I am defeated

BarbaraG

I feel like a terrible daughter in law.  I removed my blind alzheimer's 78 year old mother in law from a covid infested facility in January where she was being nelgected.  I've been living in an apartment with her for 83 days and I'm ready to give up.  I admit defeat. I tried. I failed. I cannot be a 24/7 caregiver to a blind alzheimer's person. She's declined a lot in the past year and basically needs a bed to sleep and a chair to sit and someone to feed her and put drink to her mouth and let her go to heaven. She is like a 2 yr old in a 78 hr old body.  She has no quality of life. Now I have no quality of life. I am sleep deprived, nutritious food deprived, pinched nerve in my neck has returned so pain radiating down my shoulder and numb fingers. Panic/anxiety attacks and bursting out bawling at random times is my norm. Why can't we all die with dignity and why does it have to be so expensive for them to go into a facility?  It will cost more to hire 24/7 caregivers to come into the apartment than to go to a facility and even that is too expensive. Alzheimer's SUCKS!

 Barbara

harshedbuzz

Barbara-

Taking your dear MIL out of a bad facility probably saved her life, but it doesn't sound as though it is sustainable long term. 

In your shoes, I would be looking for a better placement. It might take some digging, but they do exist. Your local Blind/Low Vision advocacy group may know of facilities geared to those who are blind  or general SNFs that are well regarded by their clients.

HB

dayn2nite2

Had you asked prior to doing this I'm sure the majority of us would have advised not to do this.  

Since this is your MIL, is your husband (or ex, not sure if you are still married) still living and if so, what does he want to do?  The decision is really his unless your MIL or he turned her care legally over to you.

If he is no longer living, does she have other children who can make decisions for her if you are not legally in charge?

VKB

Barbara, gentle thoughts and hugs.  I felt what you were sharing.  Yes, it is the pits!  Whatever you decide, I know you will remain your MIL's advocate.  You Rock!  Ronnie

Quilting brings calm

I remember when you decided to do this.  I know your husband eventually agreed.  I remember that you were first in a hotel and that your MIL was moaning all day.  I think you have to accept that she’s far enough along in the process that it will take a staff to care for her.  Many of the long term care  places have been able to fully vaccinate residents and staff, so I don’t think Covid is a factor anymore.   I hope you find a suitable place soon.

abc123

Dear Barbara, I totally understand how you are feeling. I admire you because you fought the hard fight. There is NO shame in getting worn out by this awful disease. Dying with dignity is not an option with dementia. Every time I look at my Mother I want to cry and scream. I try to stay positive and gentle with her but it’s so hard lately. I think she is progressing and she is just downright disgusting. I hope you can make other arrangements soon that are better for you and her. You did something good for someone you love! You did something that most of us would have NEVER done. You will be in my heart and in my prayers.

Cynbar

Barbara, I also remember when you were struggling with the decision to take her out of that facility. There is no shame in realizing that care of a difficult dementia patient is too much for any one person 24/7. You will always have the peace of knowing you tried. Now the best gift for her is to find a good facility that will allow you to visit and monitor her care. Good luck.

madrone

Are you kidding, you deserve a medal, look at you, you took her out of a dangerous situation and tried the best you could to help. Can she afford where she was living? You can't go on like this forever or from the sounds of it for long. Is there a county office you can call, like APS and see if they have a list of places you can call? You are not a terrible daughter in law.

What I worry about is how will you move her to another place, what if they are all full. You will be possibly in a situation of ... her going to the ER and you having to say your home isn't safe... then they would place her. So if you don't find a place, why are you taking this all on by yourself?

You must be worn to a frazzle.

Norma W

Caregiver Fatigue is all too real.

DH and I are caring for his parent, the three of us live together.  I'm doing most of the cleaning, laundry and helping with her toileting as well as holding down my fulltime job, DH is our chef.  He retired early from his job to be the fulltime caregiver. Thankfully my job is very understanding and lets me work from home a lot, one of the rare benefits of COVID I guess.  DH and I are able to work out our schedule so we do get some time away from the house to exercise, sadly not together but the break is nice and so needed!

His sibling lives out of state so we have no family help for any breaks together at all.  We've been doing this for about 14 months now and are exhausted.  We started bringing in nursing/companion help twice a week for a few hours just for a night out, but that's an out of pocket expense at $22/hour (four hour minimum).

I read about respite care on here somewhere and looked into it.  Maybe you could look into that and see if your MIL qualifies.  It's an out of pocket expense too but may be worth it for a break every now and then.  I think it's a Medicaid thing and navigating that may be quite complicated.

Good luck, we're all here for you.