Feel so alone

DWck

Today started out so good. I made a nice Easter brunch for DH and me. Then a Zoom call with my family 700 miles away. I never had children so seeing and speaking with my brother, SIL and two adult nieces and their kids should have made my day. It was just a reminder of how alone I will be after DH is gone. He can hardly walk anymore and is unable to carry on a conversation. He has been my world for 40 years. How do you deal with regrets? It seems like every day I read or hear about how wonderful family is and it makes me cry. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change —-. I know. Guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself and need to snap out of it. Thanks for listening.

lqadams

I understand how you feel. My Mom, Dad and both sisters are deceased. We have one daughter who lives in Colorado, we are in Arizona. She is compassionate and listens,  but until you experience the every day chores it is hard to truly comprehend how difficult life is. I told her that I feel like I am the only employee working in a nursing home. I am exhausted and I know there is no relief in sight.

My husband's Lewy Body Dementia is progressing quickly. Needs help showering, getting dressed, help with hygiene.  He has incontinence,  so bed sheets, pads etc need stripped, washed, hung up to dry and bed remade every day. With his severe incontinence we are unable to travel, to go to Colorado and visit.

Like your LO, my husband does  not talk. He sits in recliner all day long with eyes closed. Occasionally he will use walker and do sit on our front deck. I ask him what he is thinking and he always says "nothing".

Life is lonely even tho my husband is always here.. Sometimes  I think God is preparing me for my future alone. Making me think about the future and what I  do

Lorita

HI,

I'M feeling the same way today.  Charles and I never had children either. He's been gone more than six years. Since then I've lost my sister and a  close cousin.  Last week I lost my Barclee ((Shih Tzu) we'd had for 19 years.  The house seems so empty and quiet.  Nothing to look forward to  except more of the same.

I'm  sorry for  the way you feel.  Tomorrow will be better.

DWck

Thanks Lorita. So sorry for your loss. We lost our maltese/shitzu girl last September at age 13. I miss her every day. DH asks every day if we’re getting another dog but at this point it would just be too much work. Then he forgets, for a while. Hope you are feeling better about things today and that you will find something to look forward to. It’s so difficult.

Crushed

I spent Easter with my two  wonderful daughters their fine husbands and all five grandchildren. A great time was had by all.    But I came home and cried and felt just as lonely.  We are married 46 years in May.  She has no idea who I am.  I can see her shell but SHE is gone.

You keep hoping you will wake from the nightmare.

And some days the grief just consumes you. 

David J

In March I had my yearly physical and also the yearly visit from a nurse doing evaluation for the insurance company. Both asked a series of psychological questions: How many times during the last month have you felt lonely?  How many times have felt sad or depressed?  Have you felt like hurting yourself?  

If I had answered truthfully they probably would have locked me up. 

Jeff86

Yesterday was a less bad day.  Numerous times my DW told me she loves me and how handsome I am (that’s the dementia speaking!).  When she said she wanted to go home, I asked her what home looks like.  She couldn’t say, and asked me where I was going to be.  I told her “here” and she said, “That’s where I want to be.”

Still, she asked me if I know where her husband is.  Overnight, she’d soaked through her adult diaper and the pads and sheets had to be washed.  She declined to eat dinner.

Easter is a season of joy, of hope and renewal and rebirth and growth.  I see it and feel it as I walk through the garden.  But there’s little joy and no renewal with AD.  Instead, there’s loneliness and sadness.

Lorita

Morning,

 There's loneliness while your loved one is still with you because of the lack of communication even though they're with you and there's loneliness after they're gone.  Really don't know which is worse. But, for me, I didn't feel so much loneliness when Charles was here - he was easy to deal with most of the time and happy and easy going most of the time.  He loved to go to town or to a drive-in for a hamburger or ice cream and we were together.  So, for me the loneliness is worse now - it comes and goes.  When I'm out with the cattle I don't feel so lonely - guess it's because I'm with them and we both loved being with them and my mind is on them.  I think I mentioned that last week I lost our beloved Barclee.  He had been with us since 2002 and now he's gone.  In my last post I mentioned losing my sister and cousin in the last few months - also lost my niece ea couple of years ago.  So many losses and loneliness. 

 David, if I'd been asked those questions you mentioned, truthfully, I'd probably be locked up, too.  It does me more good to be outside.  If I stay inside too much, I think too much and that's not good - for any of us - but I know it's impossible to not do it. 

 I hate that you all are feeling lonely - but, we're not alone.  I'm sure most of us feel it sometimes.

  

ElaineD

Dear DWck,

Loneliness and grief are emotions that persist, perhaps forever, at my age (79).   For me they aren't emotions I can 'get through', but rather I try to endure them with some grace and fortitude (these are not my strong points!)  Acceptance is a process over time, not a one-time decision.

Things that have helped me:

1. Therapy.  I have a therapist and talk with him weekly (now via Zoom). He's been my therapist for at least 8 years.  

2. Medication.  I take an antidepressant, which does help.

3. Relaxation and Meditation help me.

4. Exercise is a great stress reliever.  

5. Socialization.  I live in a retirement community and play bridge and Scrabble with others (wearing my mask and sometimes even gloves). 

 I insisted on moving to a retirement community in 2019, so that I would have people around me, and so that I could move about easily to exercise and to community events.  I wear braces and walk with a walker, and had to stop driving in 2016.

6. Helping others is a great way to 'get out of yourself'.  Of course in this time of the pandemic this option isn't available for most people.  And you are already a caretaker, DW.  

I am severely disabled and really can't do much for others, since I need help myself!  As my DH progresses, I won't be able to help him physically at all. Fortunately our community is staffed with professionals, and there are both assisted living and memory care services available when the time comes that my DH needs physical care.  And of course, I will need home healthcare services when my husband can no longer help me!

Grief and loneliness are very painful.  I wish you peace.

Love, Elaine

Marie58

My day also started out well yesterday. Our Church service was great...the message, the music, the people around me. A family even invited me over for Easter dinner, but I already had plans to visit DH during his dinner time. (Our children/grandchildren were out of town so this family knew I was alone. Very sweet of them.)

But halfway through my visit with DH everything hit me. He doesn't know me, doesn't speak, eats finger foods, is incontinent, the list goes on. But I still love him so much and that's why it's so painful. I cried on the way home. I distracted myself with a movie and a bite to eat. When I went to bed I just started sobbing. I feel so lonely and I just want this nightmare to end.

jfkoc

I find that being alone produces lonliness. That is not to say that I do not enjoy some "alone" time but I also need company....the company of other adults.

Taking care of  my husband the last years of his life  pretty much eliminated this kind of company. I did my best to keep in contact with the outside world but the days were long and a lot of the nights even longer.

I think the most helpful thing I did was to keep in contact with friends by phone. I would call and ask them about what they were doing etc. I lived a life outside my home through them and God bless...they were willing to share.

The other thing that helped was acceptance of "doing nothing". ....not getting anything done. I grew to realize that the most important thing was to be with my husband emotionally.  

When my husband died the loneliness changed into grief and now some 5 years later I still miss what we had. I climb into bed and almost every night am consciously  aware that there is only one person in the bed and that makes me sad but all in all I do not feel alone....I just miss him like crazy. 

Each of us has to find our way through the days and nights. Each of us has to figure out what we need and to find a way to fulfill that need. No right or wrong...just survive the best we can.

Last thought....I could not have made it without the help of everyone here!

Ricki07

Just wanted to say how thankful I am for this group, where I  know I'm not alone with my feelings.

I cry everyday; yet, I should be thankful for 50 good years.  I'm lonely and need to force myself to do things. I don't sleep. I often think that I should have had more patience and been kinder with DH when he began sun downing. He's now in a NH, as he became combative...a total change from my easy going, sweet husband.

Being 78, I don't have many friends left.  I try to be cheerful when I'm around others... that takes effort.

Like David, I have a physical on Wed. and I dread being  asked about my mental health.  

Just venting....I'm feeling extra sorry for myself today.

Lorita...I'm so sorry for your loss.  I loved my dogs more  than I like most humans.

Hugs,

Ricki

 

Donr

God bless Crushed and JFKOC and others going through the same feeling alone. 

Don

M1

Amen, I never thought that a virtual group could be such a lifeline but this one is for me, it's only grown in importance through this terrible pandemic year. It's helped keep me sane. So have the animals. Lorita, I'm sorry about Barclee too. I'm glad you have the calves! I have a big sweet white Pyrenees mix named Riley who gets me out of bed in the morning. Courage to all of us.

Mint

Yes courage to all of us.