Loved one seeks reassurance for every action

Quilting brings calm

My LO seems to think that she either needs permission or forgiveness for every action she takes.   I get multiple phone calls a day. ‘ we used the credit card at the store- is that ok?  We went to a restaurant to eat- should we have?  ( the director at the ASL is now saying stores and uncrowded restaurants are ok to go do - no quarantine afterwards).  The Readers Digest  sent a renewal offer with her magazine / did she do something wrong?  The ‘did she do something wrong’ is a daily question.

It’s also not good enough to reassure her once per call. No, we have to have the same question and answer exchange 10 times in a 10 minute call.   

It’s been a particularly bad week for this kind of daily reassurance call.  She’s sounded very unsure of herself and confused this week.  I would say she is a stage 4 as she is doing her ADLs.  Just not good at the IADLs.  

Is this constant need for permission, reassurance or need for forgiveness part of the dementia?  Or is it more of an anxiety issue?  I feel like I’m talking to a 8 year old who got caught doing something wrong. I also wonder why my step-dad ( lives with her at the ASL)  isn’t dealing with these questions. 

GothicGremlin

I feel ya.  My sister does this to me all the time - also usually coupled with "I think so and so is mad at me". No one is ever mad at her. This behavior is relatively new (maybe a month?), so I'm thinking it's probably part of the Alzheimer's.

It's also probably part of her personality. She's always been a rule-follower and has looked for approval from others.  I think her Alzheimer's has just accentuated that personality trait. 

I also think stress/anxiety might be a contributor, so I made an appointment with her doctor for this upcoming week to discuss and see what should be done, if anything.

Sunset Retailhawk

I have noticed my mom has been doing this more & more recently as well...asking permission when none is needed but she can't remember that.  It was not a part of her personality before, but thank you for mentioning this, because it makes me think it must be a symptom of dementia she, and by default I, are both now experiencing.  I have no suggestions as of yet, but have noticed this a lot more lately too.  So far the best strategy that can sometimes decrease a repetitive question is a simple sign that gives permission, but often that can be easier said than done...

Wondering what strategies other might have come up with... Thanks.

vtgsell

I'm also grateful you posted this.  My mother has been doing exactly the same since coming home from rehab after a hip fracture about 2 weeks ago.  She was living independently before with daily assistance from me but is now at my home.  This is not a permanent solution for my family, and the constant need for assurance and permission makes me concerned that she would not be successful alone any more.  The only time she acts independently is in the middle of the night but the things she chooses to do are not safe for her.  I have taken to sleeping in the bed with her to hear when she gets up, but sometimes I don't wake till she calls for me because she has gone somewhere and doesn't know what to do next.  

I was searching the forum for this topic when your post popped up.  I guess its good to know this is another part of the dementia process.  I would also be interested in knowing ways others have had success, if any, in providing proactive reassurances so that their loved one feels confidence.   

Whyzit

Oh yes, it is happening here too. The need for reassurance is excessive and I wonder if it goes along with regression in cognitive age as when we were children we were taught to ask permission to do everything. Any thoughts on this idea?

Quilting brings calm

It’s good to know I’m not alone. Based  on the fact that several of you have noticed it, I must assume it a normal symptom of this disease. 

Whyzit - it may be regression in function.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s because they are still able  to realize their brains don’t work and they just don’t know what the correct thing to do should be.  I have a feeling this is a temporary stage and will disappear when they no longer recognize their brains are broken. 

mommyandme (m&m)

My mom won’t do anything like puzzles, writing, reading, folding, sorting, etc... because of her fear of doing it wrong. She was (is) a judge mental perfectionist so a I figure it’s her normal, just accentuated.