Blues for Saturday

Jeff86

We all know that with our LO’s there are good days and not so good days, and indeed within any given day good moments and not so good moments.

Today was a not so good day, with my DW’s anxiety apparently ratcheted up.

This morning, I left her in the kitchen for a few moments while I took care of a couple of things upstairs.  When I came back down, she was out the door, in a bathrobe and barefoot, trying to walk on a gravel driveway, in 30 degree weather.

I gently led her back into the warm house, sat her down and put a blanket around her.  A few minutes later, looking into the back hall, she said, “There’s a white animal in the house.”  I called our dog, who came happily trotting in.  DW did not recognize the dog.  I petted the dog and asked DW, who has lived with dogs her whole life, if she would like to pet the dog.  DW declined, saying she might get bitten.  By our seven-year-old English golden retriever?  Really?

Of course, I dropped it.

A few minutes later DW said, “I have no idea who I am.”

All this before breakfast.  And in the afternoon, it was the repeated refrain, “I’m afraid.”  Mixed in, occasionally, with “You won’t leave me, will you?”  I make every effort to reassure, but non-rational fears are not responsive to rational reassurances.

It’s like the lines from the old Monkees song:

I guess I should have stayed in bed

My pillow wrapped around my head.....

Just a rant.  Not even a rant really.  More like a sad journal entry.

ladyzetta

(((Dear Jeff))) You are a real good caregiver for your DW, that was real sweet of you to wrap a blanket around her.  Like you said you have good days and not so good days. After today you will have a better day tomorrow.  Happy Easter to you and your DW. Hugs Zetta

David J

Hey Jeff, Again I say “I could have written this”. The same getting into trouble if I turn my back, the same irrational fear, the same pleading with me not to leave.  Same confusion about who we all are: me, the dog, and even herself. Different details of the day, but you know exactly what it’s like. Perversely, it helps me to know you are dealing with the same things at the same time. You understand. You hang in there and so will I. 

M1

I'm so sorry Jeff.  May tomorrow be a better day.

Joe C.

Jeff, My Sunday morning is starting similar to your Saturday. DW was awake at 4:30 with fears of people trying to get into the house, wanted to get up and go. Fortunately her morning medication have calmed her down, hopefully long enough for me to walk the dog.

ButterflyWings

{{{Jeff86}}}- Sending you hugs. The blues indeed. Your post made think of so many titles to blues songs that illustrate moments throughout our day. We just had a blues Saturday also, but with different surprises from yours. DH is also totally dependent on me, and just as confused as your DW, but he is irritated about that. Wants to go and do, often on the spur of the moment with delusional thinking and hallucinations driving his plans, and has been increasingly unhappy that it seems to require my constant presence and intervention for life to work. DH is seriously not happy about that, and he is taking it out on the nearest person...of course, that's me. Rude, snappy, really out of character from his pre-AD personality. He actually balled up his fist at me 2 days ago and I wasn't within hitting distance, but I hope we don't ever get to that point. I was more sad than afraid, to see that response peek out.

I am trying to keep line of sight while we're awake, sleeping with one eye open in case he gets up and wanders/rummages (the burglar alarm is always on...it has alerted me to doors and windows opening as he tried to exit or he would have been outside half dressed in bad weather like your LO). It requires constant redirection and my skills often don't seem equal to his constant maneuvering. Then, we actually did have to go somewhere on a specific schedule yesterday, and he instead went total 3-yr old uncooperative with me to the point I wanted to scream (but at myself really, for expecting rational responses from an irrational brain). We missed our 2nd shot in part because if I say yes, he says no; he says stop, if I say go. Is that from a song? "I ain't got nothin but the blues" right now, for sure. I think that's a line from "Don't Get Around Much Anymore".  All very true for us and it won't improve. That is enough to give anyone the blues. I hope today is a better day for us all.

LadyTexan

Yes, some days are harder than others. 

I was under the weather yesterday. Thanks to my sister I was able to take a long nap in the afternoon. She brought DH lunch.

Later in the day, DH was gruff and unhappy. Clearly he was upset with me. He finally stated he was mad at me for leaving him all day. I was here the whole time, albeit sleeping for a couple of hours. He remained upset. I tried to reassure him. I told him I would be sure he is always cared for, always fed and always safe. 

You all are care giver heroes. God bless you.

Edited to add Sunday Blues --

DH is especially unsettled today. I am not quire 100% yet. I really need to take it easy today. As you all know, there is really no such thing when care giving. We are "on" all the time. Almost every time I feel like I can sit and relax for 10 minutes DH wants something. 

If it is a true need, I am on it, for example bathroom assistance. Even if it is a minor want, for example another cup of coffee, I am on it because not providing what he wants, when he wants it, just turns the switch and suddenly he is in a foul mood.

I am grateful he is not wandering out into the cold. I am grateful he is not crying. My road is not as hard as most of you right now. However, DH still requires 100% supervision. 

I wish you better days both today and tomorrow. Much love from Texas.

-LT

Lynne D

 “I have no idea who I am.”

Heartbreaking. Sending you hugs and hope that tomorrow is easier.