Tired of being the bad guy

amicrazytoo

Arrgggh.  DH just hung up on me. I am at work and he is at home. He wanted to know where the keys to his van are. I told him I have them and said to him "You should not be driving." He said  he is just as good a driver as I am, to which I replied that,Yes, you used to be. He then said "have a nice day." and hung up.  I swear I am doing everything in my power to stay calm, yet all I seem to get in return is hostility. I'm so tired, I suppose I want to get some appreciation for all that I do, from him, and I know it's just not going to happen. I'm tired of the battle. I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I would so love to let him take back the driving, I miss that, I want him to drive, but our lives are more important than my desire for what used to be. I don't believe there is any disease that matches the destruction that this one causes.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Nowhere

How difficult these situations are! Unfortunately there are no good answers. He can’t drive and you can’t explain why not. This disease is a horrible disease that causes caregivers to have to therapeutically lie about something we would much rather explain and tell our loved ones about so they could understand as we must. Alzheimer’s is an unfair foe at every level; slowly killing and erasing our loved one’s life while forcing us caregivers to anxiously walk among a mine field of emotions and loss. 

My husband just emailed me from memory care asking that I just come “save him” because he wants “his freedom”. I’m to bring a lawyer and that he’s not kidding! I’m wondering if he’ll break yet another window. Mine can’t hold onto a single thought. When he wrote this, I think he believes I live down the hall and he wants a divorce and his freedom because we must be separated. I don’t know how his new found friend deals with this? He thinks she is me 50% of the time.  Maybe/hopefully he’s peaceful in her company, but I wonder?! Alzheimer’s is absolutely a horrid disease. 

Amicrazytoo, I have no comfort to give you, except to say that I understand and you’re not alone in your frustrations!  Take a deep breath. Find something that you can do constructively to release your anger. Good luck to you.., 

JJAz

"suppose I want to get some appreciation for all that I do, from him"

It seems like you are not completely at the point of 'acceptance' in this disease, and that makes it hard.  At some point, you will be there and will not longer be resentful.  If you find that you can't make the transition to acceptance, then you might need to consider memory care for your husband.  Otherwise, this disease can tear you apart.

JDancer

Accept? 

I'm losing everything I love, everything I've planned and work towards... 

No, I must admit, I have not accepted it. And, yes, it's destroying me.

Donr

JDancer wrote:

Accept? 

I'm losing everything I love, everything I've planned and work towards... 

No, I must admit, I have not accepted it. And, yes, it's destroying me.

I could have written your reply. 

sandwichone123

Sometimes I don't answer the question (where are my keys), and just respond to the emotion. Oh gosh, are they missing again. When I get home I will help you find...whatever: your keys, what you need, whatever he wants to go get, etc.

If you keep responding with reason you will keep being the bad guy, but if you can respond to the feelings and not the facts you can maintain some sense of relationship.

Diane

HSW

If you still have 2 vehicles, my suggestion for next time is to say ..."let me check, sorry I must have grabbed them by accident but I will be home in a few hours, did you want to go somewhere" or "sorry I left them at the office by mistake."

If he isn't a car guy, you don't need the van and he won't call for someone to fix it, maybe try disabling the van in such a way that it won't start and you can give him the keys back. Eventually he should associate it as broken and you can get rid of it.

The why he needed the car is likely important. My DH expected to go to the post office when he wanted to go to the post office and would walk if we did not immediately leave. Fine exercise if your not wearing new work boots. 

Crushed

Donr wrote:

JDancer wrote:

Accept? 

I'm losing everything I love, everything I've planned and work towards... 

No, I must admit, I have not accepted it. And, yes, it's destroying me.

I could have written your reply. 

I certainly felt the same way  until I went to Auschwitz.  The enormity of the horror, the fragility of our hopes and dreams and the sheer brutality of their experience forced a reset in my brain. I have tried ever since to be incredibly grateful for the years we had.  I often fail and feel the bitterness rising.  I am only human.  But I try each day to recall something wonderful and special I shared with my lovely wife and it gives me strength to go on. 

French

«   If you find that you can't make the transition to acceptance, then you might need to consider memory care for your husband.  Otherwise, this disease can tear you apart.« 

I also react to this sentence. I think I will never accept nor admit. I have been advised by the neuropsychologist who follow us to consider memory care before the end of the year. She has noticed that he is very happy at the daycare but not at home where he is alone when I work and also the weekend because I need a lot of time for the chores, the children, the garden, filling the fridge and administrative procedures (i wouldn’t have imagined that disabled people have so many procedures to do each month to continue to have subsidies). But I also know it is not only a question of time. I can’t accept my caregiver role. I try to do it, but I am always as if trying to go out of this spider web.

Yes crushed when compared to holocaust, dementia is a very small challenge. But still it doesn’t help me to be positive... and no mean to go to Auschwitz for the moment.

amicrazytoo

Thank you for all the replies. I am not alone. Deep breath, one foot in front of the other. Some days are easier than others. I know full well that I am at a place that has not reached the worst yet. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself, but God how must DH feel, losing his memories. I love him with every part of me. I will be by his side as long as I possibly can.