Ugh, God bless us all and our LO's too!

Teresag56

My mom is the same way. She will go to the doctors appointments no problems..but does not listen or believe what they say. The neurologists made my mom read her diagnosis back to him off the computer scree. She has never acknowledged she has anything wrong. When Dr said she had to have 24hr care 7 days a week...I was staying with her at the time. She would not hear if me taking care of her or hiring help for her. She went in to assisted living stayed for 2 years...now she is living  with me. She refuses to wear hearing aides or her glasses. .says she is fine nothing wrong with her she is just old. The agency I use for home health told me to pick my battles...mom is on no medication...she is steadly getting worse her memory is gone...she is having a hard time seeing and hearing...but she refuses help in those areas....so I don't argue with her...

Teachertee

Tara Aggie and others to follow,

I'm sorry you are facing with this.  Good ideas and suggestions here, and even though we don't all have clear cut answers, it does help knowing we are not alone in facing these challenges with our loved ones.  

My mom was diagnosed with dementia in January and I went to her appointment with the neurologist in late December.  We knew there were challenges with her memory and getting lost while driving (even to well known or frequently visited locations), and she had seen this doctor before I went with her.

She recently went back to an appointment there and my father took her, but he promised he would wait in the waiting room (not sure why- he said he wanted her to feel most comfortable) and now she's unhappy with the neurologist because he doesn't take vital signs.  She either wants to see a different doctor or get the Aricept from her primary care physician.  I told my father that he, my sister or I need to attend all other appointments in the future and she definitely needs to see a neurologist.  

Also maybe the paperwork and test results don't need to be shared with the loved one...this seems to trigger conflict.  My mother is forgetting the diagnosis and gets upset when reminded what was said about the dementia.

Good luck to all of you / us facing this.  It's not easy and it most likely will not get better, but I hope we all find the best ways to deal with things and keep everything as calm as possible while getting the best care for our loved ones.

sunseeker

So I was successful in getting my mom to the doctor.  I didn't tell her where we were going until we pulled into the parking lot.  Of course at that point my mom said that if she knew we were going to the doctor, she would have never gotten in my car.  I owe thanks again to people in this forum that suggested I take her to a geriatric psychiatrist  She was patient and kind with my mom and wants an MRI to see the extent of her issues and hopefully determine the best meds for her delusions and anxiety.

harshedbuzz

sunseeker-

Strong work on getting your mom the help she needs. I am so glad it worked out.

My dad saw a big gun neurologist and his residents while in the hospital and then a highly qualified MD/PhD at the memory center- none of them were particularly warm or empathetic. I think because one of dad's dementias was alcohol-related there was a kind of a feeling he was being treated for a self-inflicted injury. This frostiness extended to my mom and me, too. 

Dad had two different geripsychs and both were warm, empathetic and engaging. I wish we'd started there instead.

HB