New to this. Family member needs help but doesn’t want it

Hcr2021

My dad has been in the hospital for a month. The drs say he needs guardianship. Somehow he got wind of this. He told me if I did that he would never speak to me again. I’m his only child and my brother died 7 years ago. I am very hurt. I don’t know the right thing to do. I never thought my dad would turn on me like this.

zauberflote

Hcr, that is tough on a child, to hear that from a parent. You are not the first, though. He has not necessarily "turned on you", hard though that is to wrap our minds around. Think of him as reacting the same way you would if some (hypothetical?) child of yours said they were going to take over all your affairs because you can't do it by yourself. You'd think they were crazy! If dad has dementia, he may well also have what's called anosognosia, which is the inability to recognize that there is something wrong with yourself. 

Does your dad have a specific diagnosis that causes the drs to say he needs a guardianship? What has he been in the hospital for, and when will he be leaving? It sounds like rehab would be his next place to stay. Do you know what the state of dad's legal work might be? Is there a named POA, for example? 

Others will come along to talk more, but meanwhile have a read around this caregiver forum and the spouse/partner one. There are many supportive people here, many of whom have been there/done that, others who are just at the beginning as you are. There is a wealth of knowledge and personal experience, compassion and support, here on these boards.

M1

Hi hcr, so sorry you're facing this, but you cannot take this any more personally than you would from a toddler throwing a public tantrum. If the doctors are saying he's incompetent they are likely correct. There may be a social worker at the hospital who can help you, and or an elder care attorney will be familiar with the steps to proceed. Good luck. It's so much harder when they're regressing rather than growing out of it.

madrone

I am sure he will talk to you if you do this, he may be angry but, what can you do? If you don't do this, it will be a state agency making the decisions. You are lucky the doctor told you this. Only, I have no idea how you would go about it. Maybe the doctor that mentioned it will know how to process this or write a letter for you. From what I heard if legal paperwork is not done, then some entity besides family will make decisions and there won't be anything you can do. This will be protecting your dad, he must feel he won't be in control. You can talk to him about what his wishes are.

Do you know if your dad ever did a power of attorney for you? Maybe there is one already done.

harshedbuzz

Hcr2021 wrote:

Hi and welcome to the best clubhouse you never wanted to join. 

My dad has been in the hospital for a month.

Does dad have a dementia diagnosis after a complete evaluation? Why's dad in the hospital and for an entire month? Is this injury, COVID, stroke, psychiatric issues?  

The drs say he needs guardianship.

Based on? It's possible he presented to the hospital in a state where it was clear that he needed someone to act on his behalf? Or did he develop hospital psychosis over the month he was there? The latter is fairly common in the elderly, especially if they've spent time in an ICU. Once discharged, some people who have had issues improve greatly. 

Somehow he got wind of this.

And still remembers? That can happen sometimes with emotionally charged information. Dad recalled being told he could drive well into his disease progression. What he had for lunch or my husband of 35 years? Not so much.

He told me if I did that he would never speak to me again. I’m his only child and my brother died 7 years ago. I am very hurt. I don’t know the right thing to do. I never thought my dad would turn on me like this.

Assuming dementia or an altered emotional state, this isn't your dad talking. At best, this is your dad with a damaged brain talking. It's possible he has anosognosia and can not appreciate that he no longer has the IADL skills needed to function as an independent adult. 

I doubt your father will never speak to you ever again. But even if that were the price you had to pay to keep him safe, cared for and protected from those who would take advantage of him it would still be a deal I could live with. And I did for a time. 

My dad was very angry with me when I assumed any kind of decision making on his behalf. I, too, am an only surviving child and in his words "the wrong one died". Gotta love that lack of filter. He threatened me, insulted me and was generally unpleasant in the middle stages of the disease, but by the later stages reverted back to the sweet natured child his elderly aunts always described.

I have a dear friend whose dad also threatened to disown him after he and his sister assumed joint guardianship. Dad even when so far as to obtain a lawyer to fight them. And lost. And continued to live in a cottage on her property where he had dinner nightly with the family. This might not go as badly as you expect. 






12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

What Is Anosognosia and What Causes It? | Elmcroft