How to approach guilt of a loved one

Jason123

I’m hoping someone here can give me some advice. My girlfriend is 26, and her father was recently diagnosed with early onset in the past couple years. She doesn’t like to talk about it much, and for the most part tries to hide her feelings down deep - until recently. She expressed to me that she believes his disease is all her fault. That her mistakes and actions as an adolescent caused him so much stress that it accelerated his brain deterioration. She’s kept this thought to herself for over a year, and has completely convinced herself it is her fault and if she was a better daughter he wouldn’t be how he is now. I’m hoping that someone here can give me advice on how to handle the situation, as no matter how much I plea to her it can’t possibly be her fault she doesn’t believe me. She knows I don’t know enough about the disease to convince her otherwise, so I’m hoping there may be some articles, facts or other resources that can help her understand the burden is not on her. She’s been carrying this weight everyday.

sandwichone123

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear this. I have no ideas for reversing her ideas. One thing I've done with success sometimes is partly buy into it. You'll know better than I how she would take this, but I might try something like, "Yeah, you were much worse than most teenagers. I know no one you knew as a teen was as wild as you were," or something like that. It can help someone get some perspective on the situation instead of pushing back against someone who's disagreeing with them.

jfkoc

My best advice is to acknowledge her fear and to then suggest that both of you go online to see what the causes of AD are. Just google AD causes.

OutsideLookingIn

I haven't experienced this, so I'm just making a semi-educated suggestion.  Perhaps an appointment with a dementia specialist (the one who diagnosed her mom, if he/she's truly a dementia specialist) could educate and reassure her.  Some areas have nurse practitioners who specialize in dementia and they can frequently be more willing/able to talk long enough to be of value.  If talking to the doctor, perhaps the last appointment of the day could allow more time to talk.

I can't imagine how hard this is on your girlfriend and on you.  I hope she can find reassurance that it was nothing she did.

OLI

Quilting brings calm

Have her google ‘ understanding the dementia experience’ and also buy the book ‘the 36 hour day’.   I think early onset dementia is more like”y caused by either a genetic issue or a physical cause than anything else.

GothicGremlin

I also heartily recommend "Understanding the Dementia Experience" - definitely a go-to for me.  Do a search for it online and you'll find it.  It's a PDF.

I'm so sorry your girlfriend has so much guilt around this.  It's not her fault.  If the two of you ca swing it, I recommend seeing a therapist, even for only a couple of sessions.  I saw a therapist for awhile after my sister was diagnosed (also with early-onset).  In my case, I didn't know anything about Alzheimer's so I found a therapist who used to be a social worker, and had worked for 20 years helping Alzheimer's patients and their caregivers.  If you can find someone with similar qualifications, he/she might be able to help your girlfriend realize it's nothing she did, and the therapist will have the info to back up those claims.

Deanna_M

Jason123, I commend you for reaching out and seeking ways to support your girlfriend. It must be heartbreaking for you to witness her struggling with guilt. You may have luck reaching out to your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. They have social workers on staff that may be able to speak with your girlfriend. 

I have had really good luck with the social workers in our local chapter. In fact, one of the social workers met with my pre-teen daughter to discuss dementia and why her grandma (my mother) was acting the way she was. It was excellent for my daughter to hear from someone who understood the dementia experience and could explain it at a level my daughter could understand. I also have met with a social worker through the Alz Association; it was a tremendously helpful meeting. Encouraging and supportive, yet grounded in facts and much-needed information.

Iris L.

Jason123 wrote:

 She expressed to me that she believes his disease is all her fault. That her mistakes and actions as an adolescent caused him so much stress that it accelerated his brain deterioration. She’s kept this thought to herself for over a year, and has completely convinced herself it is her fault and if she was a better daughter he wouldn’t be how he is now. 

We all have things from our past that we could have done a different way.  But those adolescent bumps in the road do not cause dementia.  If only they did, then we'd know that good teenaged behavior was a preventive.  But alas, that would be too easy.  

Most causes are genetic and a few other things, probably cumulative, over years.  She is not alone.  The members of this message board are her peers, regardless of age.  She can learn a lot from them and receive much support.  I hope she reads the suggested online material and interacts with the members.  It does help.  

Iris L.

Rosazul

It is not her fault.  But if she's stuck on that? How about this?

"What do you need so you can give yourself permission to forgive yourself so you can lay this burden down?"

RosaAzul