Husband very agitated,critical,and makes false accusations

Carolynb771

I am looking for suggestions on how to deal with this. My husband has become very agitated. He becomes irate when driving or going to the store and many times even watching TV. He also is very critical of me. He used to be very supportive and kind and encouraging. Now he is critical and accuses me of doing things like eating his food and taking his things   The other day he saidI was very hard to live with and he told someone that I was his problem

So how do I not take this personally, how do I interact with him so I don’t make it worse and is there anything I can do to prevent it

Thanks for your help  

Crushed

I see this is your first post. Welcome to our warm and caring group, all of whom have "been there and done that" 

This is an unpredictable brain disease that slowly destroys the brain and personality and memory and finally the life of the sufferer.  Ths trick is to save the caretaker from destruction by the same disease. 

You must accept that it is not your loved one talking to you .

 Think of it as an alien creature that has taken over their body

Your husband may break through at times.  first for longer times and then shorter and shorter until he is gone forever and leaves a shell behind.  I have been on this road 11 years and watched may wonderful brilliant kind and loving wife become such a shell. 

You can make yourself crazy thinking it is your husband speaking , I assure you it is an alien being.

My wife's alien was gentle and fearful. which makes it easier in some ways, but it was just as alien.  I had her at home until the psychosis and wandering made it impossible. She was losing all touch with reality and within 6 months it was all gone.  That was  almost 3 years ago. 

I hope all your legal and financial plans are in order.   If not that is your most important priority.   This disease destroys people's lives and finances.  Fill in your profile so we can help. Your age and state of residence are most critical

Ernie123

I would suggest you have an assessment done by a geriatric psychiatrist if you can. As the disease progresses a geriatric specialist will have good advice and perhaps medications that will provide relief for your DH and you. It is terribly difficult to experience the changes that occur, especially anger and aggression directed at you. As Crushed wisely pointed out, you must learn to recognize it is the disease acting, not your husband. In my case when my DW became very agitated and angry her assessment by a geriatric psychiatrist led to a prescription that helped immensely. She became  calm and content with no adverse side effects. Over the following years her meds have been adjusted to calm not just her agitation but also paranoia, which is also common. Beginning that professional relationship early on allows the doctor to come to know your DH and respond to his individual needs. Ounce of prevention  as I see it.

ElaineD

Dear Carolyn,

You didn't mention the diagnosis and stage of your husband's dementia, so my experience may not match yours.

My husband had never been kind and supportive, and when he became much much more critical and short tempered, and abusive, I didn't know that this was part of a pattern of personality changes that can accompany dementia. 

My sons had been telling me that 'Dad is losing it' for a couple of years, but I didn't see it.  He had always been forgetful (typical absent minded professor) and I thought they were talking about that.

It wasn't until AFTER he suddenly changed, and became much less angry and critical, that I realized what had happened to him.

The behaviors that often are part of the disease include:

1. apathy

2. lack of empathy

3. loss of social filter (inappropriate 'sharing' in conversation with others)

4. loss of executive function (difficultly planning and carrying out complex tasks)

5. personality change  This was what happened to my DH, during the period from 2016-2019, and perhaps even earlier.

When he stopped being so angry even both of our sons noticed the change.

"Dad has always been so angry, but now he's not."  This is how one son expressed it during a long vacation we all spent together in 2019.  Both sons were working on a building project with my DH, which definitely would have brought out his anger in the past.

I can deal with my DH's memory problems (so far) and the improvement in his personality makes it all so much easier.

I think accusations, anger and contempt from our LO makes everything so much harder.  I was surprised and delighted when he changed, rather suddenly.  He's much 'nicer' that he's ever been in our almost 59 years of marriage.

My DH doesn't have an official diagnosis.  VD runs in his family, and I think he is in the mid-early stages of the dementia that has plagued his family.

My DH says that his memory problems are typical for his age (81) but they aren't.   He often cannot remember something we discussed an hour ago. And major trips to Ireland, Germany and Italy taken in the past 4-5 years are just gone from his memory.

But he's fairly calm, helpful (I'm disabled and he's MY caretaker), and he's much easier to live with.  Who knows what's next.

Elaine

Ed1937

Carolyn, welcome to the forum. We have a lot of good people here, wiling to share what they can. Sorry you have a reason to be here.

As already said, you have to come to acceptance that it is the disease talking. This is not your husband. Once you can get that firmly in your head, it should be a little easier for you. No doubt there will be many instances when it will be very hard, but you will get through it just like the rest of us. And as said, there are medications that can help. Best of luck to you, and keep posting on the forum. It will pay big dividends.

Battlebuddy

   My husband was always a sweetie pie. Never angry, critical and unkind. We almost made it 5 years without that change. 

    But now he is often mad at me. I am the bad guy because I won’t let him step on glass in his bare feet, wear two glasses at once, pour coke over all his food etc. He pulled my son to the side, and confided to him” there is something wrong with your mom, She’s not right in the head”

    It is the disease but I also think it can be , sun downing, dehydration, fatigue, and low blood sugar contributing.  So I’m working on keeping a symptom journal to see the pattern. 

  I’m also working on not letting it bother me. But it does. I have some issues with men being aggressive. I miss my sweetie pie too. 

HSW

Hi, sorry you are going thru this. Medication will help. 

Grocery shopping is likely difficult because he doesn't remember the list in his pocket, where the product is, the pin number for the bank card, someone looked at him, someone was in the same isle, where is the car, what does the car look like etc. Don't expect to him to be able to complete this task on his own and with you there it would be less of a scavenger hunt.

Food he likely thought he bought

TV could be not knowing  the remote is, confusion on how to use it or a program that just hypes him up.

AzCrazy Diamond

I was coincidentally going to ask this exact same Q when I logged on. The behaviours described here, accusations, denial, forgetting, blaming; they are toxic. DW was never really supportive, but is now abusive. The mindset, thought pattern, and illogic of always blaming me (or others) and her sliding into a fictional world with a fictional husband is exacerbated by watching cable political talk shows all day. A constant stream of toxicity wherein no one takes responsibility and everything is always someone else's fault. She can always be right and not have to deal with painful reality in her toxic safe space.

The toxicity is becoming so pervasive and systemic I am seeing little left of whatever sensibility and rationality she ever had (which was not a lot). She has learned that I will not tolerate her tsunami of abuse (which of course is somehow my fault), so she reluctantly and resentfully keeps most of it to herself. Even what little leaks out is getting worse.

It has gotten to the point where we spend little time together. Sometimes we watch TV together in the evening, but usually lately she just continues to absorb toxic nonsense from waking to sleeping. I watch shows that I enjoy. The  only sensible interaction is pedestrian matters - home maintenance, family news, simple stuff that (hopefully) won't uncork the bottle of toxicity.

I am only able to handle the gaslighting by reminding myself of the undeniable reality that I have a psychologist and family members who have confirmed my relative stability, and that I am doing everything I have been taught and told to do to be mentally healthy, while she is doing everything we've been told not to do, and exhibits clearly unhealthy behaviour. 

I am not sure how to deal with, or what to feel about, spending so little quality time with her. We're becoming roommates with a license, leading separate lives. How do y'all handle this? Getting a Dx or Rx is out of the question. It would mean taking responsibility for her condition (which in her brain is actually my condition and my fault). Is this the rest of my life? I'm <60, so that's not a pleasing prospect. What happens when all reason and rationality disappears, she is completely immersed in a fictional world, and all that remains is toxicity that I cannot be around?

Dutiful One

Carolynb771 wrote:

I am looking for suggestions on how to deal with this. My husband has become very agitated. He becomes irate when driving or going to the store and many times even watching TV. He also is very critical of me. He used to be very supportive and kind and encouraging. Now he is critical and accuses me of doing things like eating his food and taking his things   The other day he saidI was very hard to live with and he told someone that I was his problem

So how do I not take this personally, how do I interact with him so I don’t make it worse and is there anything I can do to prevent it

Thanks for your help  

This is a difficult situation.  I went through this with my mother in the early stages of her disease. I am now back in the same boat with my husband.  As with my mom, I first contacted his doctors to consult with them about what to do, and sought guidance from the social worker at our healthcare clinic.  I also saw my own doctor and reached out for psychiatric help for myself.     

  There are several things I have done to prepare for the future and to make life easier in the present:  I began offering to drive when we went someplace. Now I do most of our driving.   I initiated the conversation about having our wills, POA's, and other legal documents done. This took a while, but we did have everything drawn up.  I completed additional schooling in my field  in preparation for needing to change or alter my job situation; I have spoken with close friends and family members (some of them approached me with their concerns and observations). Home projects are no longer being put off, but are done as resources allow.  I even have a plan in place if my husband becomes suddenly violent and I need to leave or have him removed. This has not happened, but it's important to be aware that it can.  

In my experience, some behaviors are brought by illnesses. There can be other triggers, too; my mother's behaviors would spiral downward with lot of lashing out after a conversation with my brother, who continually brought up finances, death of family members, etc. These visits prompted even more accusations from her that I was stealing her money, lying to her, forcing her to live in a "home", and so on).  My husband is more confused and agitated when he isn't feeling well. I even noticed that after having his first Covid vaccine over the weekend, he was more confused and irritable for a few days. 

 Keep seeking help, even if you just come here to read for advice and comfort, for now.   This is just coming from my own experience. I don't weigh in here often, but I do gain a lot of encouragement from reading.  

Note: I edited my post for content. I hope you are helped by all the supportive comments made here by others. 

banpaeng

Most likely will get beat up for this but will put it out there.  As long as he is not alone, get your kids to get him some weed.  Might work, might not.  Week makes most folks mellow.

Just make sure your are controlling how much and when he gets it.  Don't worry about all the addicted weed stories.  At this stage in life, it don't matter.

jfkoc

I, for one, am not going to beat you up. I think that if it is time to look for some help from drugs then marijuana needs to be considered. I know I looked into them for my husband but that was years ago and  illegal. Still had I found a source and instructions on how to use I would have jumped on it.

You did not mention that your husband had been diagnosed. If so was it by a neurologist who specializes in dementia?

Deb needs answers

Your story is my story to a tee... with one exception... my SO, not my husband, is the person with dementia.  I, too, deal with the agitation (worse by 5pm and on).  He calls me a liar and other horrible names.  His children live 9-10 hours away and are thankful I am here with him.  They gave not seen him for 2 years.  

I know I have to move out.  I cannot take this much longer.  SO is in total denial and will not do anything that the doc suggests.  If I was to guess, I believe he is in stage 4 and is getting worse. I know this disease is like an alien has taken over his body but I have no support.  His son has POA as I did not want this responsibility.  

I really have no advise... but I can sympathize.  I hate it!

JoanE

Thank you for your post. My husband has always had some temper but has almost gotten unbearable. After his brothers recent diagnosis, I'm happy DH agreed to a conversation with his doctor. Unfortunate for us, his primary had retired and we had to start over with a new doc. I was able to have a conversation with him alone before his appt. Then at the appt, I brought it up. I thought my DH was going to kill me. This doc, clearly clueless, advised us to seek counseling. (Something my husband would never do)  I was determined and brought it up three more times and thought my husband would leave hut he didn't. He blames me for always starting the arguments so he had to finish them. Finally this doc got up from his chair to grab a sheet of paper. There were 2 brief tests. The clock and the three word test. He failed parts of both so finally he agreed he should see a neurologist for further testing. In the meantime this site is providing me with information and I thank you all.

Emberaire2

My husband  has not been medically diagnosed but I can see what is happening. Everyone mentions medications that could help with the aggressiveness but he refuses to go to the doctor because he says there is nothing wrong with him. How do you handle this?

Pattylatty

My husband has been told by his Psychiatrist and his neuropsychologist that weed is recommended for people with Alzheimer’s.  I was happy to hear this because it helps keep down his anxiety.  He’s in the process of transitioning to edibles. Whatever helps.

CStrope

I spent over 2 years giving in to my DH's insistence that there was nothing wrong and he was not going to have tests done that his doctor was suggesting.  After  dealing with his memory issues, and defensive, accusatory, and mean attitude, I finally made the call to the doctor myself and convinced DH he had to go.  I told him that if there was nothing wrong with him, then the MRI and other tests would show that and he could prove he was right.

The tests showed severe atrophy of the left side of the brain.  Official diagnosis was Alzheimer's, of the Logopenic variant.  Even now, he'll say he's not that bad, he's doing great, I'm the problem.  He is taking Memantine, and Aricept.  Both have been helping the attitude.  I set up his pills for him and tell him that they help him so that he doesn't start having any more issues with his memory.  It works.....he takes them, and it somehow makes him feel like he's right, and it all helps to make him feel better.

Wish there was an easy way to make me feel better!